A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...

"Ah, me back."

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

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Beautiful lady

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoo...

Jailhouse humor

A new inmate showed up at the state prison to start serving his fifty year sentence. After getting through the preliminaries with his cellmate, he settles in. After a bit, he hears a shout outside the cell, "Number twelve!", and everybody on the block laughed uproariously. A few minutes later, some ...

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What did the Alabama Sheriff say about the black man that was stabbed seventy times?

Worse case of suicide he's ever seen

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar seventy-five and deer nuts are always under a buck.

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A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

A Jewish girl asks her father for $100 to go shopping.

He says, "Seventy Five dollars? Why would you need Fifty dollars? What are you going to buy with Twenty Five dollars anyway?"

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Loan

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s sta...

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

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Did you hear the one about a guy on a tightrope?

There was this twenty-five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge, while half way around the world another twenty-five year old guy was getting a blowjob from a seventy year old woman. At this exact moment both men were thinking the same thing...

.

.

.
...

The ministry of excessive resource usage called.

Seventy-three times.

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I h...

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his frie...

Man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him ten shots of whiskey. Bartender says, "Wow, are you sure?" Man replies, "If you had what I have, you'd want ten shots, too." He pours the man his shots and the man takes each one. Bartender says, "Okay, you gotta tell me what it is you've got."

The man replies, "Seventy-five cents."

A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep

I said 'Sure, seventy'.

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

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Three Men Are Talking About Aging

A sixty year old, a seventy year old, and an eighty year old man are sitting on a porch discussing the different stages of aging.

"When I wake up in the morning it now takes me 30 minutes to be able to take a piss!" complained the sixty year old.

"That's nothing," responded the sevent...

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Since wife is seven months pregnant,

the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out a fifty dollar bill and gives it to him. “Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens ...

Paid to worry

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying fo...

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Once, a kindergarten boy had to count to five

The class teacher assigned this boy to count to five the next day. When he went home, he asked his mother, who was talking on the phone:

"What is one?"

His mother replied, "be quiet!"

Then he went over to his brother, who was watching cartoons and not paying attention.

He...

A guy goes into a bar...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."

The Number Bar

So, a man moves into a new neighbourhood. On the first night there he decides to go to a bar to try and get to know the local culture. As he walks into the bar a man yells out,

'Seventy-six.'

Every on else in the bar starts to laugh. So the man thinks, 'that's pretty weird', but never...

Guy walks into a bar...

Guy walks into a bar and promptly orders 12 shots of the best whiskey.
As the bartender lines up the shot glasses and fills them, the man hurriedly begins downing each. With only a few shots left, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking down all these in a row buddy?" He answered, "You would be...

A Conference of Blondes

One day, all the blondes in America got fed up about being mocked for their lack of intelligence. Therefore, they decided to hold the first annual "Blondes Are Not Dumb" conference to show the world that they were not actually dumb. To that end, they invited the local professor on stage and selected...

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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

So a guy walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and orders ten of the best top shelf whiskey shots the bartender has to offer. The bartender pours the shots and as soon as he sets them down the guy starts slamming them. The bartender say slow down man and the guy says if you had what I have you would be drinking fast ...

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Hitler is sitting around in Hell...

The Devil finally shows up to torture him and Hitler says, "Geez, it's been like seventy years. What took so long?".
The Devil replies, " Oh, I don't know, some asshole showed up right after he put six million people in line ahead of him."

Aunt Karen

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

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How long will I live doctor?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He ask...

3 men go for an interview

3 men go to an interview for a sales job and the boss calls them all in and says “Whoever goes out and sells the most dictionaries can have the job”.


So the first guy goes out, sells a few dictionaries and comes back.


“How many did you manage to sell?”


With an upbea...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

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A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

“Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.”

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. “Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it see...

A man and his wife have been married for 70 years

One day the man decides to venture into the attic, in the attic he finds a small box with four cloth dolls and one hundred thousand dollars inside. He took the box down to his wife and asked her about the box. She says that when they got married her mother told her to sew a cloth doll whenever she g...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

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A few statistics...

Studies show ¾ths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

Th...

Sevebty-year-old George. ...

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A li...

While we're on the subject of Russian jokes...

Here's one I have heard about the gulag. A little background: many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn't be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number.
Let's call [this joke](http://www.red...

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Old man at the hospital.

An old man comes to the doctor and says:


"I have this whistling sound in my ear after sex!".


The doctor asks: "How old are you?"


"Seventy five"


"Well what do you want?! Applause?!"

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Man bought his wife sexy lingerie for Women's Day...

Seventy-five year old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women’s Day.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvi...

A funny thing happened at the lab

A seventy-four year old medical researcher went to the doctor after having a seeming unexplainable illness that had lasted for several days.

After describing her symptoms, the doctor performed a series of tests and then reached a diagnosis.

The doctor said, "I am not sure how to tell y...

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In the nursing home (mildly NSFW)

An new resident of a nursing home is overly proud of how fit he is for his age. On his first day, wearing his track suit, he goes over to a group of ladies playing bridge, and says, "Guess how old I am, ladies!"

"Um, sixty-five?" one of them says.

"Nope! I'm eighty-two years old!" he...

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