Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig ?

The F

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

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What happens when you give Viagra to a politician?

They get taller

Politicians and diapers must be changed often,

and mostly for the same reason...



They're full of sh\*t.

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

Man, remember when we used to have a ton of well-respected politicians that were legitimately looking out for everyone?

Nah neither.

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

A Mexican politician visits an American politician

A Mexican politician visited his friend that was an American politician, they went to the Americans house, and the Mexican was impressed by the beauty and size of the home, and he asked him,
“My friend how can you afford such a luxurious home?”
Which to the American replies;
“Did you see ...

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

A kind lawyer, an honest politician and 10 year old me are walking down the street when we all spotted a 5$ bill. Who picked it up?

I did, of course, the other two don't exist!

what's the difference between a politician and a good politician?

a politician is someone who will tell you he is a vegan, while eating a burger.

a good politician waits for you to leave the room before eating it.

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What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while...

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb.

One to change it and one to change it back.

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

A politician walks into an aquarium...

There he finds a monk looking at a small fish that looks like hipnoticed. The monk is controling its movment with his hand. If he move his hand to the left the fish goes to the left, if he moves his had to the right so the fish does.

Politician: Hey sir, how you do that?

Monk: Strong m...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

What do Superman and a politician have in common?

They both wear a suit and tie when they pretend to be human.

Apparantly part of a Hong Kong politician's ear was bit off.

I'm glad Mike Tyson is giving his all to these protests

The Ginnie and the Politicians [LONG]

There are three politicians, the Chinese, the Russian and the American, they found a Ginnie and the Ginnie says, I can make 3 wishes, and you are three, so one whish for each one, they agree and the Chinese goes first,

Chinese: I want to make my country one of the richest, give me mountains o...

The US military wanted to draft one of three people, an electrician, an engineer, and a politician. All three were asked why they should be able to stay with their families:

The electrician said, “If you draft me, who will work on your vehicles and weapons when they are broken?“

The engineer then followed with, “If you draft me, who will build the vehicles and weapons for the electrician to work on when they are broken?”

The politician then said, with a sl...

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Four Surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

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What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One gets paid to fuck people while the other is considered a criminal.

How many U.S. politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: U.S. politicians can't solve anything.

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

Teacher to politician: "Sir, why are you distributing sweets and celebrating? Your son has failed in the class"

Politician: "In a class of 40 students, 21 failed. So the majority is with my son"

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

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Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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Whats the difference between a politician and a toilet?

The toilet wont be full of crap forever.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

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Scotland recently became the first country to offer free sanitary products to all women.

Makes sense since all their politicians are just self-serving cunts.

What’s the difference between a rodeo clown and a politician?

The rodeo clown tries to avoid the bull.

What’s the difference between a politician and a dog?

About 85 million years of evolution.

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

This happened in my Debate class today as we were discussing politicians...

Student A: I hate politicians. Kill 99% of them and I wouldn’t care. Just don’t touch my man Bernie Sanders.

Student B, immediately, without skipping a BEAT: Oh so does this make Bernie part of the 1%?

Why do you bury politicians a 100 feet down?

Because deep down they’re really good people.

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

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What do politicians and sex workers have in common?

They both get paid to screw you.

The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,

He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,

The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,

The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,

The pope ...

What's the difference between an M9 and a politician?

I don't have an M9 mounted above my fire place

Why do politicians get reelected?

Criminals often return to the scene of the crime.

Who's the idiot now?

In ancient Greek the word “idiot” meant anyone who wasn’t a politician.

Today it's the exact opposite.

why are politicians so frustrating to argue with?

because they always act on aMotion.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

After a complicated operation, a politician woke up in a hospital bed

After getting his bearings; he discovered that the curtains were drawn around him. Turning to the nurse he asks "why are the curtains closed, is it night?"

"No", replied the nurse, "It's just there's a fire in the building across the street and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that t...

What do you call someone who takes politicians for a ride?

Power steering

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

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A cannibal is walking around in a forest

He gets hungry so after a while of searching, he finds a restaurant run by a fellow cannibal. He sits down and looks the menu over, “lost hiker 5$” “fried missionary 15$” “fisherman 10$” and “grilled politician 250$” he asks the owner why the democrat was so expensive to which he replied, “Politicia...

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

What do you call the secretive politicians that try to run for President?

# Candidacies

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”

Politician: Shh. Just pay it.

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

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