"Leagues" in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" refers to horizontal distance, not depth.

Otherwise it would be called "Journey to the Center of the Earth."

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

I forgot to take my phone to the toilet

There are 1325 vertical and 975 horizontal lines on the tiles.

Don't call them "fat"

They are "horizontally challenged"

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

Me: Doctor, I’m afraid of the Horizontal Axis.

Doctor: Oh, my ex had that problem as well.

Me: [Screams]

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

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If our ass was split horizontally

It would clap when we run down the stairs

There once was a small mining town in which a man named Jim worked long and hard hours in a dark mine shaft.....

One day he and his fellow co-workers got paid and decided to have a night out on the town. They went to bars and burnt most of their money drinking, except for Jim. Jim had saved his money for something special, a brothel.

Jim walked into the brothel and boisterously exclaimed: "Show me to y...

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

This time America was the best in flattening the curve

Thay just got confused between horizontally or vertically

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Why aren't your buttcheeks horizontal?

Because if you went down a slide you'd go blblblblblblblblbll... (When telling the joke you're supposed to do a duck face and hum and put your finger up and down on your lips.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.



That's all!

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die...

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

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Would I?

Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.

A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.

Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance...

It's very easy to tell when I'm lying.

Usually, my body is in a horizontal position.

Interview for a secretarial job

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.
Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?
First Girl: "one is hairy, the other isn't " .....Boss: "OK.. good!"
Second Girl: "one ...

Dont you hate it when a bunch of trashy women walk in a line and block off the sidewalk for everybody else?

I guess thats why they call it a horizontal line.

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Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-...

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

I did bad and I should feel bad

What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people?

Horizontal blinds.

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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

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