Why don't drill operators have friends?

They're boring.

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

911 operator: What’s your emergency?

Me: Um, I think my crush gave me the wrong number.
911 operator: Well, what number did she give you?
Me: this one

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

My dad met a group of forklift operators today

He said they were very uplifting

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I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

I have an idea for a movie about undead tank operators

I call it GHOST DIVISION

I’ve been told the telegraph operator who repeats himself

Has re-morse.

A 911 operator gets a call.

The caller says, "Help! I was out hunting with my friend, and he slipped and fell down a slope and hit a rock and I think he's dead!"

"Calm down. The first thing you need to do is make sure that he's actually dead."

The operator hears a shot, and then the caller says, "Okay, now what?"

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

T...

This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?

They have the strongest pick up lines.

Being an elevator operator is hard work...

But hey, every job has its ups and downs...

i once turned down a job as a fog machine operator

it was a mist opportunity

Everyone knew it was the Spanish train operator who was behind the dead bodies hidden at the train station.

He always had a locomotive.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

Once upon a time there was a train operator who had a really bad temper

There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. Nobody liked him. He would always bark at people and be aggressive towards them.
One day an 18 year old girl tried to get on his train near its departure time, but being the man he was, he started moving the train, she fell under it and died...

A man reports a crime...

Operator: Sir, what seems to be the problem?

Man: Someone broke into my house, spilled all of my milk, and stole all of my favorite cereal! You know, the original multigrain cereal that has been slightly sweetened.

Operator: Stop your crying...that's just Life.

A Calculus joke

Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's...

I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

The Mexican train operator murdered three people yesterday. He told us that the train told him to do it.

He had a loco motive.

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

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A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What abo...

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Air force colonel and delta operator head back stateside,

and they're waiting for their plane to arrive. Delta guy just wants to sleep, but the Colonel had several coffees, and to pass the time, suggests a game—“I’ll ask you a question, if you can’t answer, you owe me $5. You ask me a question, if I can’t answer, I owe you $500.” Operator stares blankly, t...

A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.

The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Today I got fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator...

Apparently reverse psychology wasn't a good method...

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

Why did the drill operator hate his job?

It was boring.

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair?

he was a bad conductor.

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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.


(We were playing pool)

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

Maths is fun

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic. "What's wrong?" asks e^x. "There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hur...

Two hunters were walking in the woods...

Suddenly one hunter collapses, he doesn't seem the be breathing so the other hunter takes out his phone and dials 9-1-1. "Help! my friend is dead! What do I do?" The hunter says to the operator. The Operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a gunshot ...

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only ...

A Polish man calls 911

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Pole: Help! My wife is trying to kill me!

Operator: How do you know?

Pole: I checked her medicine cabinet and found Polish remover!

I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again.

He had a lot of remorse about that.

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, ...

There were two hunters out in the woods

Along the way they split up, and one of the hunters drew his gun at a twig snapping, then shot at the direction it came from.

Upon discovering it was his buddy he shot, he immediately dialed 9-11.

“Help, I shot my buddy when we were hunting, I don’t know if he is breathing” said the hu...

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Hans turns up for his first day with the German Coast Guard. He's shown round the building, then taken to his new position as radio operator.

"Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves.

Hans sits listening to the radio for a while, when he hears a call.
"Mayday, Mayday - help us, can anyone hear us?"...

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

A guy calls 911

"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"

"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"

"No it's her husband you idiot!"

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

A 911 operator gets a call one morning from a frantic man.

"My friend and I were out on a camping trip and I think he had a heart attack and he might have died and I don't know what to do".

The operator says to him "OK. Stay calm. First lets make sure he is dead".

The man says OK and a minute later the operator hears a gun shot. The man comes ...

I called 1-900-BONDAGE

Got a recording that said "All our operators are tied up right now"

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

Dad Joke

Operator: 911 What's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

A hunter and his friend.....

A hunter and his friend have been camping in the woods for a few days. One day, however, the hunter noticed his friend was sleeping for a very long time. He repeatedly tries to wake him up, but fails each time. He then runs to the cabin near him and dials 911. He says to the operator: "I think my fr...

Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young...

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

Two men are walking through a forest

One man collapses to the ground, completely still

The other guy pulls his phone out and dials 911

“Hello, is this 911?”

“Yes sir, what is your emergency?”

“My friend just collapsed to the floor, i think he might be dead”

“Sir can you make sure he is dead?”

T...

The farmer and his wife needed a new bull...

There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy.

One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into ...

idk i thought it was funny

2 lumberjacks are hanging out in the woods, when suddenly one of them collapses. the other guy calls 911.

lumberjack: "my friend just collapsed, i think he might be dead."

operator: "ok, just make sure first."

\*gunshot is heard on the operators end\*

lumberjack: okay, wh...

Night at the fair

A young man decides to take his tinder date to the fair. He meets her at the gates, pays their admission and in they go. They ride some rides, eat some deep fried Oreos, play some games. He asks her what she wants to do next.

A smile crosses her face and she says, “I wanna get
weighed.”...

A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk through the woods...

All of a sudden, the brunette falls to the ground. The blonde begins panicking and calls 9-1-1.

“This is 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” The operator says.

The blonde replies “I’m in a forest and my friend just passed out! I think she’s having a heart attack and might be dead!”

...

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

*If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.*

*If You have Ocd, Push The numbers 1, 2, 3, 7*

*If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.*

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.*

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what ...

Oh deer

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911, what's the emergency?"

"Oh man oh man oh man"

"Calm down, sir. What has happened?"

"I shot Bill. I think it's bad. He's bleeding all over the place"

"You shot him?"

"Yes yes yes. I shot him. Didn't mean to! My rifle slipped ...

Two men go hunting in the forest.

They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what’s wrong, but he won’t move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911. The man shouts frantically into the phone, “My buddy just collapsed! He isn’t moving and I think h...

My Jobs—

I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick with it. I tried my hand at a career in tennis, but it wasn't my racket—I was too high strung. I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way. I got a job at a pool company, but the work was too draining. I was a historian, but I could...

A woman goes into her office

She sees 2 of her male co-workers chatting, and one of them makes a joke, they both start laughing.

The woman, who is in a bad mood, thought that they were laughing at her, so she says "Hey, stop that!". The men don't hear them over the sound of their own laughter. The woman then says that if...

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

Hello 911?

Operator: Yes hello what is your emergency?

Me: These men won’t stop laughing

Operator: Okay that sounds annoying but it’s not a crime.

Me: Wtf is manslaughter then

Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year

Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go

But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"


The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for fre...

A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911

Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?

Blonde: Help my house is on fire!

Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?

Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

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I wrote a letter to my dad (by Mitch Hedberg)

I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write: "I really enjoy being here",
but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.



I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,
so I wrote: "I rarely drive steamboats, dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy Bob and Joe Junior are out hunting.

A rattle snake bites Joe Junior on the dick.



So Billy Bob phones 911. He says "Help me please. My friend has been bitten by a rattle snake."

The operator says "Okay. What I need you to do is put your mouth on the wound and suck out the poison."

So Joe Junior says "What...

A Blonde Calls 911 on a Friday night

"Hello, what's your emergency? "

"My friend has been stabbed! "

"Okay, where are you? "

"Tchefuncte Street"

"Tche what? What street did you say? Can you spell it? "

"Uh... " afterwards the 911 operator heard panting and shuffling of feet for about 5 minutes
...

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