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Weak Jokes

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak

hope you find it funny!

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

The Flesh is Weak

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rab...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

Job Interviewer~ What would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me\~ I am too honest.

Job Interviewer\~ I don't think of that as a weakness at all.

Me\~ Well, I don't really give a sh\*t what you think.

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

why are my plans so weak?

because they never work out

The job interviewer asked me, what my weakness is.

So I told him that I am brutally honest.

He acted surprised and said he sees this as a strenght, not as a weakness.

But after that I was thrown out of the building only because I replied that I am not interested in the opinion of an incapable fat bald man.

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

What is Superman new weakness in 2020

Kryptokurrency

I heard about the gangster with a weak stomach

He was throwing up gang signs

How weak is the world's weakest conputer?

Just a bit

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

An interviewer asks an applicant for his greatest weakness and the applicant replied,

"I have an awkward sense of humor which causes me to laugh out of nowhere sometimes and some people take it to mean that I'm laughing at them or thinking something terrible"

The interviewer asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," the applicant laughed as he said, "I've played this conversat...

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Sleep is for the weak

So I'm going to bed, goodnight

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

Am i strong or weak

If I slapped my cheek and felt pain, does it mean that I am strong or weak?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three life stages of sex

Age 18-35: Tri-Weekly

Age 35-60: Try Weekly

Age 60-90: Try Weakly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

A man walks into a bar with his weak suit on...

The bartender says: "Odd choice on the outfit!"

The man replies: "Yeah, it's not my strong suit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is calling someone a pussy a really stupid way of calling someone weak?

Because pussies can take a hell of a pounding

Time of weakness

Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Robert had also bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

I went for a job interview and the asked me to state my biggest weakness in three words

'Not very good at maths' I replied

What do u call a Mongolian with a weak mindset?

Ghengis Khan't

Why was Anakin's master weak?

He was Only One Kenobi.

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

Why is Uber so weak?

Because they don't even Lyft.

What is a vampire's weakness?

Hepatitis B

What is an amputee kickboxer's greatest weakness

His inability to walk away from a fight

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

I have a weakness for casual fast food....

That's why I keep a condiment in my wallet.

If I went on countdown, I'd only have 3 weaknesses

A. The numbers
C. The letters

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

What did the weak dinosaur say to the other buff dinosaur?

I don't like a-steroids.

What’s a male musician’s biggest weakness?

D and Bs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job interview - "What is your biggest weakness?"

Them: What is your biggest weakness?

Me: I'm vague

Them: Can you elaborate?

Me: Yeah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

There was a giant who was weak

His friends told him to hit the gym...

a lot of people died that day

What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went a...

I make weak food puns

They're never stroganoff.

What Are My Weaknesses? To be honest...

I'm a massive Liar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

Interviewer: Do you have any weaknesses?

Me: yea, I like to point out other people’s mistakes. By the way, that’s a stupid interview question.

My father had a weak heart and terrible claustrophobia.

He died at home, surrounded by his family.

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

Why did the pothead have weak knees and elbows?

He didnt have any joints.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember the days when I had really weak ejaculations

I've come so far since then

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Interviewer: What would u say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I get weirdly confrontational when people ask me follow-up questions

Interviewer: How so?

Me: \[ripping my shirt off\] do u wanna take this outside?!!!

A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed. He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.

She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.

The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything t...

My brother said his pasta tasted weak and brittle.

It seems to have a bad case of sauceteoporosis.

Why is gravity so weak?

Because it doesn't lift

Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do guys get after five days masturbating?

A weak end.

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

What is Fortunato's one weakness?

Cryptonight.

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