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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

A SQL query goes to the bar, walks up to two tables

"Can I join you?"

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

After World War II, as part of an exercise in comparative doctrine, three mid-ranking officers were asked...

>"Please give your response, in the context of your wartime service, to an infantryman's query "what happens if we run out of ammunition?".

The British officer gave some nonsense about maintaining a stiff upper lip and leading a singalong.

The German officer explained that he would ...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

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How do you ask someone if they are gay?

You lodge a query.

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

A man walks into a bar with a chicken and a bucket.

The barman looks puzzled and query’s the man as to why he has these items. The man replies that it’s a rare dancing chicken and offers to show the barman in exchange for a free drink. The barman agrees and the man sets the bucket down and places the chicken on top.

The chicken, amazingly, st...

Naval History Lesson

Long ago, when ships sailed the oceans, a captain would fill a box with maps and navigation charts, and other tools necessary for warfare on the high seas. In preparation for battle, he would call to his first mate to bring him his "War Chest".

Once, a merchant ship was captured by surprise ...

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The avid fisherman. NSFW

A man checks into the the office at a fishing lodge in the Scottish highlands. After being given the key to his cabin he asks that he be given a 6 am wakeup call because he wanted to get started as early as possible.

The next morning after a quick breakfast he strides out of his cabin and pas...

An old blind cowboy is making his way to the bar...

Using his cane he feels his way down the street: tap tap tap. He feels his way to the door: tap tap tap. He feels his way inside to the bar: tap tap tap. He feels his way to a stool: tap tap tap.

The gruff old cowboy makes himself comfortable, and upon settling in, asks to the other patrons a...

Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would b...

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An Italian, a Frenchman, a German, and an American sign up for a cooking class.

The instructor of the class has prepared three dishes for the class to cook; Fettuccine Alfredo, Éclair, and Schnitzel. He walks up to the Italian and asks him what he would like his job to be.

"I will be responsible for the creation of the Fettuccine Alfredo."

The instructor allows hi...

Have you heard this one? When a stranger asks you, "What time is it?" Say, "Ten to..."

"Ten to what?" they usually query.

"Tend to your own damn business," then walk off.

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

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