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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute

A prostitute is paid to f\*\*k somebody, a politician is paid to f\*\*k everybody

Politicians are like air freshener

They don’t solve problems. They cover them up.

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he fal...

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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What happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting around, doing nothing!

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I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

One politician says to the other "You're lying!"

The other politician replies "Yes I am but hear me out!"

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

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What do politicians and my gf have in common?

They both are fucking liars (I know this is oddly specific, I’m not ok right now)

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

Who's the only politician to never lie?

Justin Tru 'do.

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

What do you call a politician that doesn't manipulate?

Jobless.



Ba-da tss!

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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A priest, a politician, and a janitor are asked what they would do if they won a million dollars

"Why, I would invest it in some refurbishments for our great church, for the glory of God, and give the rest to charity!" says the priest.

"I would invest it in schools because our children need a good education and strong family values!" says the politician.

"If I get a million dollar...

Politicians and diapers must be changed often,

and mostly for the same reason...



They're full of sh\*t.

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

A Mexican politician visits an American politician

A Mexican politician visited his friend that was an American politician, they went to the Americans house, and the Mexican was impressed by the beauty and size of the home, and he asked him,
“My friend how can you afford such a luxurious home?”
Which to the American replies;
“Did you see ...

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

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What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while...

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

what's the difference between a politician and a good politician?

a politician is someone who will tell you he is a vegan, while eating a burger.

a good politician waits for you to leave the room before eating it.

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

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A politician and intestines are surprisingly similar

After all. They both have shit coming out of them

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Why do comedians hate politicians?

They are afraid of the competition.

How do you know a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.

A man parks his car in front of a Government building

The security guard says to him: “You can’t park here. Lots of important politicians work here and are always passing through”
“Thanks, but there’s no need for you to worry. I locked the doors”

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Community Problems

A politician goes to a far-flung village and asks what the problems in the community are.

"There are two problems here, Sir," one of the villagers say. "The first problem is that we have a clinic but no doctor."

Upon hearing this, the politician gets his cellphone and talks to someone....

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day,

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What do Superman and a politician have in common?

They both wear a suit and tie when they pretend to be human.

A politician walks into an aquarium...

There he finds a monk looking at a small fish that looks like hipnoticed. The monk is controling its movment with his hand. If he move his hand to the left the fish goes to the left, if he moves his had to the right so the fish does.

Politician: Hey sir, how you do that?

Monk: Strong m...

The Ginnie and the Politicians [LONG]

There are three politicians, the Chinese, the Russian and the American, they found a Ginnie and the Ginnie says, I can make 3 wishes, and you are three, so one whish for each one, they agree and the Chinese goes first,

Chinese: I want to make my country one of the richest, give me mountains o...

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

Apparantly part of a Hong Kong politician's ear was bit off.

I'm glad Mike Tyson is giving his all to these protests

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

How many U.S. politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: U.S. politicians can't solve anything.

Teacher to politician: "Sir, why are you distributing sweets and celebrating? Your son has failed in the class"

Politician: "In a class of 40 students, 21 failed. So the majority is with my son"

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

A Britisher asks an Indian.

A Britisher asked and Indian

Why no politician in India has tested postive for corona?
while lot of politicians around the world even some of the prime minister's tested postive for corona?

Indian: The Politicians in India meet voters only once in 5 years and strictly follow "Social...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a toilet?

The toilet wont be full of crap forever.

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

President Trump should go on Sesame Street to explain his actions.

It’s important in times of crisis to hold politicians to account

What’s the difference between a rodeo clown and a politician?

The rodeo clown tries to avoid the bull.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

What’s the difference between a politician and a dog?

About 85 million years of evolution.

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

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Why do they call Joe Biden Walking Eagle?

While meeting with leaders of the Native American tribes, Donald Trump overheard them speaking to each other about "Walking Eagle."

Trump pulled one of the leaders aside and asked who "Walking Eagle" was.

"Oh," said the elder, "that's our name for Joe Biden."

Trump scowled. "Wh...

Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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What do politicians and sex workers have in common?

They both get paid to screw you.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

Why do you bury politicians a 100 feet down?

Because deep down they’re really good people.

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What’s the difference

Between a sexual predator and a corrupt politician working for the corporations....







.........nothing but one is in the White house and the other is trying to take his job.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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