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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!

I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!"

I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused ...

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call

She said, "your best years are slipping away from you!

You drink too much.

What are you *doing* with your life...?!?

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that..

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm.

She said she doesnt want to disturb me while I'm at work.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

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I asked my wife wether she would want to try something new in bed tonight

Sex

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?"

The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler.

"Any day," she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

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I asked my girlfriend, I am the only one you have sex with?

She responded, “No, the rest are 9’s and 10’s”

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

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Someone asked me what I thought about constipation

I told them I couldn't give a shit.

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My girlfriend asked me if I smoked after sex.

I said ‘Dunno. I’ve never looked’

I asked my dog what two minus two was...

He said nothing

A man asked God: "what's a million years to you?"

God replied: "to me it's only a minute"

"And what's a million dollars?"

"To me, it's only a cent"

"So... can I have one of your cents?"

"Sure, just give me a minute."

If you asked an electrician to change a fuse, and he does..

He has refused -

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A attractive woman asked "breasts or legs"

I said "I'm interested in feet and anal"

Now I'm not welcome in that KFC restaurant.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

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The maid asked for a raise

[Long]

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : "...

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

A girl enters a superstore and asked a salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

A girl enters a superstore and asked the salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

Salesgirl replied “Yes of course, it’s in family planning on aisle 5”

Thanking her, the girl rushed towards the aisle.

20 mins later:

Salesgirl finds the same girl again in aisle 5. Curious, ...

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I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

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My new girlfriend asked me if my sex playlist was just Wonderwall on repeat

I said maybe

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $6.67? What do you need $15.32 for?

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

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On the sixth day, when God created man, he hesitated, and asked the rooster, "How many penises should I give man?"

The rooster replied, "a cock a dude'll do."

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I asked 100 people what they're Favorite shampoo was!

The most common reply was ''How The Fuck Did You Get In Here!?''

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

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My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

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My doctor asked if I was sexually active.

I answered "I use Reddit" and he put down no.

My mom asked me "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

I don't think she understands how bungie jumping works.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

So, the other day my landlord asked me out on a date.

I mean, they called it "an eviction" but I knew what they meant.

My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday

She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

I asked my friend what it’s like living in China

He said, "I can't complain"

I once asked a Magic 8 Ball why I couldn't get my email

It responded "Outlook not so good."

My 14 year old girl asked me what hairstyle would look good on her

Don’t ever google tips for grooming a teenage girl. I’m now on a list somewhere….

Five years ago today I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to get married.

She said no both times.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards..

And i asked Y not...?

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price. He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said.

'The car's extra' he said.

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

A young boy asked me how come he was an orphan.

I said the reason was not apparent.

A woman once asked me about golden showers.

“Urine over your head,” I replied.

I was at the bank yesterday, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance...

Spent the night in jail for elder abuse for pushing her down.

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a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

The journalist asked, "Excuse me, is it true that quantum computing could spell the end of civilization as we know it?"

The scientist replied:

"Yes ... and no. It's a bit uncertain."

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

I didn't know how to prep my soil for gardening, so I asked Ludacris. He said...

"USE A HOE"

"USE A HOE"

"USE A HOE"

"I SAID TO USE A HOE!!!"

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

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A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian turned around and said “fuck off you won’t bring it back”

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

I asked this german girl for her number

and she just responded with 9999

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.

Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

A mathematician is asked to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the least amount of materials possible.

So he builds a fence around himself and then defines himself as outside.

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

My liberal friend asked me how I consider owning guns as a God given right when noone in the Bible had one ...

I said She was wrong. Paul had epistle ...

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

What did the biology student say when the advisor asked if anyone wanted to be a mortician?

“Over my dead body!”

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

My boss asked me why I left a bucket of fried chicken on his doorstep

I told him I was tendering my resignation

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