Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

Why did the maiden marry the Fletcher?

He made her quiver.

My wife's maiden name was "Hyperbole."

She says it came from her great, great, great, great, great-grandfather.

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Thor visits a Quaint little village disguised as a traveler.

In the village he meets a young maiden and they spend the night together.

The next morning, he's standing by the window when the maiden hobbles over.

He decides to come clean, so he turns to her and says "I'm Thor".

"You think you're thor? I can hardly walk"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

The Titanic II is set to make its maiden voyage in 2022

At least they won't have to worry about icebergs, due to global warming.

Said the man to the maiden...

Said the man to the maiden as they lay there by the sea, "Shh, someone's coming!" Said the maiden, "Hush! It's me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has 18 beautiful daughters

One day three brothers were traveling when they stopped at this farmer's farmstead to rest. The farmer let them in and gave them food and drink.

Upon seeing the many beautiful maidens, the eldest brother approached the farmer, and asked, "Farmer, can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

Th...

Why did the fair maiden enjoy the award?

Because it was a Sir Prize.

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven.

After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous oce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cake day joke: toughest cowboys

First cowboy says, "I'm the toughest sumbitch in these here parts. Yesterday I grabbed me the meanest bull and threw his ass down, balls and all, with my left hand into this here dirt. Pinned him fer 25 seconds without breaking a sweat."

The second cowboy looks up from the fire. "Impressive, ...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

A group of scientists start a band. What's it called?

Ion Maiden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

Timbuktu

The National poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poe...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dane, a Swede and a Finn...

A Dane, a Swede and a Finn want to find out who is the manliest. They decide to have contest with three stages. First they must drink one liter of vodka. Next they need to kill a bear barehanded. Last, they must prove their manhood and fuck a maiden.

The Dane went first. He drank the vodka, ...

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

A guy walked into a ... No wait, he was already there...

...and he said to the bartender, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you do that too?" And the bartender said, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold...

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

Two poets die at the same time and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says"ah, it's great to see you guys, but we have a small problem... we only have room for one of you." The two poets look at each other not sure what to do, then St. Peter says " I have an idea, since you guys are poets lets have a contest, best poem gets to stay in heaven, the other....

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...

A man, a dog, and a sheep are washed up on an island...

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the bre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

A good way to get to know your date

is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom’s maiden name.

Then login and read all their emails.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely man looked far and wide....

A lonely man looked far and wide for his true love.

He decided to travel the world in search for the fairest maiden in the land.

He went to France, and he found nothing.

He went to America, and he found nothing.

He went to Japan, and alas, he found nothing.

The man...

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?

2. What's your mother's maiden name?

3. What's your social security number?

4. What's your birthday?

There was a Vietnamese family with two daughters of marrying age

Now in these modern times, their parents were open to interracial marriages but wanted their daughters to maintain something of their heritage.

The first daughter meets a Latino Businessman named Jose Juan. She falls madly in love and they announce their engagement

The second daughter ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Machine

The Machine

Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop. Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one w...

Two men arrive at the pearly gates.

One is an Englishman, the other a Philippino. St. Peter informs them that only one will be admitted. St. Peter asks the Englishman what his occupation was in life.

I was a poet, he responds.

Oh very good, we need more poets in heaven.

And you sir, turning to the Philippin...

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone’s crying and wet.

Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman Joke *Long*

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are traveling through the amazon rainforest. Suddenly they are captured by an indigenous tribe and taken to camp. The chief approaches the three and manages to communicate: “ we kill you, eat your flesh, make tools with bones and canoe with skin! First, we grant a...

Two Brothers and a poetry contest

There were two brothers who were always very competitive. One day they were at a fair together. They approached a stage where they were holding a poetry contest. Poetry was neither of the brothers "thing" but when one brother told the other he could win the whole competition, the battle was on.
...

Real Middle-aged Texting.

Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"

Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"

Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."

Woman: "Mine parents shal...

A poet and a Newfie die

They are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says that to get in they must make a poem that says Timbuktu. For the poet this was simple and he said ; I was walking in the desert sand. When I came across a caravan. Camels walking two by two. Destination Timbuktu

For the Newfie thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old dudes are sitting on a park bench discussing their youth and how things have changed. One says to the other one, "these days there is premarital sex, extramarital sex, swinging... I never had premarital sex with my wife, did you?"

The other thinks for a moment and says "What was her maiden name again?"

The Redneck Poet

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a magnificent, g...

Moral decline of the modern world

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.