UPJOKE
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Tuck Jokes

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

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A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.

Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?

Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."

Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"

Mom: "Then you'll get more."

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

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A father tucks his 3 year old daughter to bed...

He tells her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, 

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to ...

A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had...

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 4!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

I remember how my mother used to tuck me in when I was little.

She was really disappointed not to have another girl.

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A woman wakes up after a Vaginal Tuck.

On the window sill, she sees three bunches of flowers.

One from her surgeon to say all went well.

One from her husband, "get well soon and I love you."

And one from Tommy in the burns unit, to say,

"Thank you for the new ears."

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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Labial Nip and Tuck

A woman plans a labial nip and tuck surgery to reduce the size of her labia.

The surgery goes perfectly, and when she awakes after her surgery, she sees two large vases of beautiful flowers in her room.

She looks at the card from the first set of flowers. It reads:

“Dear Gina,...

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I always thought Friar Tuck was a religious man.

Now I realise the dirty bastard just likes spoonerisms.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

How do you tuck in a cow?

Bull Sheets

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

I tucked my son into bed...

When I'm about to leave, he looked up at me and said, "Daddy, check for monsters under the bed." Amused, I look underneath for him and see him, another him, shaking under the bed, and he whispers: "Daddy, there's someone on my bed."

Then I grounded the twin because it's a bad joke.

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I think every guy has tucked their genitalia between their legs to pretend they have a vagina.

But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him."

Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

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Husband comes home to his wife, with a duck tucked under his arm.

He says "This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says "That's not a pig, that's a duck" The husband says "I wasn't talkin' ta you."

Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties.

My first use of stripto currency.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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A benefit of Charles III ascension to the throne

Once they change the picture on the money to the new King, Andrew won't have to tuck a picture of his mother into the G-strings of strippers.

*Tucks in shirt*

"Goodnight, shirt."

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

I remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger

in hindsight she made it pretty obvious she wanted a girl.

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A doctor, while on rounds at the hospital, notices an intern looking at him strangely.

The intern says, "Doctor, you have a thermometer tucked behind your ear." The doctor pulled the thermometer from behind his ear, looked at it and exclaimed, "Damn it, some asshole's got my pencil!"

What's the difference between a tuck shop and a truck shop?

****engine noises****

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

Every night my sweet wife tucks our kids into bed.

She is a mother tucker.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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A city slicker buys a farm…

…and walks to his neighbor to buy some farm animals. He tells his neighbor that he wants a rooster and a hen. The neighbor says, “Ok, but we don’t call them that around here, we call a rooster a cock and a hen a pullet.”

He then asks for a donkey but again the neighbor says, “Ok, but we call ...

It's good to be able to tuck it away quickly when needed

It's hard sometimes though

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

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The guys were on a bike tour. ...

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. ...

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

For five years my mother tucked me in at night...

she really wanted a girl

Credit goes to my friend Nick for telling me this one. Hi Nick!

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt.

How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me.

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night...

his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.

He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny f...

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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?

Knighty Knight

What did the squire say to his boss after he tucked him in?

Night knight.

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused....

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A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

I saw a chap dashing though town with what looked like a dolphin tucked under his arm.

I thought to myself, "now there's a guy with a porpoise".

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

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A man arrives at work on Monday morning with two black eyes.

His colleague asks how this happened.

" I was in church on Sunday. The congregation kneeled and when we all got up, the woman in front of me had her dress tucked in to her bum crack. I realised it must be uncomfortable, so I reached forward and pulled it out for her. Then she turned aroun...

What did P say to R?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

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The biker and the dick

A biker is zooming along a country road on a hot Sunday in August.

Suddenly, he feels a hit on his helmet, stops, and realizes he has hit a little bird.

Unsure of what to do, he tucks it under h
is seat to take it home to help it recover.

He places it in the basement in a ...

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...

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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.

"What's up with this?"

"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

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Colonoscopy Prep

My girlfriend is going in to get a colonoscopy tomorrow. She wants me to pick up some large Googly-eyes to make her ass look like a face, then she wants to tuck in a post-it note saying “Psssst: we’ve been wanting to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Never a dull moment here.

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

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Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

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Two guys meet, and one has a black eye...

"What happened?" said the first.

"I was in church last Sunday and when we all got up to receive blessings I saw that the woman standing in front of me had her dress tucked between her butt cheeks. My first reaction was to reach out and pull it out. She turned around and punched me right in th...

A man went to get his umbrellas repaired.

He brought eight umbrellas to the repair shop and came home by bus. He absentmindedly took the umbrella of the woman next to him as he got up to leave and she cried, "STOP! THIEF!". He sheepishly gave it back and got off the bus. A few days later he collected his umbrellas from the repairer and g...

Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

A woman walks into a shop and tells the clerk she's looking for a new bag.

The clerk says "Right this way--we've got a great selection."

The woman picks out a bag, the clerk takes it to the counter and looks it over before saying "Great choice...and a bargain at £50. Very spacious too; you'll be able to fit nearly anything in here."

"Why this wallet fits," th...

Alcoholic

An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "that'll be a dollar"

The guy thinks, "man, that's cheap," but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. "Bartender, I'll have your finest wine" bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. "That...

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

This morning I was hanging out at the local swimming baths...

...and then somebody told me and I tucked it back in again

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

A farmer walks into his bedroom

With a sheep tucked under his arm.

He looks at his wife in the bed and says, "This is the fat pig I sleep with everytime you have a headache."

His wife, aghast, replies, "That's not a pig, that's a sheep!"

Farmer, "I wasn't talking to you!"

A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.

The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse. He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running. A little while later he ret...

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

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A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

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I'm getting older now

I'm getting older now. I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. Nope, just pissed all over myself! For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35.

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