What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems...

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

A politician visits Haiti after a devastating hurricane.

A politician visited a village in Haiti after a devastating hurricane.

Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his ce...

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

What do you get from a politician with dementia?

The truth

100 Politicians walked into a bar...

nothing gets done.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Why US politicians are banned from plastic surgeries?

Can’t find any tools to cut open their skins

Politicians are like diapers.

You should change them often and for the same reasons. - (not) Mark Twain

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? –

The letter F.

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

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What happens to a politician when he takes viagra?

He gets taller.

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. 2 argue about wether or not the lightbulb exists, and 1 to actually change it

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

How do you brainwash a politician?

Convince him to pay for his brain transplant

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

How do you brain wash a politician?

Give him an enema.

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

What do Politicians & Diapers have in common?

The both have to be changed often & for the same reason...

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

What do you call a half-horse, half-politician creature?

A Senataur

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

Politicians are rushing to Venus.

This after news that the local population absolutely *lives* for hot air.

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

What do you call a Russian politician who is first to test their new Corona vaccine?

Alexei Navalni

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes two.

One to explain how they understand the impact of the light bulb being out, and to tell you how they're putting all their efforts into changing this light bulb, and they're forming a study group to figure out the best way to go about it.

And the other one to screwed into a...

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

Stop blaming politicians

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

What seperates politicians and liars?

The "and"

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

Two trustworthy, reliable and good politicians walk down a flight of stairs

Trump says to Putin:

"Also taking the elevator today?"

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Whats the difference between a politician and a prostitute

A prostitute is paid to f\*\*k somebody, a politician is paid to f\*\*k everybody

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

The difference between Russian and American politicians...

They both try to make people's lives better. But the Russians have a list of people in mind.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Politicians are like air freshener

They don’t solve problems. They cover them up.

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A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

Tried my best to translate an Indian joke

An indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hi...

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I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

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Missed him

A local politician is playing a few rounds of golf with the local vicar.

On the 8th hole, the politician makes what he thinks is a perfect putt, but the ball veers away at the last minute.

“Damn it, missed the bugger!” Said the Politician.

“You really shouldn’t say that,” sai...

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

One politician says to the other "You're lying!"

The other politician replies "Yes I am but hear me out!"

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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

A Mexican politician visits an American politician

A Mexican politician visited his friend that was an American politician, they went to the Americans house, and the Mexican was impressed by the beauty and size of the home, and he asked him,
“My friend how can you afford such a luxurious home?”
Which to the American replies;
“Did you see ...

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

What do you call a politician that doesn't manipulate?

Jobless.



Ba-da tss!

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

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A Therapist said to their Patient: "You're a pathological liar!"

The patient replied: "Well I have always wanted to be a politician".

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant,...

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

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What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

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A priest, a politician, and a janitor are asked what they would do if they won a million dollars

"Why, I would invest it in some refurbishments for our great church, for the glory of God, and give the rest to charity!" says the priest.

"I would invest it in schools because our children need a good education and strong family values!" says the politician.

"If I get a million dollar...

My friend's dad asked what my salary was

I replied "1 million dollars."

He said "Wow! What do you do?"

I said "I tell good lies"

He then said "So you're a politician?"

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

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