What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants...?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

Fecal implant success rate...

One terd

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Step One. Implant a tiny bomb in your head and prepare the detonation button.

What happens next will blow your mind.

[NSFW] If a woman gets a breast implant at a discount...

Does that make it a clearance rack?

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research....

This means by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants

He just replied "Si"

My blonde friend got breast implants

I used to call her " little Connie", now she's just "Silicone"

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My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

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Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs

No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

What do you call trendy internal prosthetics?

Hip implants

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A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."

"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.

The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toi...

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Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

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How does a magician perform a boob implant?

Breastidigitation

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Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger"

I told as I was taking away his dental implant.

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and sees the angle of death beside her in the ambulance.

"Am I dead?" she asks.
The reaper says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”.

When she wakes up after surgery, she is happy to be alive after that near death experience, and with 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets bre...

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

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Two breast implants were arguing. After very insulting comment the other replied:

”That was so low, now you’re making an ass of yourself.”

OC. Using my time on the train productively. Sorry.

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So there's a woman who wants to get a breast implant...

She talks to her doctor and he says "I have the perfect product for you! We invented a pump that can be inflated by flapping your upper arms. If you want to deflate when you, say, go running, you can deflate them by pushing a button under your arms". She said, "Alright, ill get that".

The su...

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Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid?

It's called a bullet.

Breast implants are like potato chips.

You can't have just one.

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Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make a little money on the side.

Getting breast implants is an experience you'll never forget.

Those mammaries will stay with you forever.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

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What do you call a crack house that sells breast implants?

A booby trap.

Implantable Headphones

The past few years, people have been circulating articles saying that we'll all have to get chip implants under Obamacare. They reference the book of Revelation and say it's the mark of the beast. But I got to thinking; in-ear headphones get annoying and over-ears aren't that portable. So in the fut...

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The Knob

One day Betty, who has had many cosmetic surgeries over the years is visiting her plastic surgeon.

He says, hey, there's a new device I wanted to tell you about. It's called 'the knob'. What it is, is a flat little knob that we'll fit to the back of your head, under your hair. Any time your ...

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Kids don't know how good they have it

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

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