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Merciful Jokes

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A king was feeling merciful one day.

He decides that his dungeons are getting full so he will grant freedom to some of the prisoners upon completing a simple task.

A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.

An Irish man comes to him with a clover. "All y...

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

What’s the most merciful thing you can do for a vegetable?

Unplug it from life sustaining equipment.

No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul

Moses ascends to the mountaintop...

Moses ascends to the mountain top. When he reaches its peak, the voice of God booms from the sky above:

“Moses!” It bellows, “This is the voice of God!”

“You’re God!?” Moses replies, awestruck.

“Yes, it is I, The one true God!”

“I don’t believe it! You’re really God!”
...

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"...

An artist, a baker and an engineer are in line to be beheaded...

The artist goes first. They put his head in the guillotine and release the mechanism. It stops 3 inches short! The king decides that he'll be merciful and releases him! He's ecstatic!

The baker is next. They put his head in the guillotine and release it. This time it stops 2 inches short. The...

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

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Three nuns

Three nuns, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.

Priest said to them : I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I ...

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An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"

He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of cr...

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… and he deserved it.

Hey, boys and girls, it’s Lee here with News from the Trenches, and as always, Ithank you all for subscribing to my podcast.

So I got some good news about my old pal, Barry! He finally dumped that gold digging witch he was dating!

For those of you just tuning in for the first time, B...

There's been a plane crash

The police show up at one of the victims doors;

Wife: Hello, do you have any news on my husband?

Police: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news concerning your husband.

Wife: Well tell me the good news first, I need something to raise my spirits.

...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

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My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way

Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.

Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thie...

First God created the world

Then he created all the plants and creatures upon it, and thereafter did he create man in his own image. Seeing that man was clever, God invented the alphabet and gave it to man for his use. But lo, God's alphabet had only 24 letters within it, and man was sorely angry, being unable to write some of...

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

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Osama bin Laden dies and goes to heaven . . . .

. . . . So he's waiting at this gate when all of a sudden, George Washington comes out.

"You attacked the country I helped found!" and beats the crap out of him. Then he goes back inside and Thomas Jefferson comes out. "You hate the Declaration of Independence that I wrote!" And beats the eve...

My favorite joke

3 men get stranded on an island. These men are captured by local cannibals. Now the cannibals being merciful tell the 3 men that they will provide them with any weapon they want to kill themselves, in which afterwards they will be eaten and their skins with be made into boats. So the first guy says ...

A devout peasant in the dark ages...

Has a starving family, so goes to the church to pray. "Oh, please lord, oh great one, in your benevolence provide my family with sustenance".A lump of meat falls from the heavens and lands at his feet. The next week they are starving again, so the peasant goes back to the church, kneels and bows his...

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Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

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