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80 Jokes

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

The earth is flat.

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

An 80-year-old farmer walks into a bar.

"Remember a few years back when my wife died?" he asks the bartender.

"Yes," the bartender says sadly.

"Well," the farmer continues, "now I am no longer a widower! Yesterday, I married a 21-year-old woman."

The bartender knows that a 21-year-old woman will not be very happy with...

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

Attorney confronts an 80-year-old old man defendant …

… who had been involved in an auto accident.

Atty: So how good would you say your vision is?

Man: Oh pretty good I would say

Atty: Is that so? So how far can you see?

Man: I can see the moon. How far is that?

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

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An 80 year old man goes into a brothel..

Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to ta...

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

A couple in their 80's.....

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

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NSFW Y'all know what 80-year-old pussy tastes like?

Depends

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

I've found one good thing about being 80 years of age.

Every birthday is a surprise birthday.

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An 80 year old man

goes to the prostitutes. He asks "I'd like a blowjob please". He pays and the woman takes him upstairs. He takes his pants off and she goes to work. After 30 minutes she sighs "I've been licking and sucking like crazy, but it's not getting hard". "No" he says, "but it's getting a lot cleaner!"

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

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What did the Gigolo find between his 80 year old clients’ breasts?

Lint in her belly button!

845 pretty much sums up The 80’s

80 + 81 + 82 + 83 + 84 …

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

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An 80-year old couple goes to a sex therapist…

and says they’ve noticed that they aren’t as vigorous in bed as they used to be. The therapist asked when they noticed the problem, and they said “twice last night, and once this morning.”

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An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.

"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.

"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday ...

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!


My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

We have just got a bird of prey that will only move at night to 80’s music…

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

Did you hear about the new food delivery service that features people wearing really tight jeans that were popular in the 80's?

It's called Jor-Dash

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

An 80 year old man married an 18 year old girl

He goes to see his doctor to ask advice on starting a family as he wants an heir, as he had been a playboy all his life and never settled down.

The doctor smiles at his request and says best thing is to get a young lodger. He thanks the doc saying yes she could do with some younger company a...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

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80,000,011 years ago boner.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at a dinosaur boner. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the boner is?"

The guard replies, "He is 80,000,011 years old, and still stiff."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know h...

An 80 yo man is about to get married

His fianceè is only 20 yo and she is gorgeous. A couple of days before weeding, one of his friends gave him a warning:

- You are crazy! She is very young, she will cheat on you right after you get married! Why don't you marry a lady about your age?

He replied:

- I prefer to sha...

What do you get when you cross an 80’s wrestler with a Dry Cleaners?

Laundre the Giant.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I used to do drugs in the 80’s

Now I do them in any temperature.

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Two 80 year old singles were talking about sex.

She asked him how often he had sex. He told her it was infrequently. She asked him, “Is that one word or two?”

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

An 80 year-old man went to the Doctor

He said, "Hey Doc, when I was 25 years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. When I was *50* years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. Now I'm 80," the old man said, "and I can push it down a little bit with both hands". He looked the Doctor straight in the eye and ...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

The other 20% drive Mercedes

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

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New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
...

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How do you get an 80 year old woman to scream "Fuck"?

Get another 80 year old woman to scream "BINGO!"

This 80 years old rich old man marries a young lady

Within a year, she is pregnant.


Nurse at the delivery room is impressed - "how do you do it?"

"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".

Next year, they are back again. Same nurse asks, "how do you do it?"

"You gotta keep that old engine running, you know".<...

What’s red, does 3 flips, and goes 80 miles an hour.

The car I was in a few hours ago.

79 and 80 were in a fight

81

Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years.

That's quite a long period.

I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80...

That's a lot of days.

I was arguing with a guy at a bar who said he was a big rock star in the 80’s

I didn’t believe him, but he was Adamant.

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A 60 yr old man, 70 yr old and an 80 yr old man were speaking one day about what the worst age to be in is

The 60 yr old says: well age 60 is really bad, I have medical problems and can't pee!

The 70 yr old responds: you think that's bad?! I also have medical problems and can't poop!

The 80 yr old responds to both of them with a smirk: well I can both pee and poop everything single day at 7...

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

I think the 80/20 principle applies to many things in life.

For instance, I'm drinking 80% of my recommended monthly intake tonight; therefore there's a 20% chance I'll be attending work this week.

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Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

French person: "80"

"lol blaze it"

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

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As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, sh...

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

What do you call an 80 year old Mexican?

A señor citizen

A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a naked handstand

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She says, “I know you can’t get it up but maybe you can drop it in”

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit...

My wife said it was a huge waist.

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

I lost 80 pounds last week

I simply switched from imperial to metric

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"

Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses.

On Xmas Day she was drinking straight out of the bottle

Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts?

Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s

A happy 80 year old man goes to see his doctor

Doctor: Why are you so happy?

Old Man: My 19 year old wife is pregnant! Can you believe it?!

Doctor: Wow, that great news! You know, I have a story to tell you.

Old Man: Go ahead

Doctor: I once had a friend. He would go hunting every weekend. One day he forgot to bring h...

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

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I've had sex with over 80 women...

I've also had sex with a few under 80 but they just didn't have the experience.

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.

He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.

The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard eve...

Don't know about the happiest country in the world. But there is one country that's 80% unhappy.

Spain.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

An 80-year-old Texas farmer

goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I...

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

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