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Kicked Jokes

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My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I got kicked out of mime school

Must've been something I said

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony

Apparently, he kept sticking his nose in everyones' business.

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

My wife kicked me out. She says it’s because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

I was kicked out of my weight watchers meeting yesterday, because I spilled a bag of M&M's on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo I've ever seen.

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

I got kicked out of a buffet

If they didn't want me to eat the patrons, the rules should have said so.

Why did the egg dad get kicked out of the house?

Because his family couldn't handle his egg-cellent dad yolks anymore!

Happy father's day!

Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?

Too much drag

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

My best friend got kicked in the groin and passed out so I brought him to the hospital

Me: “How is my friend doing?”

Doctor: “She is ok”

Someone recently got kicked out of flight school

Their career just couldn’t take off

Why was the volleyball captain kicked out of prom?

For spiking the punch.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

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Why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?

She was caught sitting on pinoccios face yelling lie you stupid fucker

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!

Have I told you about the time I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant?

I left without paying so they had to Banh Mi

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of her house?

Too Mennonite.

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

Why did the Girl Scout leader get kicked out of the troop.

They got caught eating brownies.

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

OP. Got kicked off an electrical job today.

Lady wanted me to check the light fixture in her bedroom. I set up my ladder under the fixture and removed the cover, then asked if she could turn on the switch at the door. Being out in hallway, she said, “Give me a sec.” I smiled and told her I’d give her all the ‘secs’ she wanted.

Why was the surgeon kicked off the team?

He couldn't make the cut

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

Why did the glue get kicked out of art supplies school?

It didn’t adhere to the rules

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

I got kicked off the plane.

What? All I said was hi to my friend Jack.

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"

They got kicked out. One string gets an idea and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Ok." And comes back with a beer. "Wait, are you a string?"

The string got kicked out.

...

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Why was Hitler kicked off the track team?

He could never finish a race.

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

Why did the tea enthusiast get kicked out of the Taiwanese tea shop?

Because he took toolong.

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

I was kicked out of the hospital when I tried to cheer up Covid Patients.

All I said was "Don't worry, everything is going to be ok. Just stay positive".

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

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