This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

George Bush went to the store on day and bought a rotisserie chicken for dinner. He began his trek home when a sudden and serious hunger fell over him. His stomach grumbled, he had a headache, all his mind could think about was eating. Fortunately, he was able to bear with it until he got home. Once...

An old couple started thinking they had memory problems.

They went to the doctor and he said both of their brains seemed fine but he suggested that they take notes whenever they need to remember something. One night they were watching tv. The husband got up to go get ice cream. “Can you get me one too?” The wife asked. “Okay.” Said the husband.”Shouldn’t ...

2 Irishmen on a plane

There are two Irishmen on a plane from Dublin to New York. Whilst they're talking to each other they get interrupted by an announcement from the pilot:

"Sorry to disturb you all but I think it's best you know one of our engines has failed. Don't worry we can still make it on 3 engines but the...

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.



“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared...

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to walk into a store

When I inadvertently stepped in some dog shit, so I grumbled a bit, wiped it off and went about my business. As I was leaving, I saw that someone else had stepped in it too and was leaning on the store window, scraping off his shoe. I walked up to him and said “I just did that!” And he punched me in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre is a French fighter pilot

He is telling a story to his friends about how his superiors want to teach him to use his parachute properly, but he was arguing saying "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, I will never crash so I with need to worry." His superiors tell him again that he needs to learn about safety and he says the...

Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!

Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.

The chicken, amazingly, st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"


The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man goes to a prostitute

He asks how much for a blow job.

She looks him up and down and says it will be 150 bucks.

He gasps and tells her it was only 30 dollars when he was a younger.

Welp thats how much they are now-a-days.

He grumbles, hands her the 150, drops his pants and starts masturbating...

Doug was playing poker with some friends

As the night went on, he noticed the mood at the table was getting tense, so he decided to lighten the atmosphere a bit. As the next round started, and everyone else put their ante chips in, Doug reached into the snack tray and tossed a handful of potato chips into the pot.

"What the hell are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

A blind man and his wife

A recently blind man sits down to dinner with his wife and friends, one of his closest friends asks “What’s it like being blind, have you had to rely a lot upon your wife?”

The man much to his wife’s displeasure replies “Actually I have found that where my eyesight failed, my other senses pi...

There were three electrons going on a tour

Of Rhode Island. They are walking around happily when the police came and arrested one of them.

Despite protests from his friends , he was thrown across the state borders and asked to never come back. But him being a sport sneaked back across that night itself.

The next day, they were ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

Jimmy has a go-cart

Father Martin was walking down the sidewalk one morning and saw little Jimmy approaching on his go cart. As he rolled closer, one of the wheels popped off and the cart came to a screeching halt.
"God damn!" hollered Jimmy.
Father Martin ran over and knelt beside the cart. "Jimmy, Jimmy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and a Chihuahua Walk Into a Bar...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and Chihuahua walk into a bar looking for a cool drink. A beautiful female Collie struts by and stops at their table, saying: "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese!" The Collie replies: "That's not go...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed...

The chicken's got a big, satisfied grin on his face, and he's lying there smoking a cigarette. The egg, on the other hand, doesn't look so happy. Her little brow is furrowed and she has a frustrated frown. She looks at the chicken and grumbles, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

[Long] A man walked into a barn.

The farmer asked,"Why are you here?"

The man said, "To get water."

The farmer opened the door and gave the man a cup of water.

"Why don't you have water?" he asked.

"My water was on my horse when it ran away," replied the man. "By the way, do you happen to have a horse I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest...

So little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest on the way to grandma's house. She see's some nice flowers and goes to pick them. There she see's the wolf's feet.

"oh my Mr. wolf, what big feet you have"

Wolf just grumbles something and walks away.

Little red just k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's President's Day and Mrs. Rosewood was giving her students a bonus quiz...

Whoever could identify the president who said the famous quote would not have any homework that night.

"Alright, class. Who said "A house divided against itself cannot stand."?"
Lil' Johnny knew the answer, but wasn't the first to have his hand up. That was Jamal Jefferson.

"Was it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George arrived at work looking haggard and tired every day.

His buddy, Earl, asked him why, and he said, “I wake up like this! My wife and I start the day with the fight we were having the night before. It’s awful!”
Earl quietly nodded, and said, “I think I have just the thing for you.”
The next morning, Earl brought in a beautiful hand-carved wooden ...

A disgruntled cow complains about the way it's treated

The Cow grumbles under its breath "This lousy cowboy does nothing but push me around all day"
Cowboy: "What's that you said?"
Cow: "You herd me!"

Old timers

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man get...

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.

The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."

The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in fron...

Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir ...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

A police officer stops a car and says:

- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"

- "What will you do with that money?"

The driver gets very emotional and says,

- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"

The wife cuts in,

- "Don't lis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...

...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"

Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. A few minutes pass and a leprechaun runs into the bar, jumps on to a stool, then up on the bar, does a little jig, then spits in the man's beer and takes off out the door. The man, now visibly irritated, grumbles "if I catch that leprechaun I'm g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] On a midnight train to Georgia...

A man and a woman, total strangers, find themselves sharing the same double bunk-bed passenger cabin on the 10:15 PM Amtrack express to Atlanta due to a mix-up at the ticket office.

It's the middle of winter. There's frost on the window, and the shitty Amtrak maintenance means the heat is ou...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.

First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground t...

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

A man, wandering through the desert, comes across a small town. [Long]

Being thirsty and exhausted, he looks for the nearest inn. Soon enough, he finds one and stumbles in.
"Water," he mumbles to the bartender, holding up two fingers and glancing at the sign that reads 'Free Water'. As soon as the waters arrive, he gulps both of them down.
"You must be th...

When my friend and her five year old daughter were shopping, the little girl picked out a dress she loved.

Her mother shook her head."That's too expensive," she said.

She dutifully put back the dress, but as she did so, she grumbled, "Well, why did you have me if you can't afford me?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an 3rd grade American class room...

The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents.

"Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class.

Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student.

"Yes?" the teacher asked.

"Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly.

"That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

A restaurant owner was looking for a cook

And he found a man named Deway. Deway was an excellent cook-- his dishes were exquisite and his recipes were simple. He cooked quickly and efficiently and cleaned up after himself. The owner hired him immediately, but he quickly noticed that Deway loved to mutter and grumble to himself as he cooked....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania.

Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour.

"Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!"

his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked bac...

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

A nun takes a poor man golfing for charity.

On the first hole the man completely shanks a shot and says, "Goddamnit I missed."

The nun replies, "You shouldn't take the lords name in vain."

The guy grumbles and they keep playing. A few holes later the man hits a ball in to a sand-trap and again says, "Goddamnit I missed."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

A man Walk in to a Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple were laying in bed one night...

An old married couple were in bed one night, about to go to sleep. All of a sudden the old man passes gas, loudly. The wife, annoyed, says "what on earth was that?!"

The old man thinks for a second, then says "Fart Football. 7-nothing!" The wife grumbles and they both go back to falling aslee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three criminals meet in a restaurant...

Three career criminals, each of them burglars, were meeting in a restaurant to discuss recent developments in their work.

The first thief shook his head a little bit, giving his water glass a forlorn frown. "The market for gems has dried up. What little I manage to get my hands on is hard to ...

Two warring nations....(kinda long)

Two warring nations have been fighting over their "holy land" for hundreds upon hundreds of years. One day, they decide to send their best philosopher to a duel of knowledge, to determine who truly deserves the "holy land". The only dilemma is neither nation speaks the same language.

So the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."

All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.

Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official return...

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...

So this black bear walked into a restaurant...

So this black bear walks into a restaurant. Ok, wait, I know what you’re thinking, why’s it have to be a BLACK bear? Ok, fine, it was a brown bear... no wait... that still won’t work. Polar bear? Maybe a grizzly bear, though, I guess technically that’s still brown. You know what, it doesn’t matter. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turtle and his girlfriend leave the house for a picnic.

They walk for a hour before finding the perfect spot. They begin unpacking their picnic basket and soon realize they have all the food but forgot their dishes and silverware.


"You should go get them," says the girl.

"Are you kidding me? It took us forever to get here. Let's just d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see the doctor . . .

. . . and pulls down his pants to reveal his penis is bright orange.

"Hmmm," the doctor says, "have you had any unprotected sex in the last 6 months?"

"No!" the man grumbled.

"Well, have you been to any 3rd-world countries lately?"

No, I *haven't*," the man said nastily.<...

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large plane crashed...

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.