What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the vil...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

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What happens when you give Viagra to a politician?

They get taller

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.

Stop blaming politicians

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

What seperates politicians and liars?

The "and"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

What do you call a Russian politician who is first to test their new Corona vaccine?

Alexei Navalni

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted...

Two trustworthy, reliable and good politicians walk down a flight of stairs

Trump says to Putin:

"Also taking the elevator today?"

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

So yesterday I was talking with Bill, my politician friend. Since he's a Republican, I thought I'd go ahead and ask him how Trump managed to become the face of the Republican Party.

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "The Democrats kept beating us, so we figured it was time to play our Trump card."

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

The difference between Russian and American politicians...

They both try to make people's like better. But the Russians have a list of people in mind.

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute

A prostitute is paid to f\*\*k somebody, a politician is paid to f\*\*k everybody

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Politicians are like air freshener

They don’t solve problems. They cover them up.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

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I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

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What do politicians and my gf have in common?

They both are fucking liars (I know this is oddly specific, I’m not ok right now)

One politician says to the other "You're lying!"

The other politician replies "Yes I am but hear me out!"

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

A Mexican politician visits an American politician

A Mexican politician visited his friend that was an American politician, they went to the Americans house, and the Mexican was impressed by the beauty and size of the home, and he asked him,
“My friend how can you afford such a luxurious home?”
Which to the American replies;
“Did you see ...

Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak?

If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:

Which one would be your choice?

And why Trump?

What do you call a politician that doesn't manipulate?

Jobless.



Ba-da tss!

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

Politicians and diapers must be changed often,

and mostly for the same reason...



They're full of sh\*t.

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A priest, a politician, and a janitor are asked what they would do if they won a million dollars

"Why, I would invest it in some refurbishments for our great church, for the glory of God, and give the rest to charity!" says the priest.

"I would invest it in schools because our children need a good education and strong family values!" says the politician.

"If I get a million dollar...

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

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What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

I beat up a politician last night...

Now the damn PETA is on my case about animal abuse.

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Adam told his mother that he wanted to study political science.

Mrs.May: Why?

Adam: I want to be a politician when I grow up so I can help clean up the mess left behind by the others before me.

Mrs May: That's very exciting. Go upstairs now and start by cleaning your own room.

A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while...

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

Four surgeons are talking...

Four surgeons are talking about their favorite types of patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says he prefers to operate on librarians, because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.

The second surgeon says he likes to operate on accountants, because everythin...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

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The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

A kind lawyer, an honest politician and 10 year old me are walking down the street when we all spotted a 5$ bill. Who picked it up?

I did, of course, the other two don't exist!

what's the difference between a politician and a good politician?

a politician is someone who will tell you he is a vegan, while eating a burger.

a good politician waits for you to leave the room before eating it.

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...

He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

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Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

What do Superman and a politician have in common?

They both wear a suit and tie when they pretend to be human.

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

2 politicians and a lawyer fall off a cliff

"Why a lawyer?"
"See, nobody cares about the 2 politicians."

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

The Ginnie and the Politicians [LONG]

There are three politicians, the Chinese, the Russian and the American, they found a Ginnie and the Ginnie says, I can make 3 wishes, and you are three, so one whish for each one, they agree and the Chinese goes first,

Chinese: I want to make my country one of the richest, give me mountains o...

A politician walks into an aquarium...

There he finds a monk looking at a small fish that looks like hipnoticed. The monk is controling its movment with his hand. If he move his hand to the left the fish goes to the left, if he moves his had to the right so the fish does.

Politician: Hey sir, how you do that?

Monk: Strong m...

Apparantly part of a Hong Kong politician's ear was bit off.

I'm glad Mike Tyson is giving his all to these protests

How many U.S. politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: U.S. politicians can't solve anything.

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