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Kicking Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

Me: *kicking stirrups* get along now!

Gynecologist: Stop that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a death by someone kicking your butt?

*Assass*ination

A man sees his wife in pain as the baby is kicking.

Husband: Oh honey, I can't imagine what it feels like.

Wife: Don't worry, it's not your fault.

Husband: What do you mean its not my fault?

The last thing my grandpa said before kicking the bucket...

Hey Ed, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? He tripped and fell into a ravine. RIP pops.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said ‘Well, are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been kicking ass all day. Not taking names, just kicking ass.

But i work at the census bureau so I should probably start.

My sister is pregnant, and suddenly said, “He’s kicking!”

So I punched her in the stomach. Can’t believe her son thinks it’s okay to hit women.

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me ...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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What's the best thing about kicking the shit out of an orphan kid?

They cannot tell their parents



Very sorry about saying this

"Oh my goodness," said my wife, "our baby's kicking."

I said, "Yes. That's generally how football works."

TIFU by kicking my computer monitor...

and my foot still hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad is pissed at me for kicking ice cubes under the freezer

But to me it’s just water under the fridge.

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

This guy in the pub started kicking up a fuss.

He said, "I heard that you were looking up my girlfriend's skirt at her knickers!"

I said, "Nope, that's incorrect."

He said, "What do you mean that's incorrect?"

I said, "She isn't wearing any knickers."

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