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Snicker Jokes

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight

A Snackrifice
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Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...
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If I was a rapper,I would name myself Snickers

Because M&M is already taken.
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A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."
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A beer bottle, a mirror, and ... something else.

The beer bottle is bragging "If you break me, you get a whole year of bad luck!"

"That's pathetic." says the mirror. "If you break me, you get seven whole years of bad luck!"

A condom looks at the beer bottle and the mirror. At first he says nothing. Then he begins to snicker. Then he...
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So, Mars Bars are just nutless Snickers, right?

I guess you could say that they're infertile.
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In bed they call me Snickers...

... Because I always satisfy!
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I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered
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What’s the difference between a left and right snicker?

The left ones don’t taste right
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I am still waiting for Trump to eat a Snickers ...

... so he becomes Obama again

You're not you when you're hungry
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Why is Bruno Mars not called Bruno Snickers?

Because he has no nuts.
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Snickers bars are now being shipped in packaging made from recycled old newspaper comics.

They're packed with Peanuts.
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What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend?

Snickers satisfies.
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Why does Elmer Fudd only let Bug's Bunny eat snickers bars?

Because silly wabbit, twix are for kids!
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In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...
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Very proud to have just finished my 7th Marathon in 7 days

Or Snickers as they are now called
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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.
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A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...
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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Can I serve you today?"

The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears.

A group of philosophy students seated in the corner booth, familiar with Descartes' famous "I think, therefore I am," snicker among themselves. To make the joke work, I could have mentioned t...
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[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...
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Loaded for Bear.

I was hiking with my boyfriend, when suddenly a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us from across a field. Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear in my life!
Luckily I had my derringer hand gun with me, and pulled it out.
My boyfrie...

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...
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So I was at my local store...

So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".

We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "...
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Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
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A young nurse is serving lunch at a retirement home

Her shirt reveals some cleavage, and a small rose tattooed on one breast. One old lady snickers to her friend, "She doesn't know it yet, but by the time she's our age that will be a long-stemmed rose."
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What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle
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I heard a joke about a chocolate bar

It made me snicker
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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...
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There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.
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Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

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A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

Sour Patch Kid Walks into a Support Group

Sour patch kid walks into a support group for separated couples.

He says, "Hello, I'm new, and my name is Barry. My wife, Godiva, and I have been together for 15 years, and have been separated for 2 of those years. She claims my mood swings are 'unbearable' "

Everyone says "Hi Barry ...
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Engineers

[Engineers](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/12/engineers)

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE tick...
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Hey Lou, what's going on?

Trump: "I'm sorry you have the wrong number. Who is this?"

Biden: "It's Joe! What's up Lou?"

Trump: "Joe!?" (Covers phone; turns to advisors) "Sleepy Joe called here, calling me Lou!"*everyone giggles in back ground*

Trump: "Shhhh! Wait wait, quiet! Yeah Joe! Sure, I'm Lou!"*Tru...

New California law makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor.

There's this new law in CA that makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor. People are stealing less than $950 worth of stuff with little to no consequences. It's getting so bad, when I went to buy a Snickers bar, the price tag said $951 dollars.
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This is something my dad told me.

A man was going to meet his girlfriend’s dad, when they started eating dinner his stomach started to hurt and he let a little fart out, no one noticed so he was like “neat” then he let a little more out, then the dad shouted “Rover!”, the man snickered and thought “they think it’s the dog farting” s...

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"NSFW" Peter Paul took Peppermint Patty behind the Powerhouse and stuck his Butterfinger up her Cherry Bing.

She let out a Snicker.Nine Mounds later she had a Baby Ruth.

The kids at middle school are studying WWII...

... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and on...
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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.
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There are 101 nuns on a bus....

They are all going on a trip. The head Mother Superior stand up and faces all the nuns. She says

"There seem to a problem going on in our church"

99 nuns gasp and one snickers.

She then hold up a condom and says
"I had found this in our chapel"

99 nuns g...
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I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers
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A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(snicker) *You don't know?*
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Lil johnny

A salesman rang the door bell and little
Johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said,
"Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. ...
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An old man is sitting at a bus stop

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a kid walks up holding 5 Snickers bars and sits down next to him.

The old man looks over and watches as the kid unwraps and eats the first candy bar. The kid then proceeds to unwrap the next one, and eats it too. Soon, the kid has eaten all 5 Snickers...
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Three engineers and three executives are on a train going to a convention.

The business men each buy three tickets and the engineers buy a single ticket.

The executives start snickering, "how are the three of you going to stay on the train with just one ticket?"

"Watch", says one of the engineers, and the three of them pile into one of the bathrooms.

...
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I was at the store and I asked the clerk to please give me 50 condoms to buy....

I heard two girls snicker behind me so I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, make that 52 condoms.
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Three builders are up on the scaffold one day [long]

They are discussing their lunches. The first builder says ''You know lads, I've been getting the same bloody ham sandwich, every day, for the last 10 years. If my wife makes me ONE MORE ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump right off this scaffold and end it all.''

The second builder says ''ha, t...
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Dave and John walk in a market

Dave stole three Snickers bars and put them in his pocket. He said "I have such quick hands, no one ever caught me. I bet you can't do same". At the cashier desk, John says to the cashier " you wanna see some magic" he says "yeah" . John says bring me 3 Snickers bars. He brought them, John ate them....
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Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...
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Some one told me a chocolate bar joke, it wasn't that funny

So I just snickered.


My 10 year old daughter just told me that one.
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Which confectionary company is the funniest?

The one that produces *Snickers*
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George Washington's portrait.

The American ambassador to England is attending a party thrown by an English noble. Feeling the call of nature, he asks the noble where the bathroom is; the noble snickers suspiciously and directs him down the hall. Upon entering the bathroom the ambassador sees a portrait of George Washington oppos...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy....
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Really annoyed my Wife last week by opening a box of celebrations...

I changed all of the wrappers around.

She really got her Snickers in a Twix!
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Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...
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So a Movie Theatre was robbed

It was discovered that 5 bags of skittles, 10 snickers and 1 bag of Maltesers were stolen. The Theatre representative made a statement that they have lost over 4,500$ in stock was stolen.
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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

The pope dies and goes to heaven

So St. Peter opens the door.

Peter: Yup, who is it?

Pope: It's me. The pope.

Peter: Who?

Pope (incredulous): The pope. Christ's successor in the church.

Peter (sizes him up, snickers): Hold that thought.

He closes the pearly gates and asks for Jesus to come ...
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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

I can't help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars...

*snickers*
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks how he’d like to pay. “You know that I’m running a tab. Sometimes it feels so long, written on the inner edges of my spirit, an itemized list of each moral failing, each successive regression.” The bartender snickers, “You mean your bill?” The duck refrains from weeping.
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A bus full of ugly people crash on the side of the road...

...all of them die.

God, being the gracious being he is, decides to give them all one wish before he lets them into heaven.

Down the line they go:
"I wish I was beautiful."
"I wish I was handsome."
"I wish I was attractive."
....
This goes on for a while.

Finally,...
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I asked my French friend

If she likes to play video games. She replied with “Wii”. *snickers*
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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

What's the appropriate response for seeing someone with chocolate on their face?

"Snickers"
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A black man walks into a corner store with a gun...

He tosses a bag to the man behind the counter and says, "Fill it up with the big ones", the man fills the bag with king-sized snickers and says: "That'll be $10.55, officer."

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