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Violence Jokes

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

What do you call a threat of violence posted on a bulletin board?

Under a tack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

Stop blaming the video games for violence.

Some of you played Mortal Kombat your whole lives and never learned how to finish her.

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

Rednecks prefer their beer like they prefer their violence

Domestic.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

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I like my violence like I like my beer

Light, domestic, and not enough to call the cops about.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

It took a long time to teach my nephew that violence is never ever the answer.

I think I finally beat it into him.

Family violence

A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents ...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,

but they’ve always worked for me.

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't like domestic violence..

I like international violence, So I take my wife to Japan, Thailand, Croatia.


Just a joke guys..
I don't have money to travel this much..

Why dont people from abusive families report the violence?

Because first rule of fight club is not to talk about the fight club

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate violence ...

Makes me wanna beat the fuck out of someone...

Don't settle for domestic violence

Always seek opportunities for international expansion

I've gone back to customer service after two years of working from home and it's been a bit of a shock. The yelling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence.

I'm really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

Violence is not the answer.

It's the question. Yes is the answer

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

Jokes about domestic violence aren't funny.

They hit a little too close to home.

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

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What happens when you mix Adolf Hitler and domestic violence?

Adolf *Hit-Her*

Games doesn't cause violence because...

...everyone are too busy to sleep with each other's mothers.

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

Mime on mime violence is rampant.

But you just never hear about it.

Why was Gandhi an advocate of naan violence?

Because Hindus don't like beef

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

I don't want to say video games cause violence...

...but after a month of playing Pong, I beat Rafael Nadal in a best of five match and might be Venus Williams' new baby daddy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Violence is the only option.

Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation.

Gamers say video games don't encourage violence.

Yet this new Star Wars Battlefront has got everyone wielding pitchforks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

Why is there no gang violence on the space station?

Because it is a zero G environment.

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

I wanted to spread my message of peace and non-violence to the whole wide world.

So I went to a secluded tribe in the Amazon, and their warriors were not at all keen to see me.

One ran up to me with a spear and said “I will stab you if you don’t leave”.

But I stood my ground, grabbed the spear, and told him that “violence is never the answer”.

He looked at m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

What keyboard shortcut can be used to stop recent senseless violence from continuing?

CTRL-ALT-Right

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

What's the NFL's No.1 Offense?

Domestic Violence.

More men have been enrolling in domestic violence support groups than ever

If you can't beat em, join em

"We like our beer the way we like our violence..."

"Domestic"

-Stolen from a part of a Bill Burr skit. It apparently upset some easily offended people when they saw it at a bar

If the bullying and violence in the school is really getting to you and you don’t want to go back...

...after the summer break, have a word with your parents and try finding another job away from teaching.

We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

A gorilla ask the zookeeper if he has heard about the escaped gorilla

The zookeeper says no. The gorilla replies, that’s because I’m a quiet gorilla

*muffled gorilla violence*

Why did Gandhi throw flatbread at his wife?

Because he believed in naan violence!

What do you call a fight in an Indian Restaurant?

Naan violence.

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