Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

Why did the QUEEN go to the dentist?

To get her teeth crowned!

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

Ten of my friends said queen copied vanilla ice. I said they were wrong. All of my friends stared at me to prove it.

I was really under pressure

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

What do you get if you cross The Queen and The Donald?

You get murdered in a prison cell.

Cross rail train line is officially being called the Elizabeth line in honour of the queen

And the shared fact it’ll take 90 years to build and cost the taxpayer billions

My doctor advised me not to listen to queen...

...because of high levels of Mercury.

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

A legless crossdresser?

Drag Queen

Queen : Come to bed

King : Not until i have a name for my army


Queen : K night


King : Babe your a genius

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

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(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

I was in Australia last month and saw a guy on the street playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo...

It was very ABBA-riginal!

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

What happens when the Queen burps?

She issues a royal pardon.

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

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A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

Why do queens always carry scepters?

Everyone has to work scept her

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The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

What did the first time gambler say to the dealer after being dealt an ace and a queen?

"I don't know how you know my name, but address me by the color of my skin again and we're gonna have problems."

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

The Queen gets older...

As she grew older, the Queen became rather flatulent. One day, she was receiving foreign ambassadors when she was unable to stop herself from loudly breaking wind. Immediately, the quick-witted French ambassador stepped forward, made an elegant bow and very gallantly said: “I beg Your Majesty’s apol...

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

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Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

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A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."

The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"

The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.

Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts? They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”

The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrie...

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy?

Royal-Tea

A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar

The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

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Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

One day the queen wanted a haircut.

No barber in England would do it.

Why?

God shave the Queen.

What's the queen's favourite type of weather?

Reign.

A drag queen walks into a bar...

He said to the bartender:"I want to eat, drink, and be Mary."

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What did Queen Victoria say when she orgasmed for the first time?

We have arrived

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President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

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Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:’ Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on’
Donald:’ I rule the USA, what does that make me’
Queen:”that’s a country,...

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Trump is on the phone with Queen Elizabeth II

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;

"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it...

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

My doctor banned me from listening to my Queen albums...

...due to their high Mercury content.

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The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viv...

If you like her, treat her like a queen.

Capture her quickly and confine her to an 8 by 8 space.

DRAG QUEEN NAME

Came up with a great drag queen name :
Jenna Talia

Why does Queen Elizabeth’s toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it’s got a royal flush.

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There once was an old king and queen (LONG)

There was once a King and Queen who lived happily together in their kingdom -- but every time the king would go off to fight in a war the Queen would cheat on him with the Royal Guards.

The King went to his Royal Wizard and asked "Wizard, I think that the Queen has been unfaithful. How will I...

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What do you call a Russian homo who’s been knighted by the Queen?

Sergei

Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It’s called clean-ya-teefah!

What's a Queen's favorite drink?

Royal-tea

King, Queen and King's best friend.

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen) in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days, open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound ...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

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