In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

What Is It Called When A Princess Matress Kills A Queen Matress?

Matricide.

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

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When the king and queen come to visit

Little Jonny is in class and the teacher says the king and queen will visit the school the next day. To make sure noone interrupts them they make signals. Raise 1 finger means you have to pee. Raise 2 fingers means you have to shit.

#

So the next day the king and queen visit the schoo...

How do you get a one-armed beauty queen out of a tree?

Wave at her.

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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What do you call Queen Bees that won't have sex with the male drone bees?

Les-Bees!

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper

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Donald Trump phones the Queen to ask for advice.

Donald Trump phones The Queen, and he says to her:

“Since we are living through such troubled times I thought it might be good to give the country a point to rally and unite behind. So, as I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it sho...

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools?

The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall?

She's a ruler.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground.

A daisy duke if you will.

Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water...

but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.

Why did no one laugh when queen farted at the dinner table?

Because noble gasses cause no reaction

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

If I was a Drag Queen

My name would be Lola Bido.

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"


The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"



They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"



Amer...

I was on my way to work the other day and i passed a busker playing 'Dancing Queen' on the didgeridoo.

I thought to myself 'thats Abbariginal'...

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret.

She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

Queen's birthday celebrations are cancelled for the first time.

In 100 years she will remember it and laugh

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

What do you call a cat who's been living with the queen?

An Aristocat.

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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The King had a promiscuous wife...

He did not trust her with his life, but custom dictated that he remained with her until the end of time.
One day came a call for war. The king and his soldiers suited up to face the enemy, but there remained one thing he had to do. To ensure that the queen wouldn't go whoring about in his absenc...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

What happened when Sir Lancelot met Arthur's queen, Guinevere?

He Camelot.

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

Places where the Queen overrules the king's are

1. Chessboard

2. Home

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for years

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

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It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity...

That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.

It’s always been my dream to change my names to prized and be so famous and loved that I get knighted by the queen.

But if all that actually happened I’d be sir prized

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"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

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A king is about to go on a journey...

...and he gathers his knights. He informs them that he is leaving seven men to guard his queen. He tells these seven knights Ive given my queen a chastity belt. When I return the man who didnt try to sleep with her will be my trusted general and advisor. Upon the kings return he gathers the seven an...

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Limerick, with credit to my favorite Drag Queen, Lily White

There once was a man from Nantucket

He saw a pig and wanted to fuck it

The pig said "I'm queer

but not from the rear,"

"come around to the front and I'll suck it."

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

A story of the late Queen Mother.

She was visiting an aged care facility and was chatting with another older lady who obviously didn’t know who she was talking to...

The QM asked “Do you know who I am dear?”

The older lady just smiled and said “Go and ask that nurse over there. She knows all our names...”

A King, a Queen, and a Clown

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.

At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.

The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?...

The young queen of France was getting her clothes washed.

One of the maids called on the other slightly deaf maid to come down and help her wash the clothes.

"Hey, can you help me? There is a stain on The Majesties pants!"

"Come again?"

"Probably!"

An English kid and Russian kid were examining a beehive together.

English kid: See that one? We call that the Queen because it is the leader of the hive, just like the Queen is the leader of our country.

Russian kid: We call it the czar.

English kid: Well that’s a little bee czar.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

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The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

One day on a diplomatic visit to England, Donald Trump asked the Queen Elizabeth...

...”Your highness, how do you get such intelligent people to be part of your parliment?” The queen replies “I ask them one simple question that reveals if they are worthy enough to be a political leader, here, let me show you.” The queen summons Boris Johnson into the room and asks him “Boris, answe...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

I’m not prince barstool tired...

I’m not Queen deck chair tired

I’m sofa king tired

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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

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Did you know the queen of England has the largest breasts in the world?

She has teacups

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

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Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when th...

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Slank you my king, slank you

**Disclaimer**: *This one is from my high school days and I thought I'll share it here. Hope the translation do justice.*

The king was very aware that his queen was sleeping around with most of his ministers when he was away. He decided to punish every minister who had an affair with his wife...

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

The queen wanted to go to bed, but the king was trying to think of a name for his soldiers and wouldn't go to bed before he came up with one.

Queen: K night.

King: Babe you're a genius!

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

to protect her crown.

What kind of bee does the queen bee marry?

A hub-bee, unless shes a major les-bee-an

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg

but Nefertiti

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

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