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Alfred Jokes

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

Batman to Alfred

B: Alfred, why batremote for batTV is not working?

A: Have you changed bateries sir?

B: ...

B: What are eries?

Which of King Alfred's knights invented the round table?

Sir Cumference !

Alfred

I was at a party when a Chinese guy approaches me and asks “ Have you seen my cocaine?”
I said “ Not since he starred in The Dark Knight Rises!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Alfred Hitchcock with an STD?

Alfred Itchcock

Alfred Nobel got rich by selling dynamite

Growth was Explosive

Fillet - o - friend

In 1874, Alfred Packer and his party were caught in a snowstorm in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. When he was finally rescued, the rest of the party was dead. Packer was found to have dined on "fillet of friend". At the murder trial - before Packer was found guilty - the judge reportedly yelled at hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Alfred Hitchcock's favorite film technique?

The crane shot.

Alfred Nobel lived in poverty but soon turned around his fortune and became one of the richest people in world in just a decade ......

Quite an explosive growth I've to say

Alfred Nobel is considered the inventor of dynamite

...because all the others could not be positively identified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 96 year old goes for a physical checkup...

A 96 year old man goes for a physical checkup with his family doctor.

Once he is finished, the doctor looks at the old man and tells him, "Well Alfred, as far as anyone is concerned, you're in top physical shape. You are as healthy as a 50 year old."

"That's great to hear, I feel grea...

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.


One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

Knock knock

Knock knock
Who's there ?
Alfred .
Alfred who ?
Alfred no-bell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (21 y.o.) panics and runs into bathroom

\- Alfred (24) needs new tires

\-Lara (27) now has no pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his mask to his face

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Why did the dynamite explode in the miner's hands?

Alfred had Nobel to warn him.

"Clean this up! I’m not your personal butler!"

At this point batman realized how severe Alfred’s Alzheimer’s has become.

Jesus is watching

A robber breaks into a mansion and hears someone say “Jesus is watching”
He turns around and and sees a bird in a cage.
The robber asks “did you say that?”
The bird replies “yes”
The robber says “for a bird you speak pretty good English”
The bird tells him “I’ve spoken quite a lot”<...

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

My friend told me I have a really bad problem remembering names.

I said, "who do you think I am, Alfred Einstein?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Ghost story (long)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and n...

The gentleman husband called home...

... and the butler picked up.

Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone.

Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone.

H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing?
Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing.

H (Very ...

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