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Psychopath Jokes

They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer.

There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance.

Why are hair stylists the best psychopaths?

Because they want everybody to dye.

How can you tell if a psychopath is a magician?

They make everyone disappear.

Did you hear? A psychopathic scientist cloned a guy, killed the clone, and made the original eat the clone?

He really was full of himself

I’ve got a friend who’s a psychopath and he’s got a brilliant sense of humour.

He kills me!

What did the psychopath say to the dismembered immortal?

You talk too much. Stop while you're a head.

Why can’t you hear a psychopath on the toilet?

Because his P is silent.

Someone I know was diagnosed as a psychopath.

He doesn't know how to feel.

Keep your eyes out for the early signs of a psychopath:

1) Obsession with setting fires
2) Persistent bedwetting past the age of 5
3) Cruelty to animals
4) Pronouncing "GIF" with a soft "G"

Why did the Spanish Psychopath only kill on trains?

Because he had a locomotive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

You ever hear about the psychopathic door?

He was unhinged.

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

What would you call a movie staring Jake Paul and a Psychopath?

Dumb and Dahmer

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls ...

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.


A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

What’s the difference between dating a psychopath and going to a haunted house?

Once you come inside you can’t go back

What do a schizophrenic and psychopath share in common?

I don’t know, I’m asking for a friend

A bigot redneck and a psychopathic grandma get into an arguement

Someone filmed it and decided to call it politics

Yeah I carry a gun on me at all times

You have to these days ... because you never know when some psychopath is gonna come up to you and say ...

..."you're fired."

\-Dave Attel

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

What do you call a psychopathic farm?

A hos-till farm

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin

But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

Should we eliminate psychopaths from the gene pool?

It might seem like a splendid idea, but as much pain and suffering these individuals put the rest of us through... We still need women for survival of the species.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a liar and a psychopath?

A psychopath wouldn't fuck a coconut.

What do you call the trail to the insane asylum?

A psychopath

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

Prayers before going on a blind date

Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...

Man : god , don't let her be fat..

Where do paranoid schizophrenics ride their bicycles?

On the psychopath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the garden at the mental hospital, six patients are sat outside when the cat walks past.

The zoophile says: Let's fuck the cat.

The sadist says: Let's fuck the cat and then torture it.

The psychopath says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill it.

The necrophile says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again.

The pyromaniac says: ...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

Dolphins are the Ted Bundy of the animal kingdom

Raping murdering psychopaths, but white women love them.

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

What’s the worst path you can follow?

A psychopath!

(Sorry)

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

If mental hospitals had walkways...

They'd be called psychopaths.

What's the best way to get to the mental hospital?

Take the psychopath!!

What do you call walking trails behind mental institutions?

Psychopaths

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