UPJOKE
trenchabandondrainagechuckdumpdigholewaterirrigationmoatexcavationforsakedesolatedesertexcavate

Ditch Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

Pull

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" A...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.

Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"

Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"

Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"


Source: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irish men are digging a ditch.

Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other "why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse." The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on...

A drunk spots a preacher sitting next to a wrecked car in a ditch,

So the drunk pulls over and asks the preacher, "are you ok?", the preacher replied " Yes my son, I'm fine, God was riding with me', and the drunk responded, "Preacher, you better let God ride with me, you're gonna kill him".

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, ...

What did Batman’s friends say when he ditched them

Christian Bailed

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.

Driver “Maybe not, but you ain’t out of the ditch yet either!“

The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is....

Kanye West

Three workers digging a ditch

Bob and John are in the ditch digging and Bill is standing above them supervising. Bob says to John, "How come we're down here doing all the work and Bill is just watching us and getting paid more than we are?" John says, "I don't know, why don't you ask him?" Bob says, "That's just what I'm going t...

A sports car is driving in Amish country.

He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

What's it called when Batman ditches church?

Christian bail.

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

A man is driving down an old dirt road

As he is driving he notices there are very few houses nearby, as he is enjoying the scenery he runs his car over into the ditch. As it had recently rained the ditch was slick and muddy and he had found himself stuck. He realizes his predicament so he starts walking. He walks up to a house and see's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couple of men are digging a ditch

When one of them finally gripes to the other and says "Why we have to dig this ditch when the Billy over there does nothing all day." The second man says "yeah, that's bullshit, I'm gonna go talk to Billy.". So he goes to Billy and says "Why do we have to dig this ditch all day while you stand aro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch

She screamed until she was blue in the hand.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

98% of Canadians say "Oh shit!" on a slippery before going into the ditch.

*The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: "Hold my beer and watch this!"*

Merry christmas!

**Don't drink and drive this holiday.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have the balls to ditch my girlfriend.

Good thing I'm having the transplant tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

A jumbo jet ditches into the caribbean

It was plane sailing from then on

The general and the truck

The brigade is moving for the exercise, and the general’s jeep has left camp last and is speeding to catch up the long column of trucks. After a bend in the road they come across one of their trucks, stopped with a wheel in the ditch. The general tells his driver to stop and jumps out to berate the ...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?

Phil

What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

I was caught after ditching a cab without paying...

I was charged with Taxi Evasion.

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should see a therapist...

Had my grandma known how much money I saved on her funeral, she’d be spinning in her ditch

A man is driving down a country road

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the hors...

Rhett saves Scarlett

One Sunday morning, Scarlett O'Hara, a devout catholic, is on her way to church services on her horse and buggy. A bee flies by and stings the horse on the nose. The horse rears up, bucks a few times, breaks loose from the reins and gallops down the lane. The buggy gets tossed and rolls over to the ...

A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A regular always comes to a bar

He's so familiar with the place, that he only lifts one finger up and the bartender knows he wants a whiskey. He does this one day, lifts his finger and gets his whiskey. He walks out of the bar wasted and falls down in the ditch. A homosexual that saw the whole situations goes and has his way with ...

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]TIL the new iPhone ditches the finger print scanner to minimize bezels, instead using facial recognition for authentication.

I can't think of anyone willing to let me jack off on their face every time I need to open my phone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team?

He didn't make the cut.

Do you know the definition of ignorance?

Two guys digging a ditch were doing their ditch digging thing, when one of them looks over at the supervisor sitting under a tree in the shade. The one guy says to the other, "Man, it isn't fair for us to be working so hard in the hot sun, while Mr. Supervisor is sitting doing nothing on the shade....

Two detectives were trying to solve a murder

They found a dead body dumped in a ditch. Next to the body was a concrete block with blood on it. The detectives took the concrete block to run some tests on it.

Detective 1 said, “The blood matches the victim, and it seems like all fingerprints were wiped! This evidence is useless!”.
...

What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair bound?

A crippling depression

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

George Washington's Cherry Tree

A man approaches his son and asks, "Did you push our outhouse into the ditch yesterday?"

The boy replies "No, father; I didn't push the outhouse into the ditch."

The man says "Did I ever tell you about George Washington, a great American hero? When George Washington was a child, he g...

Sales

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house qui...

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.

"Left arm - found in ditch"

"Left leg - found in ditch"

~~"Head - found in bulavard~~

~~"Head - found in boulavard~~...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic

During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch. Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up.
The lawyer says, "Are you okay?"
The badly rattled doctor replies, "Yes, I think so. I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."
The l...

[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief?

Ding dong ditch.

A farmer was in court being questioned by a lawyer.

The lawyer asks the farmer ‘did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer replies ‘well I was crossing the road when the semi...’

The lawyer cuts him off and says ‘it’s a yes or no question. Did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer again starts to say ‘well I wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing at the gate to heaven. ..

When st. Peter approaches. He looks at the fIrst man and says "alright then, what brings you to heavens door?" The first man clinches his fist and through gritted teeth begins "I had just started a new job in a new town after leaving everything to marry the "love of my life". Well I'm driving home f...

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

1: Knock Knock! 2: Who's There?

\[5 seconds of silence\]

2: Oh it's a ding dong ditch(ding dong dash).

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't."
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

A man was driving around back roads and gets lost

The man stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg. “How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig squeale...

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you ...

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

During a police chase a man left a car in an embankment at the side of the road

The police say he ditched it.

Sugar

A donkey fell into a ditch filled with sugar








Now that's a sweet ass

Thorbeaux and Dreaux

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and...

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?

A disaster would be if Donald Trump fell into a ditch.

A tragedy would be if someone pulled him out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

What's Intelligence?

Joe and his buddy Jim are digging a ditch, while their foreman sits on a lawn chair in the shade, drinking lemonade. It's a hot day, and Joe starts wondering why the foreman isn't doing any of the work. "Hey Jim?" he asks. "How come we're down here digging the ditch, and the boss is up there, drinki...

The Great Whitfield County Mishap

A redneck sheriff in Whitfield County, Georgia comes upon an accident. The car is totaled, the driver has been decapitated, and his head is lying in on the side of the boulevard.

The sheriff gets out his notepad to document the accident. After detailing the rest of the scene, he gets to the h...

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

A man and his girlfriend were dancing in a club

The man gets thirsty and decides to go and find a drink. He tries the bar but the line is really long and he wants to get back to his girlfriend. He decides that the water cooler might be a better option but when he gets there the line is also really long. He is getting worried about his girlfriend ...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia State Trooper

A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.

First he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: “k-a-r in d-i-c-h.” He pauses, thinks to himself, “that doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker walks into a bar demanding 2 beers...

he takes the first one, gargles and spit it back in the glass, then starts spitting on the ground. This goes on for about 10 minutes, till the barkeeper asks him "Buddy are you ok?". "Yeah" he replied "I just drove my truck in a ditch and some european asshole with his Audi A6 came along asking me i...

Dumping garbage

The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'...

The lone Ranger and Tonto

The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " ...

A redneck cop comes upon a traffic accident...

He sees that the driver has been torn apart and strewn across the highway. He proceeds to take down his report.

"Arm... On in the ditch..." <starts writing> "A... R... M... In the D... I... T... C... H..."

Walks a bit further...

"Torso... T... O... R... S... O... ...

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

Not for you

A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Angle

This prostitute is working the street when a John pulls up and lets her in the car. After sex, she tells him "That was great. What are we gonna name the baby?"

The guy panics and tosses her another $100 on the condition she forgets all about him. Seeing that she may have discovered a new ang...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.