I ate something that disagreed with me...

But I married her anyway.

Ladies: They say you shouldn’t date apostrophes - but I disagree.

Sure, they can be possessive but they’re the only one ever findin’ that g-spot.

The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree

Because after all, we're all on the same side.

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

To the people that say all lives matter, I disagree.

There are people out there that still yell at their servers.

I've heard people say that vegans are gonna save the world. I disagree...

If you want to save the world you should become a cannibal.

If you eat someone you're 100% carbon neutral. Better yet, eat a pilot.

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

I know people say you should eat the rich, but I disagree.

They're probably spoiled anyway.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh sayer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

A man walks into a doctors office.

The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”

When I disagree on a food, just call me an Inuit

Because I'm having Nunavut

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

Many people say the government is a business, but I disagree.

A business makes people happy for money.

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

Everyone's been saying these are "trying times"

I've gotta disagree. I haven't tried at all in 10 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lot of men say women are a pain in the ass.

I disagree.

If there were no women on Earth, the pain in the ass would be even more.

My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.

I excepted.

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich?

Disagree-dients

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

Whenever my Dad and I disagree, we settle it with a staring contest.

Then we see eye to eye.

Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

Teacher: Ok kids! What are some laws you disagree with?

Kid in the back: What are the laws?!

An man goes to the ER after swallowing a large magnet.

When asked why, he said, “Well, last night my wife said she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was planning a big surprise tonight when her belly piercing disagreed with her.”

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

A lot of people disagree with the monarchy

But the Queen is always on the money

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says,

“My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

I want to debate! Someone disagree with me!

No.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mutiny on the high seas!

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking across the channel 300 crates of potatoes which were shaped like male appendages, and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

A man says to his doctor "obesity runs in my family." The doctor disagrees, replying

"The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs."

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear???

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad thinks this will go viral. I disagree.

Me: Why do women always disagree with men?

Lady: That's not true...

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

People say im not suitable to be a politician. I disagree

Im obnoxious and dont listen to people just do my own thing for my own benefit match made in heaven

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

So we are doing blonde jokes now?

Two blondes are hiking through the woods hunting when they come across some tracks. The first says they are the largest moose tracks they have ever seen, they should follow them and get a record kill. The second disagrees, saying they are the largest bear tracks they have ever seen and they need t...

When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes.

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

I told my wife I was tired of her always disagreeing with me

She said, "I don't always disagree with you."

Painting

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I disagree with Donald Trumps policies, we agree one one major and vital thing...

We would both love to fuck his daughter.

I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it.

He's such a Contrarian.

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

A friend of mine told me that 'all cops are bad.'

I disagreed with him because I know of many good cops. In fact, the one that comes to mind is this amazing officer, who never broke the law, and always followed the rules.

I know him because I used to buy weed from him. Great guy!

What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator?

A chronic math debater

Why did Bob disagree with communism?

He thought it was such Bolshevik.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

You should not disagree with my spear

It has a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I'm a contrarian

But I disagree



(Brought to you by Paper Mario)

This just in! A recent survey conducted has found some interesting results!

Out of every 10 people surveyed, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

My friends say that I'll never find someone because I always use oxymorons

I disagree. I think I'll never find someone because I'm pretty ugly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

I thought having an skylight would be a good idea

My upstairs neighbors disagree.

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

I’ve always been told I had no friends

The 12 voices in my head disagree

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