There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.

Radio transcript.


Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a...

A boy is lost at the fair and goes to ask a police officer for help

Boy: "Excuse me, have you seen my dad?"

Officer: "Hm, I don't know. What's he like?"

Boy: "Beer and women"

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

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Dysfunctional Parrot

Jim goes to the pet store, looking to buy a parrot. They’re all pretty expensive except one, which is $20. He asks, “Hm what’s wrong with you?” To his surprise the parrot responds, “Well, I’m a dysfunctional parrot. I have no legs and I can’t fly. But I AM a great companion! I’m fluent in three lang...

Tried translating a joke from Latvian.

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.

"Well, I saw a giraffe."

"What's a giraffe?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like ...

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are running from the police, and so they head into a farmer’s barn down the street

They open the doors and all hop into potato sacks, and wait.

The Police come in, to see the sacks laying on the ground. The Police officer kicks the first bag, and the redhead goes “MEOW MEOW” “Hm. Must be a cat”. He goes to the second sack and kicks it and the brunette goes “Woof Woof” “Hm....

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

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4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships?

AMB.

It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'

I got it for my wife.

A man is heading home from work one day and stops to buy his wife a bottle of wine, as it was their wedding anniversary. As he's heading home from the store, he sees an old native American man walking on the roadside carrying a gas can.

He stops and offers a ride, which the old man gladly ac...

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

Girl, are you an HM move?

'Cause I can't seem to forget about you!

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

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Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the ...

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

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Guy goes into a doctor’s office

Says “Doctor doctor, I keep getting these terrible headaches at night.”

Doctor goes “Hm, tell me, do you masturbate at all?”

Guy says “Well... sometimes, yeah...”

Doctor says “Oh it’s fucking brilliant isn’t it!”

The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,

when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:

\- Come here.

The servant, heads down, obeys.

\- Take off my jacket.

Hands shaking, he obliges.

\- Now... Take off my dress.

Slowly, he does so.

\...

Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,

... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."

[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar

Bartender: What can I get you?

Bear: How about a rum and........ coke?

Bartender: Sure thing, but uh, why the large pause?

Bear: Hm, I don’t know, guess I was just born with them.

The only joke my dad ever tells us

A group of military soldiers finally had a night off after a long and hard time of serving. Their sergeant gathered them all together and laid out some rules. The soldiers were to go out on their horse, drink and have fun at the small village nearby, and return exactly by midnight. The soldiers were...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

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A Jew goes to heaven...

And tells God a Holocaust joke.

God said, "I don't think that's very funny."

To which he replied, "Hm. I guess you had to be there"

Heres one my father likes to tell

A patient is being looked over by his doctor regarding a strange series of pains.



Patient: "...this pain just doesnt make any sense doc...."
Doctor: " hm.. well why dont you go ahead and point to where it hurts."
Patient: "Well thats the thing- look!"

the patient puts...

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Three Men Are Talking About Aging

A sixty year old, a seventy year old, and an eighty year old man are sitting on a porch discussing the different stages of aging.

"When I wake up in the morning it now takes me 30 minutes to be able to take a piss!" complained the sixty year old.

"That's nothing," responded the sevent...

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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW

and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:

"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"

"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."

The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room...

A floating head walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Upon downing the glass, the man's torso suddenly appears.

"Wow this beer sure is amazing!" Says the man."Bring me another!"

So the bartender brings him another drink, and after finishing it, the man's arms appear.

"Fant...

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

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Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

A guy with a pudding on his head walks down the street...

...another guy sees that and asks him why he has a pudding on his head.

Guy with pudding: "Oh it's wednesday, i always do that on wednesdays."
Other guy: "Hm, but today is thursday, sir!?!"
Guy with pudding: "Oh my god, i'm feeling so stupid right now!"

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Well aren't you a handsome fellow!". Thinking he's hearing things, the man ignores it and orders a fine Pilsner beer. After he takes a sip, the pretzels goes again "Hm, Pilsner, a fine choice for a cutie like you". The man then looks at the bartender and as...

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

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A visit to the pope

A man walks into the barber's and says "I don't mind what you do so long as it looks smart, I'm going to see the pope".

"Oh not the pope! He's done nothing for the faith. I went to see him a while ago and he never even appeared. They said he wasn't feeling well. Pathetic if you ask me, lett...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

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Farmer with goat goes to hotel in NYC

Farmer at reception asks: how much does it cost to book one king size room for a night?
Receptionist: $125
Farmer: cool!
Farmer and goat go upstairs fall a sleep.. Next day he goes to checkout..
Farmer: I would like to checkout, please
Receptionist: That would be $185 please...

One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"

God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"

Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"

God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
...

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A man gets home from sex trip in Thailand...

and realizes his penis became green and it hurts badly when he touches it. So he goes to consult a doctor.
Doctor: "Hm, yeah, that's a severe illness you got there. The only way to deal with this is amputation."
The man freaks out, screaming an cursing the doctor for suggesting the unspeakabl...

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A lawyer is sitting on a plane...

...and he notices that there's a blonde woman sitting next to him, looking like she's about to fall asleep. He thinks quickly, *how do I make some money off of this dumb blonde?*

He suddenly has a great idea, and leans over, tapping her on the shoulder. She blinks at him. "Hm? What is it?"...

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar... [OC]

A Spanish pirate walks into a bar, and he appears down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks,

"Aye, what'll ye be havin'?"

"Agua, por favor."

"Hm, whatever floats yer boat, lad."

"...Sí."

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Inception joke

A taxi driver picks up a girl from a club and has to take her home. As the ride was quite long he asks her if she wants to hear a joke. She says yes and he starts:

" One day God sent Saint Peter down to Earth to perform a statistic of how many girls between 15 and 25 years old are still virgi...

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An old lady gets a plastic surgery...

She is glad with the results so much, that she decides to give herself a test.

She goes around town to ask people if they could guess her age. First, she goes in a local McDonald's. She asks the cashier:

- Excuse me, young man. Can you guess how old I am?

- Hmm.. I don't know.. ...

A mayor of a village was on his deathbed...

...standing with his wife beside him. For years he had a strong suspicion that his wife cheated on him, but he wouldn't dare ask.

So with nothing to lose he finally asked:
-Please dear, you know I'm dying, at least have the courtesy to tell me if something happened.
-Ok fine, said the w...

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So these two stoners were walking along....

...when they come across what appears to be a pile of dog shit. This sets off a discussion on the reality of the situation:

Stoner #1: Man, that looks like dog shit.

Stoner #2: I think you're right, dude. It does look like dog shit.

Stoner #1: You might want to smell it man, see...

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A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant...

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant.

Everyone's looking at their menus, when the waiter comes by to get their drink orders. Each orders their drinks, and as the waiter is walking away, the woman notices a spoon in his chest pocket.

*Hm... That's strange* ...

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Gurkhas

The Falklands War had begun. Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas. The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.

"You will need to get your force...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell and there he meets Satan. Satan says "we have three rooms in which people will have to spend eternity, but you get to choose which one".

So the man opens the first door, and he sees people screaming in agony, being burned for all eternity. "Nope, not that one", he...

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An extraterrestrial couple is spending vacations on Earth

They are very curious about human sexuality, so they find a human couple who are willing to exchange partners for one night.

They discretely meet at a secluded place with two rooms. In one room, the male alien unzips his bodysuit and reveals a 16 inch dick. Looking worried, the woman says:...

My dad got me with this one earlier.

"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?" "What?" "ATTSA MY BOAT!"

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

My Pastor told me this one and it really hit home...

Some older people at a nursing home are complaining about getting older. One picks up his coffee and says "I'm getting so old I can barely lift my arm to pick up my coffee"

Someone sitting next to him says, "My cataracts is so bad I can barely see my coffee."

Someone behind them then s...

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The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW)

So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire.

One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, ...

A Guy is Walking Through a Marina

He looks over and sees a Boat with AMB on the prow.

As he's thinking about it....
American ships are called USS...United States Ship
British are called HMS...Her Majesty's Ship

For the life of him he could not place what AMB would stand for.

So he calls down to the gentlem...

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