Cant Jokes

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

Why cant you open a piano ?

because the keys are inside

I cant think any good chemistry jokes

All of them "Argon".

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct. Thought that was obvious

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

I cant recollect names of any African countries..

Kenya?

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Why cant priests be music teachers?

They're always playing in a relative minor.

Why cant you trust atoms?

They make up everything

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You cant spell advertisements without

Semen between the tits

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Why cant you tell a Kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they take things, Literally

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

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I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

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I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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.
.
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Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

You know why you cant fart in an Apple store ?

Because they dont have windows.

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

what can the coronavirus do that the US government cant?

stop school shootings



this was a bit dark..

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

Why blind people cant eat fish?

Because its SEA FOOD

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Why cant you make sex jokes on Reddit?

Because nobody here gets it.

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3 guys are hanging out

Friend 1: My wifes so stupid she spent $12,000 on a kitchen and she cant even cook

Friend 2:My wife's so stupid she spent $40,000 on a car and she cant even drive

Friend 3: My wife's so stupid she took 100 condoms on a business trip but she doesn't even have a dick

Why Cant Americans take a 9/11 joke?

cause it flies right by their heads...

There are three types of people in this world .

Those who can count and those who cant

Life is like a game of chess

I cant play chess

How do i rub one out in my pants?

its a subtle art and i cant seem to grasp it

Dogs cant operate an MRI machine

but cat scan

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

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How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

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Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano, but you cant tuna fish.

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court?

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted "couldnt","Wouldnt","Didnt", "cant!"

The doctor said, Dont worry, they are just contractions

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A Redneck Letter...

Dear son,

Im writing this slow because i know you cant read fast. we dont live where we did when you left home.your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. i wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here to...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone?

Because you just cant beat it.



I'm sorry

Why cant the pony sing?

Thats because it was a little horse

A Haiku

I have been trying,

To write a haiku for you.

Some things i just cant do!

Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you called a crow that cant find his way?

A lost caws

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

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Johnny does the alphabet

Little johnny is in class and the teacher is going through the alphabet a letter at a time. She starts with the letter “A” and all the students eagerly put their hands up to say a word that begins with the letter A. Including Johnny. The teacher knows better, she knows if she picks johnnyhe is gon...

What do you call a cow that cant produce milk?

Milk dud

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?

Boo-meringue

You know when you're so drunk you cant get your key in the ignition?

Yeah the cop didn't get it either.

What do you call boxers that cant last in the ring?

Briefs.

Whats the difference between Jack and Jill?

I cant Jill off onto your face.

Why cant cows do weed?

The steaks would be too high

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

I cant spell armegedon.

Oh well it's not the end of the world.

Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

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Why cant dinosaurs clap?

Because they're fucking dead.

What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?

Nothing, it cant come when you call it anyways

Why cant orphans play base ball?

Because they dont know here home is

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A doctor has sex with one of his patients

He feels guilty all day and no matter how hard he tries he just cant get it out of his mind. This feeling of guilt and sense of betrayal was so overwhelming that he couldn't even go to sleep.

Finally he heard a reassuring voice inside his own head. It told him "Don't worry about it. These th...

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

A sink cant open a door

Let that sink in

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I was fucking my secretary up her arse and my wife walked in.

She said "You cant do this to me!" I said "I know... that's why i'm doing it to her."

What is yellow and cant swim?

A bus full of children

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I started a group for people who cant ejaculate

But nobody came

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”
Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

4 Things i cant stand

1. STUPID PEOPLE
2. THOSE WHO CANT COUNT
3. LISTS

Sure, white people cant say they "N" word

but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

Why are vegans always nice

cause they cant have beef

A blind man goes to the same.restaurant every night for dinner

Each night he asks the waiter "what's the next special on the list and he orders that except if it's fish he says no
After months of this the waiter asks,
"you never order fish how come?".
"I cant eat fish says the man it's see food"..

I cant believe people think the moon landing is real...

It's still in the sky. How could it have landed?

Why cant a bicycle stand on his own?

Bc he’s two tired

I cant stand when people make 9/11 jokes

really, though, they are just plane wrong.

A man was traveling through the desert on his camel

The sun was shining hot and unforgiving and the man was sweating immensly.

"oh i cant bear this sun, its so hot"

Suddenly a guy on a bicycle drives past him with insane speed. The man on the camel is shocked and suprised how the man can drive so fast in this heat.

After an hour...

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wea...

Yum yum!

So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys" which to me sounded a bit obvious.

I cant remember the last time I ate a monkey...

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

A boy goes to his father and says dad i have a crush

The father says well great who is it?
The boy says it's our neighbours daughter from across the street
The father goes ooh sorry bud but you can't date that one don't tell your mother but shes actually your sister.
A few days later the some comes back and says father i have another crush...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Why cant skunks keep secrets?

Someone's always catching wind of them...

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Why cant you hear pterodactyl's pee?

Cause they fucking dead, stupid.

what do you call a chameleon who cant change his colours anymore?

Areptile dysfunction

Hey girl do you know whats the difference between a gigabyte and a terabyte?

I cant gigabyte out of your ass

Where cant someone tell a joke ?

Funerals and weddings

Funerals because laughing at dead people is wrong.

Weddings because losing a friend is a tradegy.

Two parents are arguing about whose child is the most stupid.

"Mine is very stupid", says the first one. "And to show you what I mean: Hey son, take this dollar and go buy my a piano! You saw him! He's going!"

"Nah... mine is even more stupid" replies the second one. "Hey son, go to the cafeteria to check if I'm there. Check him out!! He left."

L...

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?

No trespassing

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

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A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

I ate some food earlier but cant remember what it was..

There was a piece of food stuck in molars and I managed to get it out.



Problem is, I cant remember what it was, but I have it at the tip of my tongue.

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...

So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farm...

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

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