Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

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A lesson in etiquette

Three sophisticated southern women sit together at a country club, Eliza, Josephine, and Isabelle.

Eliza says to the other two, "You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary. A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings."

"How wonderful!...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his...

Urinal etiquette tips

It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to g...

Etiquette rule #381: When on a romantic date with a lady, you feel the need to use the bathroom, excuse yourself by saying:

Excuse me, I need to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to later tonight.

A philosophy of bar etiquette.

A utilitarian, a deontologist and a solipsist walk in to a bar.
The utilitarian goes up to the bartender and orders a round of drinks for the bar. Raising his glass, he says "To happiness and the good life!"
After they finish the first round, the deontologist also orders a round for the bar...

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Panda Dinner Etiquette

A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it.

After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door.

"Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress.

Looking back over his shoulder the panda...

Why are rich people so concerned with etiquette?

Because they have a lot of manors.

Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushe...

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

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A man is driving through Hartford, CT

he sees a bunch of orange traffic cones toppled over and strewn all over the road. It's not an isolated incident either. Everywhere in the city traffic cones are in utter disarray, like the construction crews just didn't give a shit and threw them anywhere, causing mayhem with the traffic

At ...

Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man sai...

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]

A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a pot of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.

"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm complete...

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

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"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...

Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Lady 2: Ooo pretty

Lady 3: Well isn't that nice

Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

La...

Two men are playing golf

Two men are hitting the links one day when they realize that they are approaching a pair of women players ahead of them. Realizing that they need to observe proper etiquette, the first man starts to walk down the green to ask if they can play through.

About half way down the green, the first...

A priest was teaching a tribe to be civilized..

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.

He took the village head and walked around the forest.

He pointed at a tree and said "tree". The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased tha...

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“God bless you.”

3 sisters were sitting in the porch drinking mint juleps.
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me a beautiful house with a wrap-around porch! Mable says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Mable says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadilla...

My proctogogist won't take my phone calls anymore.

I guess saying "What, no happy ending!" isn't proper exam room etiquette.

Why are Stamford prisoners so well behaved?

Because they come from con-etiquette.

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once...

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Country Club Women (slightly nsfw)

Four women are sitting around the table at their very prestigious country club drinking wine and talking about how wealthy they are and how much money their husbands make.

The first lady says: Well my husband loves me so much he took me on a 2 week cruise in Europe.

All the ladies nod...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

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How to drive the wife crazy

So these three guys are talking about their sex lives; there's a Mexican, an American, and a Pole all sitting around the bar.

The Mexican is bragging. "When I make love to my wife," he says, "I always grab her by the back of the neck and whisper in her ear. It drives her crazy."

"When ...

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