UPJOKE
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In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

I went for a job interview and the asked me to state my biggest weakness in three words

'Not very good at maths' I replied

The Flesh is Weak

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rab...

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Why old men don’t get hired…

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right and there…

I had roofied the wrong glass.

How weak is the world's weakest conputer?

Just a bit

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

why are my plans so weak?

because they never work out

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Why is calling someone a pussy a really stupid way of calling someone weak?

Because pussies can take a hell of a pounding

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

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A man walks into a job interview...

...and sits down with the interviewer and is asked "What is your biggest weakness?" The man pauses for a second, and then responds with "Honesty" The interviewer, perplexed, says "I'm not sure honesty counts as a weakness" To which the man replies "Well I'm not sure I really give a fuck what you thi...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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The three life stages of sex

Age 18-35: Tri-Weekly

Age 35-60: Try Weekly

Age 60-90: Try Weakly

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

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A blowjob will make your day.

But anal will make your hole weak.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

what do you call a Keanu reeves who doesn't eat vegetables

A John Weak.

What is Superman new weakness in 2020

Kryptokurrency

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

I can't stand newborns

I guess it cause their legs are too weak.

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If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak?

Either way, he'd be pissed

Nun & Priest

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The p...

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

Is this Punny to you ??

So once Superman gets invited to a themed party over the weekend....
So Superman enters this party place and starts feeling damn weak and uneasy...
Someone is dressed as Bitcoin
Someone is dressed as Ethereum
Someone is dressed as DogeCoin
Someone is dressed as Ripple...
.
.
...

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades?

He’s a lot like Achilles, but instead his weak point was his groin. You’ve heard of Achilles Heel but did you know about Bophades’ nuts?

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

Gilbert Gottfried may have joked about tragedies right after they happened, but he still had a big heart.

Weak, but big.




P.S. RIP Gilbert

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

I heard about the gangster with a weak stomach

He was throwing up gang signs

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

Sleep is for the weak

So I'm going to bed, goodnight

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak

hope you find it funny!

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

In a parallel Universe

Hey Will your slap is so weak you should let your wife's other husbands do it

Three men die and go to heaven…

St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”

St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.

St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

2...

Every dog has its day….

….but only a dog with a broken tail has a weak end.

What do u call a Mongolian with a weak mindset?

Ghengis Khan't

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart...

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"


"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.


"John," she said, (firm loose b...

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

My wife decided to try something kinky for my birthday. She thought pegging would just my day special she was wrong.

It made my hole weak.

I just don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about Eminem kneeling at the Super Bowl…

He literally said his knees were weak like 2 minutes earlier…

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Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

What did the weak dinosaur say to the other buff dinosaur?

I don't like a-steroids.

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Me: "I never know when to quit"

Interviewer: "That's ok, you're hired"

Me: "I quit"

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

If I went on countdown, I'd only have 3 weaknesses

A. The numbers
C. The letters

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

My brother is in the hospital guys, doctors aren't giving much hope.

Doctors say that he's incapable to stand for the next 8 months, he's extremely weak now. I can barely bear the noises, he's crying so much I feel very bad for him going through this. Anyway, on a positive note, I'm a big brother now!

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.










Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

**Me:** I use bad words

**Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

**Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear

My dad asked me why my math scores were weak. I told him that I found myself caught in a love triangle.

He looked concerned, sat down with me and said, "You know you can tell me anything right? What's really going on?"

I replied "I don't know how to explain this to you but the four of us are in love... "

A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.

Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who?

Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?

Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?

Neither, you're an idiot.

7 day without beef ...

... makes one weak.

What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

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Being Kind Is A Weakness!

I have a very good friend. We've been friends for a long long time. His name is Bill.

So, Bill had insomnia. He hasn't slept for days. He asked me to buy some sleeping pills for him and bring them to his house. Upon reaching his house, I saw him sleeping on his bed.

So, I woke him up ...

A man walks into an interview

Interviewer: what are your strengths?

Man: I fall in love easily

Interviewer: okay… what are your weaknesses?

Man: That beautiful blue of your eyes

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

I have a weakness for casual fast food....

That's why I keep a condiment in my wallet.

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

A biologist, a chemist, and a mathematician are looking at a glass of water, half filled.

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

Why was Anakin's master weak?

He was Only One Kenobi.

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

This takes place in a society where everybody is born really weak.

The more wealth you have, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum Power Percentage or for short, PP. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but...

A woman in her 90s told another "My joints are weak".

The later replied "That's because you are not rolling them tight enough honey".

A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed. He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.

She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.

The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything t...

Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

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What I learned from reddit so far is that one half of them are horny, another half of them are depressed

And the third half of them are really weak in maths.

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An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

What is an amputee kickboxer's greatest weakness

His inability to walk away from a fight

A man is on his deathbed

He has 4 sons, the first 3 are strong and like him but the last one is weak and different from him.




He asks his wife "is our last son my son?", she replies "yes".




When the man has died his wife quietly whispers to herself "thank god he didn't ask about the oth...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

What’s a male musician’s biggest weakness?

D and Bs

Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

Another joke I heard in China

The function of the United Nations:

If there's a conflict between a small (weak) nation and a small (weak) nation, there is peace.

If there's a conflict between a large (powerful) nation and a small (weak) nation, the small (weak) nation is gone.

If there's a conflict between a ...

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What is a vampire's weakness?

Hepatitis B

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

A man is asked where he sees himself in 5 years while at a job interview

He replies his greatest weaknesses is listening

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