What type of fish leads its school?

a sardean

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

So the FBI only interviewed ten people in the Brett Cavanaugh investigation, despite getting thousands of leads.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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A man walks happily into a car dealership with an emu.

A salesman walks up to the man and asks, "Can I help you?" The man replies, "I would like to buy your most expensive car." Humoring the man with the emu, the salesman leads him over to a Bentley and says, "This model costs 204,572.99 dollars." Without missing a beat, the man reaches into his pocket ...

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

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I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

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Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

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A guy entered the "Can He Do It" show on Belgiums national TV.

He claims he can tell women's zipcodes by feeling their breasts. The host leads him to some women in bikini and tells him to do his magic.

He feels the first woman's breasts and within 20 seconds he states "8670".

Second girl he feels her up and states "9010".

He goes down the l...

An experienced mountain guide leads a tourist from the big town trough a narrow cliff.

The tourist annoys the guide with dozends of questions. The guide swallows his pride and paitiently answers all the questions the tourist has. Finally they reach a spot the guide has the tourist on suspense on a long rope.

"Oh it´s deep here" the tourist says.

"Yep, always was" the gui...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

Alabama leads nation in fewest covid related deaths.

They have been marking uncles, fathers, and brothers as the same person when they die.

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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A sex therapist decides to test out the theory that more frequent sex leads to more happiness

So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
A third of the people in the room raise their hands, each of them grinning widely, big smiles. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Onc...

2 jump leads go into a bar..

Barman says “I’m happy to serve you but don’t go starting anything”

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

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