Sixty Jokes - 95 Hilarious Sixty Jokes

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?

‘What’s that?’, he asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As his mind began to embrace the i...

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

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Sixty Years

In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched hi...

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Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into ...

What's sixty-nine times two?

Dinner for four.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know th...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

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There's a young couple that's down on their luck and don't have enough money for rent.

So they talk it over and decide that she'll go and stand on the corner. The first guy that comes up asks how much for sex? and she told him a hundred dollars. He says that he only has forty so she says she'll blow him for that. They go into the alley and when he pulls his pants down she sees he has ...

What has sixty feet, three teeth & seventeen dollars?

The front row at a Insane Clown Posse concert

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A Sixty Year Old Man...

He goes to the doctor, for a check up, and the receptionist mentions he can get a sperm count, on the house.

The doctor says "I don't know, I think you're a little to old to need one."

The old man says "I can get it if I want, the receptionist said it was complimentary."

So the ...

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A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage...

A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage when a fairy godmother appeared and told them that she granted each one a wish. The wife immediately and enthusiastically said that she would like to take a trip around the world with her husband. In her hands came plane tickets and boo...

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SIXTY NINER anybody?

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she'...

Every sixty seconds, in Africa

A minute passes. Together we can stop this.

A couple had been married for sixty years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife remarks, “Just think, sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
"I know,” the old man replies. “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds sixty years ago.” “Well,” says his wife, “Let’s relive ...

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Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that sh...

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I am sixty years old and I have never heard a penis joke!

They're not much disposed to talk, and the little they do have to say is never funny.

When my grandad turned SIXTY, I told him to run a mile a day.

Now he’s 65 and I don’t know where he is.

Why did grandpas birthday only last a minute?

It was his sixty-second birthday

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire.

Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man, "Can you do anything with these?"

The man says, "No problem, come back in two weeks."

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is p...

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Number Sixty Nine

Hong and Lin were Chinese immigrants. They had been married for 20 years and operated a successful Chinese takeout restaurant.

One night they are sleeping when Hong wakes up suddenly and immediately rouses his wife. "Honey, I have a hankering for some number sixty nine!"

"Go back to sl...

Apparently, married women over sixty are "more likely to become furries".

I think it's an old wive's tale

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

A Jewish kid asks his father for sixty dollars.

The father replies "FIFTY DOLLARS??? What the heck to do you need forty dollars for??"

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What's the speed limit for sex?

Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

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I won a competition where you had to make as many Freudian slips as you could in sixty seconds.

It was a race against the cock.

Two old drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about for...

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dar...

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

After learning about Roman Numerals, no wonder they had so many orgies:

...the sixty-nine position took 4 people!

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and the...

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

When you turn 61, the next year feels like it’s only a minute long …

… because it’s your sixty-second year.

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.

It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

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Three Men Are Talking About Aging

A sixty year old, a seventy year old, and an eighty year old man are sitting on a porch discussing the different stages of aging.

"When I wake up in the morning it now takes me 30 minutes to be able to take a piss!" complained the sixty year old.

"That's nothing," responded the sevent...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

Saving Myself

A wealthy, never-been-wed 80-year-old man marries a beautiful 24-year-old blonde. All of his friends agree to meet for breakfast in the same five-star hotel in which he is spending his first wedding night, just to see his reaction.

They expect him to come down for breakfast in the eleva...

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Visiting the brothel

A man who’d lost his wife a while back was tired of being lonely and decided to visit a brothel for some companionship.

The madam sent him upstairs with one of the girls who asked him what he was looking for.

The guy said that he’d been married to the same woman for years and that thei...

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

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60 Second Lover

I think my girlfriend has fucked sixty one people before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover ....

Oversmart

A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable.

So he saunters casually into the store and offer...

The Queen had her COVID vaccination today. It shouldn't be surprising, she's dealt with having a little prick before..

Prince Andrew, sixty years ago.

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

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A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.

After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient.

"Excuse m...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

A man taking on a late night walk when he hears a strange sound coming from an old mental hospital down the road.

As he approaches he realizes he's hearing chanting. He approaches the building and hears "sixty-seven! Sixty-seven! Sixty-seven!" He gets closer to investigate but the fence is too high to see over, though he does spot a small hole in the wood. He leans over to peep in and as soon as he does a finge...

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What's the LGBT community's favorite sex position?

Sixty-*Nouns*

I normally don't watch the Grammy's, they're too long, but this year I'll make an exception.

After all, it is the sixty-second one.

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..

..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.

The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about...

It's appalling that despite advances in Science, the constant media circus has made us insensitive to the fact that every minute...

Sixty seconds pass away

My wife must have had a busy life before we met

She says I'm her sixty second lover.

Shortest birthday celebration?

My sixty-second birthday party.

What's LXIX?

Sixty-nine the hard way

Joe was sentenced to prison for twenty years.

His first night at jail, after lights out, he heard someone say sixty\-one. All two hundred men in the cell block started laughing. Then someone hollered thirty\-nine. The two hundred men cracked up with laughter. Then someone yelled ninety\-six. Once again an uproar of laughter. So Joe asked hi...

If there was a competition for precision...

I'd come sixty seventh.

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Things are not working out with my math teacher girlfriend but she is really good at sex.

I don't know whether to eighty-six her or sixty-nine her.

Did you hear about the circle that graduated college

Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees

Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...

The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"

The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"

When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at ...

Mr. Bean and Einstein are playing a game

"Shall we play a game?" Einstein asked.

Mr. Bean nodded.

"Here are the rules: I will ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I will give you $1000," said Einstein.

"Ok," said Mr. Bean.

"A...

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

When you just know you don't have it!

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to line up seven shots of his finest whiskey. The bartender does so, and proceeds to watch as the man quickly goes down the line, downing each with one gulp.

The bartender says: "Wow, I’ve never seen anyone drink like THAT".

<...

The secret to a long marriage

A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"

"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our hon...

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -

Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"

Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."

Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

A blind man walked into a bar one night...

. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him get to a barstool and get a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word...

An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.

"Well that was disappointing," he said...

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.

Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven.

They’re greeted at the gates by St Peter, who says to them “I’m sorry ladies, but we’re getting very full these days, so you’ll need to answer a question about the bible each to get in.” The nuns agree and he asked the first one “How long have you been a nun?”.

“Only about six months.” She re...

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Paddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the doctor…

The doctor says, "OK, Paddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, then eat normally for a day, then skip a day. Stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then."

A fortnight later, Paddy returns to the doctor, who is amazed to see...

An Old Scottish Couple

Once there was a couple in the far north of Scotland named Angus and Edith. They were married for nearly sixty years until Angus fell ill. Knowing he was not long for this world, Angus told his wife "Edith, when I die, I want nothing special. Just a funeral as simple as can be without any big thing ...

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

A salesman was driving the back roads one day, when he saw the strangest thing...

While driving dusty back roads looking for his next sale, this Salesman noticed a chicken was running along side the road. Now, the guy didn't think much of that, you tend to see chickens in rural communities... but this one was strange. The chicken was keeping up with the car, even though the guy w...

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