Rung Jokes - 37 Hilarious Rung Jokes

I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

I had to choose between climbing or using a runged device...

I chose the latter.

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

I fell off the top rung of a 30 foot ladder today...

... fortunately I was using it upside down.

If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...

I would choose the ladder.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I fell off a 32' extension ladder.

Good thing I was only on the first rung.

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*

*"Were you close?"* he asked

*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

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Dear Deirdre.

My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep in...

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A man left his wife because he found out she was a prostitute

and, boy, had he rung up a bill!

I fell off a 50 ft ladder

Thankfully I was on the first rung. (this was on my school's TV monitors today)

I climbed a really tall ladder.

Afterwards, I was rung out.

An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.

The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.

The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings ...

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.

Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time ...

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The Priests final test

There were 5 Priests-to-be in a room, each were at the final stages of their tests to become full priests. The test involved tying a bell to their penis and having a sexy woman walk by them, if the bell rang they failed.

.

The sexy woman entered the room and walked past...

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like thi...

The story of Quasimodo

This was my grandfather's favorite joke. Its a long one but clean and funny.

Quasimodo was looking through the classified one day when he spotted a job opening for bell ringer at St Thomas Cathedral.
He immediately ran to see the bishop and said, "bishop, bishop, I want to be th...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

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A wealthy widow decides to get remarried.

So she decides to post an ad in the newspaper.

I am a wealthy widow looking for a new husband. All I ask are three things. 1: he musn't beat me. 2: he musn't walk over me. 3: he must be good in bed. Apply in person at xxx widow's peak.

At 8:00 am the following day, her doorbell rang. W...

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A cougar is at the grocery store.

She fills her cart with all the items on her list and gets to the cashier. While her groceries were being rung up, she happened to glance over and notice the young strapping 17-year old high school boy carry out that was bagging her groceries. She was quite taken by his good looks and build so she t...

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?...

A priest lived behind his chapel

...and one morning, he heard a knock on his door. The priest opens the door and finds an armless man standing there.

"How can I help you, son?" Asks the priest.

"Well sir," said the fellow, "The name's Sam, and I'm down out of luck. It's hard to get by as an armless man, and I need to ...

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(Long one) A man goes into a store a buys a parrot, he takes it home and...

The parrot refuses to speak. The next day he goes back to the store and tells the shopkeeper the parrot wouldn't talk. The shopkeeper hands the man a little bell. He says "Hang this in his cage. He'll ring it and then speak."

The man buys the bell and takes it home. The parrot rings it, but s...

An armless homeless man walks into a church.

There was a help wanted sign on the door. He asks the priest what kind of help the church needs.

"Bell ringer" says the priest.
"I can ring a bell" says the armless homeless man.

The priest looked at the man with concern.

"I can do it, I really need this opportunity!" He pr...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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