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Birmingham Jokes

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

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A front desk attendant at Delta is beginning to board passengers for a flight from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama...

As he is taking the tickets from the passengers and allowing them board, he notices one man still standing at the window, looking at the plane. Once everyone else has walked down the passageway towards the jet, the attendant walks over to the man and asks if he is supposed to be on the plane.
...

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

since we live in Birmingham, I thought it would be a good idea to learn how to play home sweet Alabama on my guitar and play it for my sister.

She wasn't impressed, but our kids loved it!

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

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As my flight touched down in Birmingham AL the pilot said to adjust our watches for the local time.

How the fuck am I supposed to adjust my watch back to 1950

The other day I took my lovely wife/sister and our 2 children out to see the chimps at the birmingham zoo, but there was so much hurling of feces.

So the monkeys started throwing it back.

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Did you see the guy in Birmingham, Alabama trying to fuck a clock?

He heard time was relative.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

Went all the way to Birmingham yesterday to pick up a bike that used to belong to the woman who played Lydia in Beetlejuice.

Turns out the guy on the phone had said “one owner/rider”

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

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A visit to the pope

A man walks into the barber's and says "I don't mind what you do so long as it looks smart, I'm going to see the pope".

"Oh not the pope! He's done nothing for the faith. I went to see him a while ago and he never even appeared. They said he wasn't feeling well. Pathetic if you ask me, lett...

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Father and son from Utah, both avid fishermen, finally decide to visit the British Isles

So they have a beer in London, bag of crisps in Birmingham, they enjoy a slice of the famous Chevington cheese in Newcastle, and as they slowly traveled Northward, they both get the urge to go fishing in the famous Scottish Lochs.

And so it came to pass, that in Glasgow, they bought a o...

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3 Men with stutters go to see a speech therapist to help them with their stutters and after a few months of therapy that isn't going very well one day the therapist thinks of a solution...

...the therapist then turns around to them and says "right, if you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering...I'll give each of you a blowjob, right here, right now!

she then steps up to the first man and asks him, "where were you born?"

the first man says "B B B B B B B Bir...

Roadkill on M42

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeare...

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How bout a limerick?

There once were two girls from Birmingham.

I know a story concerning 'em.

They lifted the frock

And diddled the cock

Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.



But the bishop was nobody's fool.

He gone to a fine public school.

He lowered his brit...

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her nipples.... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her panties..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”

So he drives her to Bir...

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She recieved a g...

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