UPJOKE
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Three women are on death-row in Utah and are about to be executed.

One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward and the executioner asks whether she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts "Ready, aim" and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!". Everyone is startled and looks around and sh...

I want to go to Utah so I can do acid with Mormons in a best buy looking for graphics cards

I'll call it my LSDLDSDLSS adventure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

What's the difference between Utah and Alabama?

The meaning of sister-wife.

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah.

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah, one from each state. In the trail ahead they see a shining object so the cowboy from Utah jumps off his horse excitedly and picks it up. He has found a genie's lamp so he gives it a rub and the genie pops out. The genie says, "Since th...

If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called?

Floridians

Did you know you can borrow cheese from the bank in Utah?

Yeah, it's called a Provo-loan

Be Careful Doing Drugs in Utah

I recently moved to Utah from San Francisco, and wasn't paying attention once when I wanted to party. I got my LSD mixed up with LDS, and instead of taking a Trip, I ended up on a 2 year mission to Fiji.

Now that the US Supreme Court has crippled the EPA's ability to fight climate change, I'm going to buy myself some beachfront property ...

... in Utah.

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter

Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

What did the greedy Jamaican from Utah say?

More, mon.

What do you call a light hearted romance movie staring a Senator from Utah?

A Romcomney

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

I used to work for a traveling carnival.

My buddy got me the job as he was part of the show. He had spent years training bees to land in his hand without them stinging him. It was quite a feat. He even grew so attached the he named his most recent bee "Uty" as we were traveling through Utah at the time.

One day, I hear my buddy shou...

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COWBOY'S TOMB STONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, coo...

Fishing in Utah

A Catholic in Utah once told me, "If you ever go fishing with a Mormon, make sure you bring two."

"Why's that?" I asked.

"If you just bring one he will drink all your beer."

What's the Penalty for Bigamy in Utah?

Two mothers-in-law.

One day in the Vatican...

One day in the Vatican, the Pope summoned his entire staff for a major announcement. When they were all seated, he looked up solemnly from his desk and told them he had good news and bad news.

“We're ready for some good news,” they said.

“I’ve just received a telegram documenting a mir...

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

It’s a common misconception that the Utah Jazz got their name from starting in New Orleans...

When in actuality, they go their name because Brigham young and Joseph Smith met in the high school jazz band.

There's that man in Utah that makes cheese all by himself.

They call him the Provo Lone guy.

In honor of the BYU/Utah game tomorrow

Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene?

Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virign.

Posted a BYU/Utah joke yesterday. Here's another

Did you hear about University of Utah's honor code?

Yes, your honor. No, your honor. Thank you, your honor.

Sister wife

Sister wife means something totally different in Alabama than it does in Utah

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock.... who’s there?

Me: Roger Davidson, residing at 3547 Creebridge crescent in Provo, Utah, phone number (656) 264-7685, SSN 62783755

Them: Roger Davidson, residing at 3547 Creebridge crescent in Provo, Utah, phone number (656) 264-7685, SSN 62783755, who?

Me: you’re fucking kidding me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.

They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.

One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.

The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.

And the rain ke...

A bishop walks into the Pope's chamber...

As the Pope turns to him, the bishop says, "Sir, I have received both good and bad news, if you care to hear."

The Pope says, "Of course. Let's hear the good news first."

"Well, it seems that Jesus has come again."

The Pope's face lit up as he said, "That's wonderful! Simply mag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player?

Utah

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...

Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:"Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

A young man buys a silver mine...

A young man heads out to Utah looking for adventure, and he finds a sign in town advertising an abandoned silver mine out in the desert. Intrigued he decides to go check out the mine, and finds the walls absolutely glittering with silver. He rushes back to town and buys the mine, and then goes to th...

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