What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

How do you address the queen of cows?

Your moojesty.

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

Why does the Queen have to fart?

So there's air to the throne.

The queen goes to a military camp

The men show her around and present her a bunch of sniper rifles. She looks through them and says.

This is all nice but I think a simple car crash will do.

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

What do you call after the queen has used the toilet?

A Royal Flush

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne 69 years ago today. When asked for comment, Boris Johnson replied,

"Nice."

As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop

Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are

Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.

You're a blizzard Dairy.

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

My friend asked if I would ever date the queen of rock, Tina

I was like hell yeah! I’d never Turner down!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

What is a welfare queen?

You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross the Queen with a porn set?

Fuckingham Palace.

Why are british people so good at chess?

Their queen never dies.

Insect Fact #473: When a bee hive gets ready to release new queens to fly off and start new hives, the worker bees do a little waggle dance before sending them on their way.

Sort of an Apis Milfera-well.

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

What did 007 say about the Queens legs

God Shave the Queen

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

“Balls!” Said the Queen.

“If I had two I’d be king!”

“Nuts!” Said the Prince. “I’ve got them and I’m not.”

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

The Audacity!

A man is looking at himself in the mirror and he likes what he sees, “Half an inch more and I’d be king.”
The mirror coughs discreetly, “Half an inch less and you’re a queen.”

What Is It Called When A Princess Matress Kills A Queen Matress?

Matricide.

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

Tragedy in the Finger Kingdom occurred today.

Most of the Royal Family was murdered. The King, the Queen, and both of their daughters were killed during a Royal Feast.

Investigators were able to find and arrest the culprit quickly. Apparently, he didn't get rid of the Finger Prince.

Why did no one laugh when queen farted at the dinner table?

Because noble gasses cause no reaction

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump phones the Queen to ask for advice.

Donald Trump phones The Queen, and he says to her:

“Since we are living through such troubled times I thought it might be good to give the country a point to rally and unite behind. So, as I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools?

The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.

Why is England the wettest country?

Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time in a kingdom

Once upon a time in a kingdom, there lived a queen who was a tramp(had multiple sexual partners all the time). The king was frustrated by this but couldn't do anything because she was extremely beautiful. One day the king had to leave for war but he knew that his wife would have sex with a lot of me...

Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall?

She's a ruler.

Sir Vex

the queen's favorite knight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

Why are Fire Trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the...

It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground.

A daisy duke if you will.

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

What happened when Sir Lancelot met Arthur's queen, Guinevere?

He Camelot.

A joke I heard when I was a boy

It’s my Cake Day, so go easy on me if you’ve heard some rendition of this...

The king was leaving to go off to war and had a special chastity belt made for the queen. If a man tried to enter the queen while he was away, the belt would automatically cut off his member.

The king came bac...

Queen's birthday celebrations are cancelled for the first time.

In 100 years she will remember it and laugh

How do you get a one-armed beauty queen out of a tree?

Wave at her.

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

I was on my way to work the other day and i passed a busker playing 'Dancing Queen' on the didgeridoo.

I thought to myself 'thats Abbariginal'...

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret.

She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.

I always figured I would grow to be a drag show performer/drag queen

because my mom tucked me in every night at bedtime * grow UP to be a drag queen

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

Places where the Queen overrules the king's are

1. Chessboard

2. Home

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

What do you call a cat who's been living with the queen?

An Aristocat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

What do you call a Queen's vision?

Her Highness

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"


The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"



They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"



Amer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman finds a Genie lamp and brings it home...

She decides to polish it and rubs it with a cloth.

*POOF!* a Genie appears

Genie: "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you three wishes. What will they be?"

Old woman, shocked: "Eh...Um.. Err. I GOT IT! Make me a young and rich queen!"

Genie snaps his fingers and she turns...

The jester and the king

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jeste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity...

That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

It’s always been my dream to change my names to prized and be so famous and loved that I get knighted by the queen.

But if all that actually happened I’d be sir prized

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.