UPJOKE
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Disagree Jokes

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

As long as there are humans, there will always be two sides that disagree with each other.

That is something everyone can agree on.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

I was told I didn't need to narrate every time I make gravy and I disagreed.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I disagree with Donald Trumps policies, we agree one one major and vital thing...

We would both love to fuck his daughter.

Britain just announced that from next year, they will put a cap on new immigrants. I vehemently disagree with this policy.

Immigrants should be allowed to put whatever head dress they prefer.

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

They say everything you read and see is propaganda. I disagree.

And if you don’t, then you’re a communist.

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

When my wife and I disagree about something, we sit down and talk it through like adults...

...and then we agree that she was absolutely right.

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

To the people that say all lives matter, I disagree.

There are people out there that still yell at their servers.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Ladies: They say you shouldn’t date apostrophes - but I disagree.

Sure, they can be possessive but they’re the only one ever findin’ that g-spot.

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

I ate something that disagreed with me...

But I married her anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree

Because after all, we're all on the same side.

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

My ex said I was a “contrarian”

I disagree.

I've heard people say that vegans are gonna save the world. I disagree...

If you want to save the world you should become a cannibal.

If you eat someone you're 100% carbon neutral. Better yet, eat a pilot.

What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh sayer

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

When I disagree on a food, just call me an Inuit

Because I'm having Nunavut

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

I know people say you should eat the rich, but I disagree.

They're probably spoiled anyway.

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

A lot of people disagree with the monarchy

But the Queen is always on the money

Many people say the government is a business, but I disagree.

A business makes people happy for money.

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

Me: Why do women always disagree with men?

Lady: That's not true...

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

Why did Bob disagree with communism?

He thought it was such Bolshevik.

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.

I excepted.

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

I told my wife I was tired of her always disagreeing with me

She said, "I don't always disagree with you."

A man says to his doctor "obesity runs in my family." The doctor disagrees, replying

"The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

One of these days my wife is going to realize I’m always right…

Except for when I disagree with her.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

Little girl/boy: "Mommy, I want to be a [PERSON I DISAGREE WITH] when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it.

He's such a Contrarian.

my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny

I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny

my favourite logical fallacy is the ad hominem

and if you disagree, you're an idiot

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

Any good mechanic will tell you that it's very easy to blow a seal...

However, most zoologists disagree ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree,...

An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.

The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can ...

My friends tell me I’m a contrarian

But I disagree!

Why did the Cannibal logician get a stomach ache?

Someone he ate disagreed with him.

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

Amber Heard just fired her interior decorator...

They disagreed about the color and placement of the stool in the bedroom.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian view a painting.

Just noticed it was my cakeday from a previous post. Decided to come here and share my father's favorite joke.


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must...

what's the difference between a Taco and my wife?

A Taco lets me eat it before it disagrees with me!

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

Farm Boy Billy

Billy moves to the city to find fame and fortune.

Billy can't get a job anywhere and asks someone why no one will hire him and is told it's because country folk are dumb. Billy disagrees but the city guy says "I'll show you" and sticks his hand in front of a wall and says "Punch this".
...

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's £3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't b...

An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.

A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot ...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

I’ve always been told I had no friends

The 12 voices in my head disagree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

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