A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

...the Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

What did the telegraph operator say to kids pranking him?

This is used for work, stop.

This is not a game, stop.

Why is the forklift operator at the distillery you own always so nice to you?

Because it's his job to lift your spirits.

Karen's 911 call

Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.

"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.

"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"
...

Did you hear the one about the Ham Radio Operator's kids?

They di-dit and di-dit 'cuz their dah-dah di-dit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator...

...I sort of phoned in the interview though and the HR department didn’t think it was my true calling so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed.

It's hard to keep track.

A biologist and a radio operator are stranded on an island

None of them had anything except the biologist's phone, and a radio.

The radio operator started to tune the radio to send morse code to send rescue.

The biologist simply made a phone call.

Within a few hours, the both of them were saved.

Amazed, the radio operator asked "...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy ...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

The operator got annoyed at me for whispering..

but I don't get it, they said themselves they're 'experiencing unsually high call volume'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

A frantic woman on the phone:

Hello, My 4 year old son just accidently swallowed my pen, he looks very blue now...

911 operator: ok, I will send an ambulance to you right the way, what’s your address ?

Woman: 123 Centre street, please hurry up, and what should I do in the meantime?

Operator: ... could you us...

Train operator

Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.

I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Me: This man keeps laughing at me!

Operator: That sounds annoying, but it isn't a crime.

Me: then what hell is manslaughter?

A 9-1-1 operator in the deep South picks up the phone

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Oh my God, it's my wife - she done been gored by a hog, she's bleedin' some real bad! Send help!"

"Calm down sir, and tell me where you are"

"I'm at 560 Eucalyptus Drive"

"Can you spell that for me, sir?"

"U... er... E, U... er... ...

Two blondes decide to start a farm.

One goes off to secure some land, and the other goes to buy some animals. Blonde #2 is bad at keeping on to money, so she purposely only takes a hundred dollars with her. Eventually she gets to a place where they're selling bulls for 99 dollars. Naturally, she buys one. But the thing is, her phone i...

A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her.

"Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

Why don't drill operators have friends?

They're boring.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide, and the operator says “If you say what you want when you’re sliding down, you’ll land in it”

The Englishman slides down, shouts “GOLD!!” and lands in a pot of gold
The Scotsman slides down, shouts “SILVER!!” and lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman slides down and shouts “WEEEEEEE!!”

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

I just started a new job as an elevator operator

It has its ups and downs

Eucalyptus street

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over t...

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

A British ship is sinking.

The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."

A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers

"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are y...

A 911 operator answers the phone and a man answers.

911- "911, what's your emergency?"

Man-"Yes, there are 2 girls fighting over me right now."

911- "Sir, I don't see how this qualifies as an emergency"

Man- "The ugly one is winning"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

A constant and e^x was walking along the road...

...when they saw a differential operator in the distance. The constant stops and says "I can't go further because the differential operator will make me disappear". e^(x) replies "yea well a differential operator can't affect me". So e^(x) walks forward to the operator and says "Hey I'm e^(x) " to w...

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: I’m so cold

Operator: OMG stay conscious

Me: no the fridge door is open

911 operator: What’s your emergency?

Me: Um, I think my crush gave me the wrong number.
911 operator: Well, what number did she give you?
Me: this one

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

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