Asked Jokes - 150 Hilarious Asked Jokes

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

I asked what LGBTQIA means,

But I never get a straight answer

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

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I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

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A teacher asked...

A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"

Johnny replied, "eggs."

"Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

"Wool."

"Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?"

"Homework."

Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the princ...

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
...

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home

She said I'm on my menstrual cycle, I said that's okay I'll follow you on my Honda

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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?"
"Mountains," replied the Swiss.

God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?"
"Cows," said the Swiss.

God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

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My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

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A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever...

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

I asked God for money

I later found out that God doesn't work that way.
So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

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My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and sa...

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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[NSFW] Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...

My penis

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I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"

Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain

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My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.

as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.

with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 o...

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

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I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic

He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

I asked my boss for a raise.

He said what for?

I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?

I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?"

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

A blond cop pulled over a blond and asked for ID

The blond said, “ What’s ID?”

The blond cop said, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond gave her compact mirror to the blond cop, who said, “I’m sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I would not have pulled you over.”

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "they're right behind you!"

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”

He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”

I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

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Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”

The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”

The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”

The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

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[Blonde][NSFW] The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”

The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym

When she did not show up, I knew we weren’t going to workout.

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

I just asked my husband

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

My 12-year-old son asked his grandfather what the worst thing about old age was...

Grandpa answered:

"It's erectile dysfunction."

My son asked:

"But is it really that bad?"

Grandpa replied:

"Imagine someone trying to play snooker with a rope... it's the same thing..."

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

A female accountant asked her male counterpart “How’s everything going for you?”

He replied “Great! I feel like $100! How about you?”

She replied “Same! I feel like $82!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

My wife asked for a divorce today. Said a was too un-American.

Saw it coming from a kilometer away.

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

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