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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

Step by step guide to falling down the stairs:

Step 1:

Step 4:

Step 8:

Step 11:

Step 17:

Hospital

A couple of geese fell down from the stairs.

They got multiple goose bumps.

What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone?

The ascent. (Ass-scent)

Thanks to my daughter for that one.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen hawking during a house fire

What do you call a snobbish criminal who is going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

My brother prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

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Mother in law and stairs

Two old friends meet each other after a long time:

A: Oh hey, what's new?

B: Nothing much, my mother in law died.

A: Oh really, damn, how?

B: She went downstairs to the basement to get some potatoes for lunch, fell and broke her neck.

A: That's tragic, what did you...

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

I don't trust stairs.

... they are always up to something.

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?

The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.

And the man in the room, Himalayan.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing

On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.

The first brunette only made it to the first stair.

The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.

The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99t...

they have a Roomba now that can clean stairs

which sucks on so many levels

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Could I interest you in a show about stairs?

It’s a multi-step program!

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

Biden will NEVER get my guns

I keep them upstairs

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

As kids, my dad used to tell us a joke while we walked up the stairs to our bedrooms.

I was chatting with him recently and, no joke, he said he always enjoyed having Ascents of Humor with us.

Bravo, dad, bravo.

How to fall down the stairs

Step one
Step two
Step three


Step six

Step eight



Step twelve
FLOOR

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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A man is 93 and his wife is 85 and she says to him "As its saturday night, come up stairs and make love to me"...

He says "Well i can't do both"....

It's a terrible joke, but I thought it was funny when I came up with it when I was a kid, so go easy on me!0I told my kids this joke yesterday and they booed me for the worst dad joke of all time... Funny thing is that I was 7 or 8 when I came up with the joke...

There once was an inventor working in his garage. He had a brilliant idea to make stairs that automatically move you between floors. After a long evening of tinkering he got hungry and called out to his wife to make him a sandwich. When there was no response he said to himself "I guess I'll ask-her-...

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

I read a book the other day about the emotion struggles of an attractive hustler walking down stairs.

The ending was pretty condescending.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Two trustworthy, reliable and good politicians walk down a flight of stairs

Trump says to Putin:

"Also taking the elevator today?"

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says "Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case". Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around this precin...

What's the easiest way to build stairs?

By using a step-by-step guide

Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment.

That's messed up on so many levels!

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

What do you say to someone who threw an Asian guy down the stairs?

That is Wong on so many levels.

Every day, I find a staircase in some building, disassemble one of the stairs, and leave with it.

I just like to take things, one step at a time.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

Stupid people are like Slinkies.

They don't have much purpose, but it's fun to push them down the stairs.

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Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down

Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

I am afraid of stairs

not sure what steps I should take to overcome it!

I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump.

"Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"



Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

This one is mine, so it's not great, but I like it....

A guy named Bob works in an oil refinery, and since he only lives about a mile from the plant, he just rides his bicycle in every day. There only inconvenience is he has to carry his bike across a catwalk that stretches over numerous vats of oil being refined.

One day, he stumbles and *gloop...

My irrational fear of moving stairs seems to be getting worse.

You might say it’s… escalating.

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

My overweight friend fell down the stairs

He was fine. everyone was concerned, however the floor was cracking up

Three old ladies playing a round of bridge

The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."

The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was ...

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Four nuns die and walk the stairs to the pearly gates of heaven

Four nuns die and walk the stairs to the pearly gates of heaven.

They're in a queue waiting to get in, when St. Peter walks up to one and asks her to confess her sins.

The first nun confesses, "Well one time, I touched the penis of a man with one hand."

So St. Peter replies, "Ok...

Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs?

Just follow these ten simple steps!

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

When you work from home, what do you call a cat on the stairs in the morning?

Traffic.

What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

How to walk up the stairs

Step1:

Step2:

Step3:

What do you call a man with a broken leg that just fell down the stairs?

Unlucky

(Offensive) How do people in wheelchairs go down the stairs?

Fast...

I don't like stairs.

They're always up to something. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs...

... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin.

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

I dropped my pie on the apartment stairs

Now it’s some where between three and four

Why are Carpenters that build stairs very successful in life?

They are always thinking a step ahead

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Two married buddies are out drinking late one night...

...when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before going into the house, sneak up the s...

Did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at the airport?

Damn near missed the whole flight

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...

A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a po...

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

Man comes home from work and yells up the stairs: "Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

Wife answers "Ooh, wonderful! Should I pack for the mountains or pack for the beach?"

He replies "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

I was running up some stairs that never ended the other day.

It was really good Escher-size.

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Teacher says, “The president is coming to school! Now listen,

He’s a very powerful man and he must be respected.

When he gets out of his car everybody cheer.

When he walks up the steps shout, ‘again! again!again!’.

Finally, when he’s in the classroom chant his name”.

The president gets out of the car and steps on shit.

*Ever...

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