I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during a dinner and all the other guests have to pretend nothing happened

Noble gases are supposed to have no reaction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

Why don't people react to the Queen's farts?

Because they're noble gases.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen

It has a very high mercury content.

The Queen gets older...

As she grew older, the Queen became rather flatulent. One day, she was receiving foreign ambassadors when she was unable to stop herself from loudly breaking wind. Immediately, the quick-witted French ambassador stepped forward, made an elegant bow and very gallantly said: “I beg Your Majesty’s apol...

What does a queen do when she burps?

Issues a royal pardon!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."

The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"

The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

What’s it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut.

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar

The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.

Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts? They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”

The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrie...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy?

Royal-Tea

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Queen Victoria say when she orgasmed for the first time?

We have arrived

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris

What's the queen's favourite type of weather?

Reign.

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

If you like her, treat her like a queen.

Capture her quickly and confine her to an 8 by 8 space.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying, "You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her nak...

Why does Queen Elizabeth’s toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it’s got a royal flush.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:’ Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on’
Donald:’ I rule the USA, what does that make me’
Queen:”that’s a country,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was an old king and queen (LONG)

There was once a King and Queen who lived happily together in their kingdom -- but every time the king would go off to fight in a war the Queen would cheat on him with the Royal Guards.

The King went to his Royal Wizard and asked "Wizard, I think that the Queen has been unfaithful. How will I...

King, Queen and King's best friend.

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen) in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days, open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] King Arthur and Queen Guinevere

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him ...

DRAG QUEEN NAME

Came up with a great drag queen name :
Jenna Talia

Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush

\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

What's a Queen's favorite drink?

Royal-tea

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."






Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump is on the phone with Queen Elizabeth II

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;

"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Russian homo who’s been knighted by the Queen?

Sergei

Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It’s called clean-ya-teefah!

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Did you hear about the balancing beauty queen?

She was pretty on the ball.

What was David Beckham told after he was granted an honourific title by the Queen?

Man, you knighted!

What's Queen Jocasta's favorite juice-based beverage?

Sonny D

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of the court jesters wanted to suck the Queen's breasts.

So he asked king's minister for advice. The minister was ready to tell him a way but wanted 50 gold coins in return. Been promised, the minister told him to put itching powder in the Queen's bra.
The next day, the queen started to itch uncontrollably. The king asked the minister for advice, who ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

Every party should start with the Queen to take a dump.

The royal flush is higher than the full house.

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...

They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage., waving at the crowd. Suddenly on of the horses let’s out a big fart.

Queen: “So sorry...”

Pope: “Oh! If you hadn’t mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.”

The Queen tried to have the ocean arrested...

"Sea's him!"

Why does Queen Latifah hate dyslexics?

She doesn't like being called Queef Latinah

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

What did the stud bee give the queen bee?

BEEZ NUTZ

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viv...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

What is a Queens favorite kind of weather?

Reign!

(Long) Queen Guinevere is going for a late night carriage ride...

... when suddenly bandits attack her carriage. As King Arthur is not here, they kill the driver, kick her out and make off with the carriage itself. In her frustration she exclaims, "Oh, what a night!"


Seeing as there's nothing else to do, she begins to walk towards the castle. However, o...

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

What's the Queen's favorite Prince song?

Purple Reign.

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

Roses are red, The Queen wears a crown...

...Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!

What do you call a German queen who refuses to listen to Mozart?

Queen of the Nein.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

There were three guys who decided they would bring gifts to the queen. The first guy brought a sack of apples, the second guy brought a sack of oranges, and the third guy brought a bomb.

On their way there, the plane started crashing down, so the first guy lands with his parachute and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of apples fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.

The second guy lands and sees thi...

The other day I found a little dog in Queens

It looked like it was starving and cold so I decided to take it home

It was a tiny little puppy and was filthy so I couldn’t really tell what kind of dog it was and decided to ask around

I first went to my friend from the Bronx

He said “that’s not a dog just one of those baby ra...