UPJOKE
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Cut In Jokes

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of caesars.

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

There was a power cut in town today,

two blondes were stranded on a supermarket escalator for hours.

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If recently got a cut in my anus

It’s a real bum-deal, a total pain in the ass and definitely makes for a shitty situation.

Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows

So yeah I guess I'm bisectual

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:



"I am beside myself right now!"

My wife had a nasty accident and got cut in half...........

sadly l was left with the half that won't shut up

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time."

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis onc...

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While walking down the street, a man sees a hole cut in a wooden privacy fence...

There's a sign hanging above it that reads "COCK GOES HERE." He looks around casually, sidles up to the fence, unzips, and slips his dick in the hole. Almost immediately, something seizes it tightly. He gasps and stands on his tip-toes to be able to look over the fence, where he sees two small boys,...

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