UPJOKE
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70 Jokes

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

The Earth's surface is 70% water.

That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

70% of people are stupid

I’m obviously part of the other 40%.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..

The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.

The s...

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Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have g...

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?

A politician.

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

An out of touch radio station dj and a 70’s promoter have a conversation

So I have the greatest progressive rock bands in one line up!

Great! So get on with it, who’s on first?

Yes

Yes is on first?

No

So who’s on first?

That’s right!

What’s right?

What you just said!

Look… if I’m looking at the poster, it alw...

A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.


The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand and right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighb...

A 70 year old man wants to marry a 25 year old woman.

His lawyer is trying to talk him out of it.
After an hour of arguing with his client for the lawyer says, “Do whatever you want, but I warn you, these May/December weddings often end in death!”

That stops the older man for a second. He stops, ponders, and finally says, “Well - If she dies...

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

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What does 70 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

Children are 70% water.

I can walk on children, this means I am 70% Jesus; and 100% in jail.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish

So if you're having difficulty getting something done, it's probably because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Why can't women drive at 70 mph?

At 69, they flip over and blow a rod.

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So the queen has been on the throne for 70 years.

That's some serious shit.

I am 70% lame, 50% ugly

and the remaining % good in maths

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

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A 60 yr old man, 70 yr old and an 80 yr old man were speaking one day about what the worst age to be in is

The 60 yr old says: well age 60 is really bad, I have medical problems and can't pee!

The 70 yr old responds: you think that's bad?! I also have medical problems and can't poop!

The 80 yr old responds to both of them with a smirk: well I can both pee and poop everything single day at 7...

To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

70 ways to cheer a person up

Person 1: I've had a rubbish day

Person 2: Well, it's your lucky day, because I have 70 ways to cheer you up!!

Person 2: Number 1, Give you a big hug.

Person 1: And the others?

Person: 69!

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

I recently lost 70 lbs.

Don't worry though, I found it at McDonald's.

I lost 70 pounds last month

I got mugged in London

There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass

Brittle and full of sand

My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college

His first year and he's already a senior.

All women should be able to do atleast 70 things

69 and leave

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.

All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is. He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatical...

Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"

Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."

"So then why did you...

What's the difference between a 20 year old hooker and a 70 year old hooker?

One uses Vaseline, the other Poligrip.

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I went to see Dr Hook in the 70’s

The worst prostate exam ever

Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

My camouflage is only 70% functional

Ouf

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

70% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their house...

100% of men, kiss their house goodbye, when they leave their wife.

I created a dating site for people over 70.

It's called hot wheels.

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BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid

Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

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70-year-old ass

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life. One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really...

Did you know that I’m around 70% Jesus?

Since Jesus can walk on water and babies are roughly 70% water, and I can walk on babies I am part Jesus m

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There’s an old couple that start dating at 70

After about a month of dating, they decide to get a little freaky.

So they start doing things and the woman says to the man, “you know, it’s been a long time since someone has gone... down there”.

So the man obliges and makes his way down there and after only a short bit he says, “ I...

A 70 year old lady applies to a university

At the interview, the interviewers ask her:

"Why are you applying at such an age?"

and she replied

"Because my husband has always dreamed of sleeping with a student."

A journalist went to Morocco to interview a 70-year married couple

He had heard they never had a fight, and wanted to know their secret for the happy relationship.

"Well," started the man, "on the day of our wedding, after the ceremonies were completed and all the guests left, my bride rode our donkey and I walked beside them to go back home.

"After a...

What do mouthwash and 70 have in common?

They both come after 69

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Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with sex. The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around ...

I went to a Karaoke Bar that didn’t play any 70’s music yesterday.

At first I was afraid... I was petrified

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

I made a 70 on my iq test.

Hey, at least I passed.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

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Why are 70% of all ghosts female?

Cause bitches can't let things go

This lawyer has a $70,000 retainer...

He must care a lot about his teeth!

I've got 70 hobbies.

'69'ing and fishing.

An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man mad...

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

How did 70 Brazilian people die in a plane crash today...

...if the world only has 7 billion?

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My 70 year old grandpa told me this one the other

A native American boy goes up to his father and asks.

"Father how do you come up with our names?"

The father replies "Well the morning your sister was born we looked outside and there was a lark in the grass so we named her Morning Lark"

The boy replies "Okay well how about my ...

70 year old man asked his wife...

Do you feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can’t drive it.

Someone asked an old man "Even after 70 years you still call your wife darling, honey luv. What's the secret?"

The old man replied " I forgot her name and i was too scared to ask her"

A guy is talking to his friend.

He says "I got my IQ tested and got a 70, that makes me a genius. "

Friend says "70 doesn't mean you're a genius. "

Guy says "you sound like that idiot at the testing center."

What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes?

-An alligator.



Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes?



-A retirement home.

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