UPJOKE

Kicked Out Jokes

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you ÂŁ20 and you paid ÂŁ5 to Joanne, ÂŁ5 to Jane and ÂŁ5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony

Apparently, he kept sticking his nose in everyones' business.

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

I was kicked out of my weight watchers meeting yesterday, because I spilled a bag of M&M's on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo I've ever seen.

Why did the egg dad get kicked out of the house?

Because his family couldn't handle his egg-cellent dad yolks anymore!

Happy father's day!

Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?

Too much drag

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Why was the volleyball captain kicked out of prom?

For spiking the punch.

I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

I got kicked out of a buffet

If they didn't want me to eat the patrons, the rules should have said so.

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Why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?

She was caught sitting on pinoccios face yelling lie you stupid fucker

What happened to the student who got kicked out of Hogwarts?

They were exspelled

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris.

He constantly feels their pain.

I got kicked out of my favorite Vietnamese restaurant and told I can never come back.

How dare they banh mi!

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

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A kid goes to a chabad school and gets kicked out

Then his parents frustrated send him to a Jewish day school and the administrators say no he is too bad we can’t take him. So his parents even more frustrated decide to send him to military school and the general tells the parents they can’t deal with him either. The parents all out of ideas decid...

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of her house?

Too Mennonite.

Why did the Girl Scout leader get kicked out of the troop.

They got caught eating brownies.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

Why did the glue get kicked out of art supplies school?

It didn’t adhere to the rules

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

Why did the tea enthusiast get kicked out of the Taiwanese tea shop?

Because he took toolong.

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

I was kicked out of the hospital when I tried to cheer up Covid Patients.

All I said was "Don't worry, everything is going to be ok. Just stay positive".

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

Why was the ghost kicked out of the bar?

Because he had one too many boos!

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Why did the chicken get kicked out of the coop?

Because it was ostrich-sized.

I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

A Sergeant this morning told me "if I turn down the shot I'll get kicked out of the Army."

Me: yeah, but If you get the shot you'll be stuck in the Army...

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Got kicked out of a funeral today

My mourning wood was showing

I got kicked out of church

Apparently it’s “rude” to say going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

I got kicked out of a bar last night...

It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.

But then they played “Come On Eileen”

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What did the man kicked out of the sperm bank say?

That’s the last time I cum in here!

I got kicked out of a church confessional today.

Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"

They got kicked out. One string gets an idea and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Ok." And comes back with a beer. "Wait, are you a string?"

The string got kicked out.

...

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Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

Why was the thorn kicked out of the rose?

Because he was being a prick.

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

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I got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping my balls in glitter

Pretty nuts huh!!

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A fisherman was kicked out of his band.

They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.

Why did the vegan get kicked out of church?

He said he really enjoyed seitan.

Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her colony?

She slept with two Mennonite.

Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven?

He ate too much angel hair

My friend was kicked out of the local bar for shouting “Small tower ! Small tower on a Castle wall !!”

It is not his fault his has Turrets.

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Why are farmers always getting kicked out of parties?

It's frowned upon to rock out with your cock out.

I got kicked out of Microsoft store ...

I was merely scratching the Surface ...

Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing?

He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a speeding bus!

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I got kicked out of a titty club.

The stripper started yelling at me for using fake money, so I yelled at her for using fake titties.

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

A drunk man was kicked out of the bar.

He is desperately wanting another drink but they won’t allow him back in. He notices two young blokes walking up tot he bar. “Hey you, buy me another drink,” he mumbles.
“Do it yourself,” the two young men laughed.
“I can’t, I was kicked of the bar,” the drunk man exclaimed.
The drunk man w...

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height

They didn’t like my critter sizing

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