UPJOKE
aggressionintimidationferocityforceconflictterrorismhomicidewarneglecthostilityviolentfurylawwarfaresuicide

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

What do you call a threat of violence posted on a bulletin board?

Under a tack.

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

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I like my violence like I like my beer

Light, domestic, and not enough to call the cops about.

Why did Gandhi throw flatbread at his wife?

Because he believed in naan violence!

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

What do you call a fight in an Indian Restaurant?

Naan violence.

A gorilla ask the zookeeper if he has heard about the escaped gorilla

The zookeeper says no. The gorilla replies, that’s because I’m a quiet gorilla

*muffled gorilla violence*

Why dont people from abusive families report the violence?

Because first rule of fight club is not to talk about the fight club

I like my beer just how I like my violence,

Domestic

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

I walked away from a fight at an Indian restaurant

I chose Naan-violence

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

In New York, when a married couple gets into a fight, it’s called domestic violence.

In Alabama, it’s known as sibling rivalry.

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

Stop blaming the video games for violence.

Some of you played Mortal Kombat your whole lives and never learned how to finish her.

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

Don't settle for domestic violence

Always seek opportunities for international expansion

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

My dad is a magician.

He could turn a six pack into domestic violence!

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

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I don't like domestic violence..

I like international violence, So I take my wife to Japan, Thailand, Croatia.


Just a joke guys..
I don't have money to travel this much..

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

Why do they hate food fights in Chinese restaurants?

Because it's wonton violence.

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I would make a joke about domestic violence

But I just think it would hit too close to home for some

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I got a domestic violence charge

From my penis

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

Violence is not the answer.

It's the question. Yes is the answer

Family violence

A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents ...

Games doesn't cause violence because...

...everyone are too busy to sleep with each other's mothers.

Mime on mime violence is rampant.

But you just never hear about it.

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What happens when you mix Adolf Hitler and domestic violence?

Adolf *Hit-Her*

We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

What does someone with a history or violence who digs up coal, and an 11 year old who swears at you during online hames have in common?

They're both offensive minors.

A tourist sees a man holding a blank piece of paper in Red Square, Moscow

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Why was Gandhi an advocate of naan violence?

Because Hindus don't like beef

I don't want to say video games cause violence...

...but after a month of playing Pong, I beat Rafael Nadal in a best of five match and might be Venus Williams' new baby daddy.

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Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Mo...

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence and nudity

It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

What keyboard shortcut can be used to stop recent senseless violence from continuing?

CTRL-ALT-Right

Gamers say video games don't encourage violence.

Yet this new Star Wars Battlefront has got everyone wielding pitchforks.

I wanted to spread my message of peace and non-violence to the whole wide world.

So I went to a secluded tribe in the Amazon, and their warriors were not at all keen to see me.

One ran up to me with a spear and said “I will stab you if you don’t leave”.

But I stood my ground, grabbed the spear, and told him that “violence is never the answer”.

He looked at m...

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I hate violence ...

Makes me wanna beat the fuck out of someone...

Why is there no gang violence on the space station?

Because it is a zero G environment.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

If the bullying and violence in the school is really getting to you and you don’t want to go back...

...after the summer break, have a word with your parents and try finding another job away from teaching.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

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Violence is the only option.

Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation.

More men have been enrolling in domestic violence support groups than ever

If you can't beat em, join em

The Best Gorilla Joke of 1897

Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?


Zookeeper: No, I did not.


Gorilla: That's because I am a quiet gorilla.


[Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

"We like our beer the way we like our violence..."

"Domestic"

-Stolen from a part of a Bill Burr skit. It apparently upset some easily offended people when they saw it at a bar

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border...

I guess they became Americans after all.

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

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