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Carolina Jokes

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so ...

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

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Clem was small game hunting in the woods right around the border area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

He had just shot a possum and was putting it in his game bag when the game warden approached. The game warden says, "Whatcha got there son?"

Clem says, "Just doin' a little hunting. I got me a couple squirrels, a rabbit and this here possum." The game warden grabs the possum, sticks his finge...

Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?

Because he's alive.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?

Shoots him 8 times in the black.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

How come north Carolina is the bluest state?

Raleigh scattering

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If South Carolina is the Game Cocks

Their offensive line would be the cock blockers

Hey North Carolina, watcha doin' this weekend?

Nothing

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o...

What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly?

Because women don’t like premature evacuations

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Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Mario...

I’m moving to North Carolina and I think I’m going to buy a house instead of renting

I hear the market is flooded right now

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

There once was a lady from China..

Who got diagnosed with angina.
She went to her Gyno

who said "what do I know"?
My degree is from North Carolina.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in South Carolina?

Cause if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.

I just read some great political news today!...

...Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina have all projected that they will probably have the 2020 ballots counted in time for the 2024 presidential election.

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

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There once was a woman from Dallas

Who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

House Arrest

There's a convenience store in North Carolina that's right on the beach. It's on stilts so it doesn't get swept away. But the stilts got arrested for holding up a convenience store!!!

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Pool Party

A rich North Carolina man had a party and invited all his neighbors, including Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating and flirting with all the women. The host said, "I have...

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A Penis Study(borderline NSFW)

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the Un...

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Limerick

There was this baker from South Carolina

Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina

The cakes she would glaze

In an orgasmic haze

And her screams they would rattle the china

A Small Collection of US State Jokes

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...

Trump rally...

Tomorrow at 8 am on the beach at Wilmington North Carolina. Spread the word!

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A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

Donald Trump's Joke

Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! USA! USA!"

What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem.

What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem.

What do you ...

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. ...

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A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

Vacation

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida ...

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The ...

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An elderly woman was driving her husband in the country when she was pulled over by highway patrol.

The officer stepped out of his car and quizzed the old woman.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
"What did he say?" said the woman to her husband.
The husband shouted "He says you were speeding."
The officer then asked "May I see your license?"
"What did he say?" said the old wo...

Pig with a wooden leg...

Little Johnny lived in DC when he was young, and his dad used to take him on weekend trips south into the Carolinas, so that he could see what ``real life'' was like. He'd just drive along the road for a while, then pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.

His dad was cha...

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

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