UPJOKE
dissentdiffercontradictdiscordargueclashopposeagreedisaccordtake issuedisagreementconcuropinionbickerquarrel

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

They say everything you read and see is propaganda. I disagree.

And if you don’t, then you’re a communist.

When my wife and I disagree about something, we sit down and talk it through like adults...

...and then we agree that she was absolutely right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

Amber Heard just fired her interior decorator...

They disagreed about the color and placement of the stool in the bedroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

what's the difference between a Taco and my wife?

A Taco lets me eat it before it disagrees with me!

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

Ladies: They say you shouldn’t date apostrophes - but I disagree.

Sure, they can be possessive but they’re the only one ever findin’ that g-spot.

The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree

Because after all, we're all on the same side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

I've heard people say that vegans are gonna save the world. I disagree...

If you want to save the world you should become a cannibal.

If you eat someone you're 100% carbon neutral. Better yet, eat a pilot.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian view a painting.

Just noticed it was my cakeday from a previous post. Decided to come here and share my father's favorite joke.


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must...

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

To the people that say all lives matter, I disagree.

There are people out there that still yell at their servers.

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

An American soldier was talking to a Russian soldier.

The American says,

"The great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Biden and say, 'Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!' "

The Russian soldier responds,...

I know people say you should eat the rich, but I disagree.

They're probably spoiled anyway.

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.

I excepted.

What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh sayer

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

Horses are so disagreeable

Always neighing votes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

I want to debate! Someone disagree with me!

No.

How do Tyrannosaurus Rexes decide something they disagree on?

A quick game of scissors scissors scissors.

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

Teacher: Ok kids! What are some laws you disagree with?

Kid in the back: What are the laws?!

A lot of people disagree with the monarchy

But the Queen is always on the money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

Old Lady Speeding...

**One night a state cop saw a car riding along at 22 miles per hour. He put on his lights and pulled the car over. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale.**

**The old lady who was driving said “Officer, I don't get why you pulled ...

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

Little girl/boy: "Mommy, I want to be a [PERSON I DISAGREE WITH] when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

A man says to his doctor "obesity runs in my family." The doctor disagrees, replying

"The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs."

Me: Why do women always disagree with men?

Lady: That's not true...

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Husband and Wife are in their car

while driving thru downtown New York City. The conversation circles around to the topic of which century we are in right now. The husband says we are in the 20th century right now but the wife accurately disagrees and tells him that we are indeed in the 21st century as we are in 2021. An argument er...

I told my wife I was tired of her always disagreeing with me

She said, "I don't always disagree with you."

I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it.

He's such a Contrarian.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I disagree with Donald Trumps policies, we agree one one major and vital thing...

We would both love to fuck his daughter.

Why did Bob disagree with communism?

He thought it was such Bolshevik.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

Did you hear about the cannibal with indigestion?

He ate someone who disagreed with him

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

An American diplomat is staying at a hotel in post-USSR Russia

An American diplomat is staying at a hotel in post-USSR Russia. He notices that his room has nothing covering the windows except several metal bars. It looks like a prison window.

Upset with the lack of privacy, he asks the receptionist:

"Why are there no blinds or shades covering the ...

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fat shaming is unacceptable...

...unless you disagree with me politically you fat fuck

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lot of men say women are a pain in the ass.

I disagree.

If there were no women on Earth, the pain in the ass would be even more.

My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number.

I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

"Better late than never."

Chefs disagree when it comes to cooking with thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

A man walks into a doctors office.

The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Everyone's been saying these are "trying times"

I've gotta disagree. I haven't tried at all in 10 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear???

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad thinks this will go viral. I disagree.

What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich?

Disagree-dients

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

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