UPJOKE
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A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" he smirked.

"Great idea!" She replied. "You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

Little boy keeping the shop...

A little boy was keeping his dad's shop while he was away.
There were lots of candies kept in jars for sell. They were known to be so delicious that kids couldn’t resist themselves from buying candies.
One day a passer by asked him, if he was keeping the shop, to which the boy said yes. Seei...

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

Keyboard demon

Greg is sitting at his computer browing his favouriye website and a demon pops out from behind his keyboard and proclaims "for I am the almighty keyboard demon! here to steal all your keys" Greg jumps back out of his seat like a shot!

Taking advantage of this, the demon grabs the keyboard an...

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

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A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

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Doctor, My husband just can’t have enough sex

A married woman goes to her doctors office and starts complaining: “it’s just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can’t take it anymore is there something that I...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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A newly married couple bought two sleeping coach cabin tickets in a train. The journey was on a weekday and not that many people buys sleeping coach

tickets for that route. Once they went inside the cabin, they saw no one was around. They smirked at each other meaning they could make love vigorously during the journey as they were alone. But suddenly, breaking their hopes came an old bearded religious man wearing long white robes.
They began...

I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.

My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering t...

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A king was speaking to a journalist, who was exploring his nation.

Sadly, the king did not speak english, so he used his translator to help him decipher her words.

The Journalist said “I must go and deliver these discoveries I have made.”

The king whispered to his translator, who then said, “The king enjoys your company!”

The journalist said, “...

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

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Help Wanted;

A lumber mill posts a assist wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after s...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a litt...

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

How to get the husband hot and heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.

"I don't know what to do" groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"

"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."

"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"

"We...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

The Law of The Forest

A hunter goes into the woods to go hunting. Suddenly, he hears a bear growling. He then spots it not too far away. He aims his gun at it, shoots, and misses. The bear turns toward the sound of the gunshot, annoyed.

"Mister," said the bear. "Why are you trying to shoot me when I'm out here min...

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

A man walks into a church confessional

He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."

"And I’ll be forgiven?" as...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

A man and his grandson are playing on the front lawn

His grandson sees a worm crawling against the wooden fence and then turns to his grandpa.

"I bet you $5 that I can make that worm fit through a straw"

The grandpa, confused, responds
"I'll take that bet, no way you can fit a worm throw a straw. It's way too limp"

The grandson...

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Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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A man and a woman are on a golf course

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Bef...

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

Farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife went to the annual farmers market auction, and the first auction was breeding bulls.

They went to the first bull that had a poster saying “This bull performed 50 times last year”. The wife, smirking, said to her husband “will you look at that? That’s almost once a week....

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They call me Bill

Three guys are sitting in a bar. An American, Australian and a Russian.

The American wants to show off so he pulls out a revolver and shoots off four bottlecaps without hitting the bottles. He looks at the other two and says: "They call me Bill, Revolver Bill".

Not particularly impres...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

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Three couples go on a camping trip.

On their last day, the men decide they want to go explore a cave, while the women choose to hang out at the campsite.

After a while of exploring the cave, it forked into 3 different paths. The men agree to all follow one path and meet up in an hour to tell the others what they had found.
<...

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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

Three drunk men get into an Uber pool

The **uber** driver realized they were drunk and decided to take advantage of them. He started the car and stopped it again. With a smirk on his face he said "We're here!" The first man paid, said thank you and got out. The second man was impressed that they got there so quickly and gave the man an ...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

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Now we know where little Johnny got it from

When little Johnny was 8 years old, he asked his father if he could have a bb gun. His father looked him in the eyes, and asked him; "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Little Johnny ran to the bathroom to check, only to come back disappointed.

"No sir"

"Well, th...

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

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3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

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Young. Blonde. First class.

A young blonde woman gets on a flight from LA to New York and has a coach seat but goes and sits in the aisle in first class.

The first class flight attendant walks up to her and asks “ma’am may I see your first class ticket please?”

The young blonde woman says... “I don’t need to sho...

For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes

"Wish granted," says the Genie.

"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.

The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.

"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"

The Genie smirks and responds "I sa...

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

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A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

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Black testicles

When I was nursing, a poor old gentleman lying flat on the bed, wearing an oxygen mask asked me “Are my testicles black?”

So I pulled back the covers and raised his gown to take a look.

All seemed normal and I was puzzled as to why they’d be black when he was admitted with a lung prob...

Genie Wish

A couple is playing golf when the man hits a wild shot that shatters the window of a nearby house. The couple head up to the door to apologize and offer to replace the window. To their surprise, a tall, handsome, mustachioed man in a turban answers. Before the couple can speak, the turbaned man says...

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

2021 meets 2020 in a bar on New Year's Eve.

2021: What are you so happy about? You are done in a couple of hours and I'm taking charge.

2020: (Smirking now) I'm happy because they named you 2020WON.

A Frenchman, a Spaniard, an Italian, and an American, were bragging about who was the best lover.

The Frenchman began: "I made love to my wife four times last night, and the next morning she told me I was the greatest lover alive."

The Spaniard follows up: "I made love to my wife six times last night, and the next morning she told me no other man could ever compare to me."

The Ital...

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

A teen walks into a pharmacy

He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”

The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”

The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”

The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”

“Wh...

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I was talking to a friend when she asked “do you wanna see a trick?”

Interested in what it was, I reply “sure, what do you have”

She pulls out a penny and asks “ do you smell anything?” Puzzled for a moment I reply “no, not really” she smirks “you should, it’s a cent.”

She then puts a second penny in front of the first and asks “do you see any fruit?” A...

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

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A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians...

And was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."

The Lone Ranger said, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered ...

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Four buddies are standing around a barbecue...

They are all married and somehow the conversation shifts to how often each of them gets to have sex with their wives.

The first guy looks at his shoes and mutters “my wife only lets me have sex with her on the first Friday on the month.”

The next guy pipes up, “my wife and I have sex ...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its fini...

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

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Guy walks into a bar and sees Hitler

So a guy walks into a bar, and sitting at the bar across from the bartender is Hitler himself. The guy walks up to him and says "Hitler, you're alive? I thought you died a long time ago?"

"Aah, that's just a conspiracy. I've been in hiding, and now I have a new plan. I'm going to kill 6 milli...

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Rabbi and priest are on a plane

When priest turns to rabbi and says "Say, I heard you guys can't eat pork. Is that true?" Rabbi nods: "Yes, it's banned in Torah." "And have you ever tried it?" asks the priest. "Yes" admits the rabbi. "When I was young I wanted to see what's all about and had some pork chops. Priest smirks. "And yo...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

A man sensitive to light walks out of a bar

He quickly rushes back in.

The bartender smirks, "I misjudged you. You must be a heavy drinker."

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

Me: Mom! I moved a thing with my mind

My mom: And what was that honey?

Me: smirks

Also me: my arm

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