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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A King, a Queen, and a Clown

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.

At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.

The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?...

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Ever...

The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg

but Nefertiti

Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

to protect her crown.

How did the Egyptian Queen seduce the sun god?

She showed him her Nefertitis.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

What kind of bee does the queen bee marry?

A hub-bee, unless shes a major les-bee-an

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Abbariginal"

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

Cross rail train line is officially being called the Elizabeth line in honour of the queen

And the shared fact it’ll take 90 years to build and cost the taxpayer billions

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

Queen : Come to bed

King : Not until i have a name for my army


Queen : K night


King : Babe your a genius

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

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(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

What do you call Lady Gaga if she ever becomes Queen?

Lady O. Gaga

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

What do you call the guy who gave Freddie Mercury an std

He’s a killer queen

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

What happens when the Queen burps?

She issues a royal pardon.

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The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

I was in Australia last month and saw a guy on the street playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo...

It was very ABBA-riginal!

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

Why do queens always carry scepters?

Everyone has to work scept her

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

What did the first time gambler say to the dealer after being dealt an ace and a queen?

"I don't know how you know my name, but address me by the color of my skin again and we're gonna have problems."

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey

The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?

Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for ...

An American, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are about to skydive

The American grabs his parachute and before he jumps, he yells "God Bless America!"

The Englishman grabs his parachute and before he jumps, he yells "God Save the Queen!"

The Mexican is about to grab his parachute when all of a sudden the Texan pushes him off the plane. The Texan then ...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.

Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts? They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”

The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrie...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy?

Royal-Tea

The Queen gets older...

As she grew older, the Queen became rather flatulent. One day, she was receiving foreign ambassadors when she was unable to stop herself from loudly breaking wind. Immediately, the quick-witted French ambassador stepped forward, made an elegant bow and very gallantly said: “I beg Your Majesty’s apol...

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Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

A guitarist goes undercover in an ant nest

A worker ant recognizes the secret agent and shouts "That person over there is not a worker, that is Queen!"

He was trialed for conspiracy.

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A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."

The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"

The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

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Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar

The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."

What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

What's the queen's favourite type of weather?

Reign.

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be King."

She replied: " Two inches less and you'd be a queen."

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

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Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:’ Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on’
Donald:’ I rule the USA, what does that make me’
Queen:”that’s a country,...

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President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

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