Quip Jokes - 49 Hilarious Quip Jokes

A quip in which the punchline comes before the set-up.

What is a Jeopardy joke?

Why is spider-man so good at making quips??

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

A Math Quip

You couldn't tell an asymptote from a hole in the graph

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

I submitted 10 wordplays to a pun contest hoping one would win best quip...

But no pun in ten did.

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A lady comes home from her doctors appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation....

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

The PI awakens to a creaking door...

A rookie steps into his office with a manilla folder.

"Another murder case?" Quips the private investigator, "Uh-huh" goes the rookie as he slides the folder across the desk.

Upon opening it, the room is filled to the brim with crows.

A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.

The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."

The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"

The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!"

The wife then explains, "It's just that if...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the b...

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

Blind Man Wakes Up in a Hospital

A blind man wakes up in a hospital today, sees doctor. He asks the doctor, "Where am I doctor." Doctor replies, "ICU". Blind mans quips backs, "I know doctor, I'm the blind one!"

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

What do you call trading one joke for another?

Quip pro quo

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"

"just water," the priest replies.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.

The priest lo...

Last week was my birthday...

and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!” with a possible present for me.

No such luck. Barely a good morning, let alone a “Happy birthday”.
I figured…well, that’s marriage for you. Maybe ...

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A guy is lying on his bed naked, watching TV.

His girlfriend walks in and starts smacking him on the ass.
“What are you doing?” he asks her.
“I always wanted to learn to play the bongos,” she quips.
He replies, “Wait, let me roll over and I’ll teach you how to play the flute.”

A cruise magician...

... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, "That box has a hidden floor".

One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris.

They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips ...

There was once an incorrigible punster.

No matter the situation her'd have a groaner ready. One day, served a simple dinner of buns and water, he quipped: "The bun is the lowest form of wheat."

His friends were so tired that they decided to come up with a situation that he could not turn into a pun. They took him to visit an orpha...

A disciple asked, “Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?”

“Yes, son,” the guru quipped, “as long as there are no attachments.”

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

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A student staring off in class...

The teacher said to the student "starring off into space never got anyone far in life." The student quipped "That's what they told Galileo."

A scholar and a fisherman

A scholar is travelling in a small boat with a poor fisherman across a large lake.

The scholar asks the fisherman "did you learn how to read?“

The fisherman replies "no, I have not"

"What a pathetic waste of your life!“ sneered the scholar. "Half your life has been w...

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Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are

As they start to undress, Little Johnny's Dad bursts into the room and starts screaming.

"Little Johnny! Don't do that to your sister! If you're feeling randy, go use the hole in the tree!"

Little Johnny reluctantly agrees as he redresses, leaving his sister to get a lecture on the sub...

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

3 comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the f...

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Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the...

[OC] My wife is always joking...

Whenever she goes out without me she makes the joke that I'm glad to see her go because then my girlfriend can come over.

After awhile we decided that the joke wasn't appropriate anymore and she stopped telling it.

Today she is going out with a friend and asked if I wanted to go. I tol...

A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.

He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'

'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor

Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then anoth...

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Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look At These ...

A Chinese man is standing on a street corner waiting to cross.
An elderly Jewish man walks up to him, and to his face, exclaims: "Go to hell! Go to hell, for what you and you people did to the innocent people at Pearl Harbor!"
The Chinese guy, baffled, replies: "The Japanese bombed Pearl Harb...

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An alligator walks into a bar...

An alligator walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve alligators here."

The alligator is pissed and goes out and puts on a huge hat and trench coat to hide his identity. He comes back in to order a beer.

Bartender sees through the goofy disguise and s...

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Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

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A marine and sailor are at a urinal.

A marine and sailor are at a urinal. The sailor finishes first and starts washing his hands; the marine finishes and starts to walk out. The sailor quips, "Hey Jarhead, don't they teach marines to wash their hands after pissing?" The marine continues walking out the door saying, "Nope. They teach us...

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A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How a...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

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A man desperately needs a restroom

A man out for a night in town gets a sudden, desperate urge to take a dump. He walks to the bathroom but it's full. He runs over to the bartender and desperately questions if there is some sort of special employee restroom he can use.

"Sure. Go upstairs. Take a left."

The man rushes up...

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Got Wood ? (long-ish)

Tommy is born missing an eye. He’s always been self conscious about it and at a young age he gets a wooden eye so that he looks like he has two eyes. Even though the wooden eye makes him look like he has two eyes, he is still very self conscious. He has never been on a date and at the prom, he goes ...

Southern Justice

While traveling in unfamiliar territory, a lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a small town sheriff.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and decides that he can talk his way out of a ticket. After all, he assumes that he must be much better educated than the southern sheriff.

Th...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

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