Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in.

Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. "How ...

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody over forty tells me my generation sucks...

I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

What do you call forty German naysayers from San Francisco?

The San Francisco Forty Neiners

This is the story of a couple who had been happily married for forty years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was mak...

I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.

My wife was in labor for forty seven hours. During that time she was visited by friends, families, neighbours....

So I heard

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What do you call a forty something guy who masturbates all the time?

Married

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What's the difference between a forty-year-old Roman and your average American citizen?

Nothing, they're both XL.

Note: as u/TEFLING_ALONG pointed out, it is a similarity, not a difference. However, I can't seem to change the title :/, sorry.

Note #2: with the help of u/KKlear I was able to formulate the punchline in such a way that the editing of the title was no longer ...

A forty-seven year old woman see an ad for face cream that makes you instantly look ten years younger.

So she buys the cream, uses it and want to test it and see if people think she is her age or not. So she goes out and get food at McDonald's and says to the young cashier.

"Excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"

Surprised by the abrupt question the young man smiles and thinks then...

Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?

Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

Forty years after graduating, four friends from business school decide to have a reunion.

The first three arrive at the same time. As they wait for their fourth friend, they start talking, catching up on the years they missed. All of them have had careers, married, and had children who are themselves having careers.

"My son has been such a successful real estate businessman that h...

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Ma and Pa were rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for?

Ma said for knowing the difference.

What has forty legs and two teeth?

A Klan rally.

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're really nice people.

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Folks ask me why I still miss my wife after forty years.

Well, I’m human — and that bitch is still pretty quick on her feet.

AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days"

"Not in a row or anything, just total."

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any...

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you...

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It was Electrifying

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to ...

What a lousy year. First my grandma died,

And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer.

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

A man goes to the Doctor and says...

"Dr. I think I am half deaf"

The doctor then replied:

"No worries sir, I'll conduct a simple test, repeat after me, eighty-eight."

"Forty-Four"

The inmates in the Riverdale South prison didn't have enough down-time to repeat the same long jokes, so they started giving them numbers.

Every of the seasoned inmates knew the jokes the numbers represented by heart, and it saved on a lot of time telling jokes. The system worked. One day, a new inmate joined, and was flabberghasted when he saw the group of men taking turns shouting numbers. "Number twenty-three!" shouted one guy. The ...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for abou...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

Upon arriving at the pearly gates he sees a great crowd of welcomers and well wishers. It’s a huge party, all for him, with welcome banners, a choir, the whole shebang.

St Peter claps him in the shoulders and says “welcome home at last my long awaited child.”

“I don’t understand, why a...

Some people tell me I have OCD but I don't have it...

The first time I was told was Sunday, 21st March 1999, 4 minutes and 23 seconds past 4 O'Clock.

That's 21/3/1999, 04:04:23

But for the 937th time, I don't have OCD.

If only I had a nickel for every time someone told me I have OCD I'd have forty six dollars and eighty five cents...

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

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A young hooker is working her first night on the streets...

She gets in her first car and drives off. An hour later, the car pulls up again and drops her off. The other girls on the corner ask her how her first trick went.

"Wow! He was a super hot marine, in town on leave for a couple weeks. Such an amazing body. He asked what my prices were. I told h...

Two men are playing golf by an old road...

The two men had played through a few holes when a large funeral procession goes down the road.
The first man takes off his hat and puts it over his chest as the motorcade passes. Afterwards he puts his hat back on.
The second man turns to him and says, “Wow, that was really nice of you!”
T...

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

(NSFW) So me and a couple of my friends agreed to a threesome

And we went at it for forty five minutes, slapping cheeks, swearing, sweating but then I stop and I ask him, “Hey bro, when is she getting here?”

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

The meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back t...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

I quit drinking once.

Toughest forty five minutes of my life.

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I ordered an extra large T-shirt from an online Roman website.

They sent me fucking forty regular.

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day.

One seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?"
The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
His friend said,"That's not bad."


"But you see, two w...

Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that some...

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

Jewish boy needs some cash

A Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars, to which his father replies "forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?".

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Do not leave your car if you're traveling through the countryside in Spain. [PART 1]

I want to tell you guys the story of my trip abroad and why you shouldn't ever leave your car if you see an overturned cart.

My wife and I decided to visit her hometown near Madrid.

While we were traveling the countryside via a rented car, we stumbled upon what appeared to be an overt...

A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter....

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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.

Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throw...

Bush and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.


George W. approached the man and inquired,"Excuse me are you Moses?"

<...

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

Snow Plow

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to fol...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

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A guy picks up a hooker

and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel.
A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs.
He  chases down the hooker and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs".
She replies, "what'd you expect for forty bucks? Lobster?"

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First visit to a brothel (NSFW)

After several years of loneliness a man visits a brothel. He speaks with the madame at the front desk and he says, "It's been years since I've had sex, and I've never been to a place like this before. What can I get for twenty bucks?"

"Hmmm..." says the mistress, "twenty won't get you much i...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."

Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."

Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the ...

Wholesale supermarket

So, the other day my wife texted me, said we were having salad for dinner, and asked me to grab a head of lettuce on my way home from work. I said OK and decide to try the new discount supermarket that opened right off the highway. When I get in, it's clear that this place specializes in wholesale: ...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

After 40 years of marriage . . .

After their wedding, the bride put a hinged box on the bedside table, and told her husband never to open it and check to see what is inside of it. They go about their marriage and the husband obliges.

So forty years passed and the husband impatiently and finally opened the box and found thre...

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went.

She replies, "Great; he said I have the body of a twenty-year-old!

Her husband says, "What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"

She replies, "Your name didn't really come up."

This guy was down on his luck...

He lost his job and was really in debt, so he decided to end it all. He went to a bridge outside town and was ready to jump, when out of the gathering fog he saw a figure coming slowly toward him. It was the ugliest woman he’d ever seen and she was wearing a conical hat.

“Who the hell are yo...

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW

and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:

"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"

"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."

The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room...

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Answer

My fourteen-year-old son and I were lying on our backs on the grass in the park, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”

And this is what I said:

“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re h...

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door...

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both ret...

A man and his wife are driving down a highway...

...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens s...

READ THIS OUT LOUD!

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.


Now please go back to the top, read it again, but only the third...

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Did you hear about the guy who got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra?

He went to his bed for forty wanks.

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