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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

Why does the Queen have more mobility in chess than the king?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor

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A king suspected his queen of infidelity

Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. She was pretty promiscuous and he suspected her of sleeping around. So he devised a plan. When she was sleeping, he planted a knife in her privates. He then went hunting for a week. When he came back, he told all his courtiers to strip down. Everyone ha...

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

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When the Queen takes a majestic shit...

Does she follow it with a royal flush?

What’s the queen of England favorite Minecraft item?

Totem of undying

What Did the King say When the Queen Gifted him a Fool for his Birthday

"I've no use for one of these... But it was a nice jester"

My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen

I heard she was a massive DMX fan

With Phillip gone, the UK is already making plans for when the Queen passes as well.

They'll toss a soldier off the cliffs of Dover and she'll return at full strength.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

How do you address the queen of cows?

Your moojesty.

The queen goes to a military camp

The men show her around and present her a bunch of sniper rifles. She looks through them and says.

This is all nice but I think a simple car crash will do.

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.

After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

I feel bad for the queen

Gotta be hard losing your husband and cousin on the same day

Why did the queen go to the dentist?

She had severe gingivitis.

Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms.

I thought they weren't open till Monday!

Why does the Dairy Queen have small fries?

Because the Burger King forgets to wrap his Whopper!

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

My housemate keeps playing the same Queen song over and over again

All we hear is Radio Ga Ga!

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Why does Indiana Jones hate drag queens?

They're booby traps

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

Why does the Queen have to fart?

So there's air to the throne.

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Why did the queen know the pawn would keep its promise?

Because it can’t go back

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

With spring around the corner, Queen Elizabeth decided that the palace needed a bit of fresh air.

Unfortunately, Prince Phillip began wafting out of a second story window

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop

Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are

Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne 69 years ago today. When asked for comment, Boris Johnson replied,

"Nice."

Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.

You're a blizzard Dairy.

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a ...

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

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Allison was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of her, boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Allison, how about Reese Witherspoon?"

"No dramas boss, Reese and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Allison and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Reese Witherspoon's door, and Reese Witherspoo shouts,

"Allison! W...

What is a welfare queen?

You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you

My friend asked if I would ever date the queen of rock, Tina

I was like hell yeah! I’d never Turner down!

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

The Queen had her COVID vaccination today. It shouldn't be surprising, she's dealt with having a little prick before..

Prince Andrew, sixty years ago.

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

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What do you get when you cross the Queen with a porn set?

Fuckingham Palace.

An Englishman, Frenchman, American and Mexican are on a plane…

Plane starts going down and the pilot yells “we need to cast off weight to make a landing but there is only one parachute!”

So the Brit decides to be valiant and be the first to jump. “God save the Queen!” and he jumps out.

The Frenchman follows suit: “Vive le France!” and out he goes....

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

What did 007 say about the Queens legs

God Shave the Queen

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was having a horrible birthday.

Since he was a very important person, many famous people came to his birthday party. Henry was upset because people kept pretending they were choking to see what he would do. The Queen ate some birthday cake, grabbed her throat, and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was fak...

Do you know why firetrucks are red?

Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.

4+8=12

There are 12 inches in a ruler

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler

There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth

Ships sail on seas

Seas have fish

Fish have fins

People from Finland are Finns

Finlan...

Ants are nature's biggest simps

Millions follow their queen when she uses OnlyPheromones.

Last week, I discovered a colony of black ants in my kitchen.

They live in a crack in my kitchen wall.

This kitchen is in the apartment flat I'm renting by myself.

I've counted a total of seven ants crawling out of the crack, and there's presumably one queen inside too.

I know there's a queen because just yesterday, one male ant was gone, ...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

There are two forms of English

The queen's English and spelling mistakes

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When the king and queen come to visit

Little Jonny is in class and the teacher says the king and queen will visit the school the next day. To make sure noone interrupts them they make signals. Raise 1 finger means you have to pee. Raise 2 fingers means you have to shit.

#

So the next day the king and queen visit the schoo...

“Balls!” Said the Queen.

“If I had two I’d be king!”

“Nuts!” Said the Prince. “I’ve got them and I’m not.”

My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes

To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”
To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

What Is It Called When A Princess Matress Kills A Queen Matress?

Matricide.

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Donald Trump phones the Queen to ask for advice.

Donald Trump phones The Queen, and he says to her:

“Since we are living through such troubled times I thought it might be good to give the country a point to rally and unite behind. So, as I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it sho...

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?

Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction

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There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools?

The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall?

She's a ruler.

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground.

A daisy duke if you will.

What happened when Sir Lancelot met Arthur's queen, Guinevere?

He Camelot.

How do you get a one-armed beauty queen out of a tree?

Wave at her.

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

Why is England the wettest country?

Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

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Bored King and the jester

Old joke, not sure if it translates well into English..


King was bored out of his mind. He summoned his court jester and said, “Why am I paying you? I am bored and you haven’t cracked a good joke in years. If you want to keep your job, do something crazy tomorrow. Your explanation for wha...

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