Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

Which of King Alfred's knights invented the round table?

Sir Cumference !

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

Alfred Nobel got rich by selling dynamite

Growth was Explosive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Alfred Hitchcock with an STD?

Alfred Itchcock

Alfred Nobel was a great guy. He was a scientist, engineer, and he created dynamite. He also created the Nobel Prizes.

He was so amazing that he blew everyone away

Batman to Alfred

B: Alfred, why batremote for batTV is not working?

A: Have you changed bateries sir?

B: ...

B: What are eries?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Alfred Hitchcock's favorite film technique?

The crane shot.

Alfred

I was at a party when a Chinese guy approaches me and asks “ Have you seen my cocaine?”
I said “ Not since he starred in The Dark Knight Rises!”

Batman: "Alfred, why do people deny global warming?"

Alfred: "Some men just want to watch the world burn."

BRUCE WAYNE: I won't do it

**ALFRED:** Sir, you have to sing along or it'll look suspicious

**CHOIR:** *Jingle bells...*

**BRUCE: [choking back tears]** ...Batman smells

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

Jesus is watching

A robber breaks into a mansion and hears someone say “Jesus is watching”
He turns around and and sees a bird in a cage.
The robber asks “did you say that?”
The bird replies “yes”
The robber says “for a bird you speak pretty good English”
The bird tells him “I’ve spoken quite a lot”<...

Alfred Nobel is considered the inventor of dynamite

...because all the others could not be positively identified.

Knock knock

Knock knock
Who's there ?
Alfred .
Alfred who ?
Alfred no-bell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. ...

There once lived a tribe called the Fettuccine.

Though to all their efforts, they could never defeat any other tribes. They spent years and years at war, but to no avail. Recently, archaeologists have found why the Fettuccine never won any of their battles.

They were always alfred-o everything.

"Clean this up! I’m not your personal butler!"

At this point batman realized how severe Alfred’s Alzheimer’s has become.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 96 year old goes for a physical checkup...

A 96 year old man goes for a physical checkup with his family doctor.

Once he is finished, the doctor looks at the old man and tells him, "Well Alfred, as far as anyone is concerned, you're in top physical shape. You are as healthy as a 50 year old."

"That's great to hear, I feel grea...

My friend told me I have a really bad problem remembering names.

I said, "who do you think I am, Alfred Einstein?"

The gentleman husband called home...

... and the butler picked up.

Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone.

Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone.

H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing?
Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing.

H (Very ...

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

If Norman Bates was batman's dad..

would Alfred call Bruce, Master Bates?

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