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Captive Jokes

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What do you call a flatulent, captive audience?

Ass-toot observers

A captive trying to escape...

That's such a running gag.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

A tourist in the jungle finds himself the captive of a tribe of cannibals.

They've tied him to a pole. One of the cannibals walks up to the man and asks: "What's your name?"

Tourist: "Why do you want to know my name?"

The cannibal answers: "We need to print the menu."

Two soldiers are held captive by the Taliban

They are told that they are going to be executed the next day. "We are not without compassion" says one of the captors. "We will allow you each one last wish." The first soldier says he has always been the biggest fan of Bryan Adams, and he would like to hear the song 'Everything I do I do it for yo...

Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?

She had a captive audience

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

Brown Pants

During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.

After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner “Sir, we have been wondering why Brit...

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

When I worked as a spy...

I was tasked with capturing someone overseas and bringing them back to MI5 for interrogation. On an overnight layover I took the captive to a local karaoke bar where they sang a surprisingly fantastic version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Honestly, it was an extraordinary rendition!

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

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3 guys wash up onto a beach...

Many days after their plane crashed into the ocean. They are almost immediately aggresively approached by the indigenous population and surrounded. The chief appears and tells them he will let them live if they can pass his test, but first each person must go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of ...

What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages?

It's nice to have a captive audience.

Three guys are shipwrecked on a desert island.

Unfortunately for them, they're quickly taken prisoner by the native cannibal tribe. The cannibal chief comes to the tree where they're tied up and says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we're cannibals, and we're going to kill each of you, eat the meat and use the skin to make a can...

So a Greek, Frenchman and Italian strand on an island

So after a while being stuck they decide to search for food.

Suddenly a tribe comes out of nowhere and took them as captive.

The tribe decided to interrogate them.

So the tribe decides to interrogate the Greek as first, after 1 hour the Greek comes out without feet.

He t...

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Darkest Africa

Two explores were captured by a vicious tribe and sentenced to death. The witch doctor explained that as they weren't savages and to prove it he granted each captive a last wish.

The first explorer requested a sumptuous meal. when the meal was over he was killed,skinned and they used his skin...

You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan. He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle. He’s painting white stripes on blac...

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Magumba

2 jungle explorers are tied after being captured. One native gives them a choice in broken english- " Death or Magumba?" "Well,I say, old chap, Magumba, whatever that is, certainly beats death-" the natives cheer and lift him high in the air, strip him naked and tie him ass up to a log- then, more t...

Three men are shipwrecked...

... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.

The ch...

Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman Joke *Long*

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are traveling through the amazon rainforest. Suddenly they are captured by an indigenous tribe and taken to camp. The chief approaches the three and manages to communicate: “ we kill you, eat your flesh, make tools with bones and canoe with skin! First, we grant a...

Three men survive a plane crash on a strange island

When they gain consciousness, they realize they have been taken captive by a group of cannibals.
The leader of the cannibals tells all three men to go into the forest, pick 1 fruit and bring back 10 of them.
First guy went and came back with oranges and was told by the cannibal leader to shov...

Stranded unfortunately...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

a chicken walks into a bar

A chicken walks into a bar and sits down. As the bartender approaches the chicken, he can see that the chicken's eyes are bloodshot and that the chicken seems to have a nervous shake. The bartender asks the chicken if he's alright, and the chicken says he's fine. So the bartender asks the chicken wh...

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Three stereotypical ethnically diverse explorers are captured by cannibals..

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are out exploring the rainforest but are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them their fate which is to eventually be killed, eaten and their skins turned into canoes. The cannibals, not wishing to appear uncivilised in all this offer each of their captive...

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A pilot crashes while flying over an African jungle...

He survives the crash and is taken captive by tribesmen. He is taken to the chief of the tribe who tells him that the punishment for trespassing in their jungle is death. He says they are a fair tribe and other him a chance of freedom if he completes 3 tasks. The pilot, ecstatic about possibly liv...

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Pineapples

An Englishman, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman were on a ship headed towards the New World. On their journey, they encountered a bad storm, and were shipwrecked. They awoke and found themselves on an island, tied up and captives of a cannibal tribe.

The leader of the cannibals tells them that if ...

A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit are killed in a car crash and go to heaven...

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter ushers them into God's throne room, where they patiently await a routine post-death judgement from Yahweh Himself. God walks into His room, and takes His seat at the throne. He then beckons to the Dominican:
 

*Son of St. Dominic, co...

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3 explorers are ambushed by cannibals...

Fighting valiantly the explorers held their ground longer than expected. Unfortunately they were outnumbered by the cannibalistic tribesman 5 to 1. They were eventually forced to surrender.
Defeated, the explorers were bound together and gagged by the tribesman, who carried off the three men to ...

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