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A guy and a girl go out on a date.. It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get that shit again."

What do you call a horizontal walrus?

A floorus.

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If our ass was split horizontally

It would clap when we run down the stairs

Me: Doctor, I’m afraid of the Horizontal Axis.

Doctor: Oh, my ex had that problem as well.

Me: [Screams]

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

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A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It...

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.



That's all!

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

Don't call them "fat"

They are "horizontally challenged"

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die...

This time America was the best in flattening the curve

Thay just got confused between horizontally or vertically

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

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Would I?

Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.

A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.

Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance...

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

It's very easy to tell when I'm lying.

Usually, my body is in a horizontal position.

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

Dont you hate it when a bunch of trashy women walk in a line and block off the sidewalk for everybody else?

I guess thats why they call it a horizontal line.

Interview for a secretarial job

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.
Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?
First Girl: "one is hairy, the other isn't " .....Boss: "OK.. good!"
Second Girl: "one ...

I did bad and I should feel bad

What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people?

Horizontal blinds.

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Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-...

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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

Hey Baby are you Rockefeller?

Because I think we should Horizontally Integrate.

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It is a good thing butt cracks are vertical...

If they were horizontal, we would hear clapping every time someone used the stairs.

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