What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

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A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

why are politicians so frustrating to argue with?

because they always act on aMotion.

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

After a complicated operation, a politician woke up in a hospital bed

After getting his bearings; he discovered that the curtains were drawn around him. Turning to the nurse he asks "why are the curtains closed, is it night?"

"No", replied the nurse, "It's just there's a fire in the building across the street and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that t...

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

Politicians are like diapers

They both need changing often for the same reason

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What do politicians and sex workers have in common?

They both get paid to screw you.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

To which Hitler replies, "I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."

Surprise the ma...

What do you call someone who takes politicians for a ride?

Power steering

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

An engineer, a rabbi, a priest, a pilot and a politician walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what is this, some kinda joke?”

In US, you make jokes about politicians.

In Russia, politicians makes jokes about you.

Man, it's so cold outside..

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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What happens when you give politicians Viagra?

They get taller.

Why do shoes make such bad politicians?

Because they have soles.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

What do you Call a Reptilian politician?

A *Civil Serpent!*

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What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

There are two rival politicians are in a barbershop getting a haircut

One of the barbers takes out a bottle of cologne, and the first politician takes a whiff, and refuses it, saying that his wife will smell it and think he's been at a brothel.

The second politician laughs, and then he says "Go on, I'm fine with it because *my* wife doesn't know what a brothel ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

It’s only natural that all politicians have a God complex.

They haven’t done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.

Those lying politicians

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer; they crashed near my farm and I buried all of them
One of the policemen asked with shocked ; are you sure they were all dead ?
Farmer ; some of them were scre...

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A politician’s chauffeur ran over a pig while visiting the farmlands.

The politician told the chauffeur to find the owner of the pig and apologize to him and offer him compensation for this accident. So the chauffeur went to look for the farmer who owned the pig. Couple of hours later, the chauffeur returned with lots of goods like eggs, butter, meat and chickens. ...

How many British politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They just keep passing 8 lightbullbs around until they either drop and break them all or the sun comes up.

Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?

They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two—one to change the light bulb and then one to change it back again after he gets elected.

3 politicians are planning a gala

Harry Anand, George Bush, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide that the gala should be a costumed event, but gave difficulty agreeing on the theme.

Eventually, Harry suggests they go as a figure for their heritage whom they respect and admire.

Arnold thinks this is a great idea, and George...

What does a politician tell to his family?

lies

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

If I got $1000 every time I did someone a favor

I could be mistaken for a politician

What title would be given to Jeff Bezos if he were a politician?

Prime Minister

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

an african politician visits an american politician.

Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?

Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.

Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.

Am:...

A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”

Politician: Shh. Just pay it.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “Wha...

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!'

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

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I like my politicians how I like my women

Rich, white, and not afraid to fuck me in the ass

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

How do politicians solve math problems?

They use the Al Gore Rhythm.

Why would nobody like a soda machine as a politician?

Too self-serving

What do you call a hundred politicians at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a big deserted area..

There was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goes to take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. Half & hour minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer s...

A politician had recently committed suicide

"It is a very sad day," the Police Chief said, "and we have ruled that he has committed suicide, via 3 bullets to the head"

How do you know when a politician tells lies?

He moves his lips.

Did you hear about the honest politicians?

That's funny.
Niether did I.

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

Two politicians are debating an issue

The first politician yells “You’re lying!”

The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!”

It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

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Politicians are like soft poops

They move with a light push, leave a stinky mess behind, and require lots of paper to clean up.

A lawyer and a politician are at a hospital

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room. "One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes."

So the three hurry to the man's room. He's in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes o...

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What's the difference between a stand-up comedian and a politician?

One is dumbing it down and the other is just taking a piss....

All the politicians sudnly disapeer

They appear in a empty desert.

They spend the first day looking around.

The second day they call a meeting.

The third day price of sand goes up by 300%.

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A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....

There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them

Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people

Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too

Scout: We are only children and have my w...

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

How do you rob a politician?

You ask for your money back.

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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner.....

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while th...

why do politicians listen to people?

So they know which lies they're supposed to tell

Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:

"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."

And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"

Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"

Gu...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

What’s the difference between a politician laying dead in the road, and a snake laying dead in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

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