My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.

I excepted.

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh-sayer.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

How do Tyrannosaurus Rexes decide something they disagree on?

A quick game of scissors scissors scissors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

A lot of people disagree with the monarchy

But the Queen is always on the money

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

People often call me an naysayers

But I disagree

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

Autocorrect might have been invented by history's greatest scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."

A man says to his doctor "obesity runs in my family." The doctor disagrees, replying

"The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs."

Whenever I travel I like to open a window.

The airline strongly disagrees.

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

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A sadist, masochist, arsonist and a murderer are sitting in a park next to each other.

A cat walks by and the murderer's instincts kick in:

"Lets kill the fucking cat!"

The sadist immediately disagrees:

"No lets torture it and THEN kill it!"

Arsonist chimes in:

"No! Come on you guys, lets torture it burn all its fur and THEN kill it!"

The maso...

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

I’ve always been told I had no friends

The 12 voices in my head disagree

You'd think a snail would be quicker without a shell

But i disagree, it would just be a little more sluggish

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, a...

I want to debate! Someone disagree with me!

No.

People say im not suitable to be a politician. I disagree

Im obnoxious and dont listen to people just do my own thing for my own benefit match made in heaven

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news.

The newscaster says that two Brazilian civilians were rescued from terrorists the night prior.

The brunette says, “what wonderful news!”

The blonde disagrees: “I don’t know where they expect to move them to - do you have any idea how many a brazillion is??”

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

Me: Why do women always disagree with men?

Lady: That's not true...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Turns out the parents of that cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Little girl/boy: "Mommy, I want to be a [PERSON I DISAGREE WITH] when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."

I told my wife I was tired of her always disagreeing with me

She said, "I don't always disagree with you."

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes.

A man once asked a wise man.

'What is the secret to eternal happiness?' the man asked.
The wise man replied 'To not argue with fools.'
The man said 'I disagree.'
To which the wise man replied 'Yes, you are right.'

An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.

A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot ...

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

What’s the only way to get American Democrat’s and Republicans to agree on something?

Elect a third party candidate for president. They will agree to disagree with everything he or she does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman...

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it.

He's such a Contrarian.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

I don't think it's any exaggeration to say that hyperbole is the greatest word in the world

I will fight anyone who disagrees with me.

Today in American News

Today in American News:

Red Channel- Black Holes don't exist and any images of them are a government conspiracy and a liberal coup.

Blue Channel- Black Holes exist, they were created by the Russians, they will kill everyone on the planet in 12 years and anyone who disagrees is racist...

What do you call it when the pope disagrees with the Catholic Church?

Inapoperiate behaviour

What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator?

A chronic math debater

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

You should not disagree with my spear

It has a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

Three people are going on a walk.

They come across some tracks. The first person says that they are deer tracks. The second disagrees and says they are moose tracks. The third says the other two are dumb and that they are clearly horse tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit.

My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

Why did Bob disagree with communism?

He thought it was such Bolshevik.

Jim was a cannibal

One day he got into an argument with someone so he killed and ate them.

A few days later he was at the doctor's office with terrible indigestion.

The doctor said "It appears that you ate something that disagreed with you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

Why don't physicists and Bingo players get along?

They disagree on the application and existence of a free space.

Some say you look better when you're younger

But I have to disagree with the Catholic Church.

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.


Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.


"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.


"No, no, Comrade Major, I do ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis...

...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out p...

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is tested by a psychologist for sexual obsession.

The psychologist draws a line and asks the man what it is. "This is a penis," answers the man.

Then the psychologist draws a circle and asks the man the same question. "This is a tit," replies the man.

Finally the psychologist draws a triangle, which the man identifies as a vagina...

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

My ex and I broke up for religious reasons.

She thought she was God and I disagreed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

u/Jayhawk_Dunk reminded me a joke my dad told me

John Shit told his dad he wasn't happy about his name and he wanted to change it. His dad didn't accept it right away but well, he was 22 after all, he was an adult. If he wanted, he could not not disagree.

That day he went to the place to change his name.

*Good afternoon sir, what di...

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

My girlfriend wants prostitution legalized so she can start a Hooker Training Course...

...I told her I disagreed with that school of thot

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

A man goes on a date

A man goes on a blind date, and really starts to like the girl. He makes moves, and they return tipsy to her house, where they talk for hours. The man gets her number, and returns to her house the next night. Days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years and he finally feels ready to marry ...

An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable

I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.

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