UPJOKE
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What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

What's an Honest Politician in a Third World Country?

They take the bribe and then actually do what they promised.

A serbian politician goes to visit a greek politician

Serbian politician looks around greek politician's home amazed. He has a large 5 story house, many pools, a bar with several pool tables, very expensive drinks that date far back, more than 6 sport cars, there's beautiful women all around the house. Serbian is stunned, he asks "Hey friend, let me as...

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb

Three. One to screw it in. One to screw it up. One to screw an intern.

A politician visits a small tribal community

At a town hall meeting, the politician confidently proclaims, "I promise to lower food prices for everyone!" Without missing a beat, the chief shouts, "Oompa!" and the crowd erupts in applause.

Feeling emboldened, the politician continues, "I assure you, affordable healthcare for all!" ...

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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Post Tortoise Politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.




The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'....

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor.

He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family, and creates criminals, then I’m against it!

But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund ne...

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What do a politician, a PR company and a cattle farm have in common?

All produce massive amounts of bullshit

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wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

How are politicians like diapers?

They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

What's the difference between a politician's brain and manure?

Manure can be useful.

What should you tell an English politician who's badly sunburnt?

Aloe, gov'na

What's the difference between a dollar bill and a politician?

One will give you change.

What a similarity between an actor and politician

Everyone knows them for who they pretend to be.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A left leaning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks:
Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

Why did the young frog make a bad politician?

Because he was a tad polarizing.

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

What do a stressed out politician and a dolphin have in common?

Neither wants to be caught in fishnets.

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave''

Politician

I knew a politician who was so crooked, when he died he had to be screwed into the ground

A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, "remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."

The bailiff asks "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

The politician pauses for a moment a...

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

How do you know when a politician is lying?

They move their lips.

whats the difference between a Politician and a Werewolf?

one of them is an inhuman beast who has thrown away their humanity and has no concern or care for the people they hurt.

the other is a werewolf

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

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A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems...

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well,...

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

What's the definition of a politician?

A person whose skin is so thick they can stand upright even without a spine

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians' homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

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What's the difference between a nursery dumpster and a politician?

Politicians are full of shit, even on garbage day.

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them we...

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

They both want your money, but only one of them wants to fuck you.

Mountain Climbing Joke

A politician, 3 doctors, and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt. Everest.
They arrive there and started the long way up the tallest climb on Earth.
It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up.
Half way into the climb, the rope starts to break. <...

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

Lying Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days la...

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician

One has no morals, doesn’t care about the people, and will fuck anyone for money. The other just sells the body for sex.

how do politicians wrap presents?

With lots of red tape

What's a politician's favourite letter?

All those in favour say "I"

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

Being a politicians must be hard work

They’re all taking work home with them, apparently

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

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What's the difference between a bird and a politician?

One shits on people from great heights and the other flies through the air

Why did the politician cross the road?

Because he said he wouldn't

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween. His father speaks to him.

Father: What are you dressed as son?

Boy: I'm a politician dad!

Father: I'm not convinced, son. You haven't said anything controversial yet.

The boy pauses for a few seconds before speaking.

...

Why was the British Politician's Home Invaded?

He forgot to close the Farage.

The Politician, the Oil Baron and the Pilot

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset.

When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an...

Who is Anakin Skywalker’s least favorite politician?

BURNie SANDers.
I made that up like a year ago but if someone else thought of it, too, my apologies!

What's the difference between a fetus in the US and a politician in the US?

The fetus is legally required to become a human being.

What do mythical beasts and honest politicians have in common?

They don't exist.

Why can’t you let a politician on a plane?

They keep trying to destroy the other wing.

What do you call a politician with a clear conscience?

An Alzheimer's patient.

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

What’s the difference between flying pigs and honest politicians?

There actually was a time when Swine Flu.

what's the difference between a politician and a good politician?

a politician is someone who will tell you he is a vegan, while eating a burger.

a good politician waits for you to leave the room before eating it.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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