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Puncture Jokes

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" while we were having sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

Recession has got so bad , I have a friend who used to live in a spare tyre ….

Then he got a puncture, now he lives in a flat

Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car?

He retired.

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, and El Chapo are on a punctured hot air balloon that's quickly going down.

In order to slow their descent, they decide to throw stuff out of the basket in which they're riding.

El Chapo throws several bricks of cocaine over the side and says, "Don't worry, I've got tons of this stuff back in my country."

Following suit, Kim Jong Un throws over several bottles...

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

Three explorers get abducted by cannibals

While on an excursion on the amazon river deep in the jungle three explorers are surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought before the tribal leader.

He looks at the first and says, "we're going to dine on your flesh, we're going to use your bones to make tools, an...

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A man is on his way home of a very long drive.

Every day he has a very long and slalomy ride to do but today near the start of his drive all of a sudden his rear-left tyre got punctured and he has to stop.
On the side of the road he finds a dirty strange object that's pulsating. He checks it out and a genie comes out.

"I'M THE GENIE A...

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3 blind men…

3 blind men were playing soccer and suddenly one of them kicks the ball into the window of a brothel. one of the blind men walks up to the brothel and a lady opens the door. he asks for their soccer ball so the lady took out her left boob and asked him if this is what he is looking for. he told her ...

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

Beggar

I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre. I punctured it . Now he is staying in a flat.

Guy goes on a tour at a condom factory.

He is amazed at how the latex is poured into a mold and cooled. Thousands of condoms are being made every minute! But he starts to notice that every 20th condom gets punctured. He asks the guide about it. Guide replies: “we also own a baby bottle company.”

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Little Bugger

The man at the bar looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up, Bob?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bugger's got our next-door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed...

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Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What s...

Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.

Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.

After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...

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Four college students partied hard one night.....

...and woke up late the next day, the day of their finals, so they went to their principal and apologized saying they visited an orphanage and on their way back their car's tire got punctured and they had to push it all the way back home......

The principal thought of giving them a second cha...

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

Jim and Bob are hiking through the woods, and Jim goes off the trail to take a leak.

He suprises a rattlesnake, who strikes at once, and bites him on the pecker. Jim yells over to Bob, who goes into action, and gets a local park ranger on cell phone. Bob tells the story and asks the ranger, "What do I do?"

The ranger says, "You have to try to suck the poison out of the two ...

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Inflatable boy

There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inf...

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3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

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