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Kinder Jokes

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out...

No bueno

What do cannibals call pregnant women?

Kinder surprise

The man who invented the Kinder Surprise had died.

The pathologist who does his autopsy is in for a treat.

what's the best thing about germany?

Children are Kinder over there!

What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

Why don't Catholic priests use Tinder?

Because they use Kinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S ...

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

What is the one thing that we will never see happening in the U.S.?

School shooting...


where the shooter is eating a Kinder Surprise Egg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Correcting an old joke

*This joke was told wrongly elsewhere:*

Chaim is dying, and he tells his family, gathered around the death-bed, “Please, get me a priest! I want to convert.”

“Chaim, you have been a good Jew all your life. Why would you want to convert, now, when you are so close to dying?”

“E...

I've traveled the world and met people from many countries.

From my experience, American kids are some of the nicest, but German children are kinder

You know what they say about German kids?

They're kinder over there

(yoinked from u/vatzhie04, it was too good to resist)

There is a new dating-app especially for peadophiles.

Kinder

I’m thinking of moving my family to Berlin

I hear that in Germany, children are kinder.

What do you call a dating app for Catholic priests?

Answer: Kinder

What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

What did the man say to the odd-looking German child whom he had never met before but helped him out?

Thank you strange kinder!

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

Some German kids handed me a bunch of coins I'd never seen before.

Thanks for the strange gold, kinder!

[NSFW] Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.

‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler asks a jewish kid...

Hitler wants to hear the dreams of jewish kids. So, he visits Auschwitz and finds one kid sitting in a corner, freezing to death.

"Hallo kinder, what is your dream?"

"Herr Hitler, when I grow-"

"IF..IF you grow up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard there is a new dating app for paedophiles

Kinder is due to be released shortly!

[Discussion] Anyone have any jokes for this situation?

Firstly, i'm not exactly sure if i'm allowed to post this type of thread. If i'm not, please redirect me to a subreddit that could possibly help before spewing mindless hatred.

A friend of mine has started dating a new girl recently and she's two years younger than him and she's underage. The...

A man is walking in the desert in Saudi Arabia.

As he's walking, a local man on a camel begins to come into view. The tourist turned and could see that a woman was walking behind the local man on the camel. The tourist asked the man:

"Who is that?"

"That is my wife," he replied.

"Wouldn't it be kinder to let her ride the came...

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