Cant Jokes

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

Words cant describe how beautiful you are....

but numbers can, 1/10.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a snake that cant have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

what do you call a can opener that cant open cans

a can't opener

What do you call a furry that cant hear?

Def Leopard

Why cant the US kill COVID

It doesn’t attend school

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

Why cant people from alabama have any viable offspring?

They're all relatively screwed.

Why cant you open a piano ?

because the keys are inside

What to do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, and you cant Curium, then you may as well Barium.

Who came first? The chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because eggs cant cum.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camero...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct. Thought that was obvious

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

I cant recollect names of any African countries..

Kenya?

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Why cant you tell a Kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they take things, Literally

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

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You cant spell advertisements without

Semen between the tits

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

Why cant you trust atoms?

They make up everything

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

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I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

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I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

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What kind of button cant unbutton?

A belly button

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

What's the one thing snipers cant tell their wives ?

I missed you this morning.

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Why cant you make sex jokes on Reddit?

Because nobody here gets it.

You know why you cant fart in an Apple store ?

Because they dont have windows.

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Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

Why Cant Americans take a 9/11 joke?

cause it flies right by their heads...

Why cant the motorcycle stand up by itself?

Because it's two tired

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly cant bird

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How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

Why blind people cant eat fish?

Because its SEA FOOD

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

Dogs cant operate MRI machines

But catscan

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

i have been trying to find out what LGBTQ is

but i cant get a straight answer

Car insurance renewal

I renewed my car insurance on the phone yesterday.

I was just about to hang up when the lady on the phone asked- "Do you have any pets?"

I replied " Yes I have a dog"

She said "Would you like to insure him to?"

I replied "Not really, he cant drive "

Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?

You cant C in the dark.

I cant spell armegedon.

Oh well it's not the end of the world.

Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married

What do you call a cow that cant produce milk?

Milk dud

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

Why cant cows do weed?

The steaks would be too high

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

What do you called a crow that cant find his way?

A lost caws

Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

Sure, white people cant say they "N" word

but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"

Why can't you do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

You cant turn your back on your family

A sink cant open a door

Let that sink in

Conor McGregor hates cinco de mayo...

It's nothing personal, he just cant stand Mayweather.

What do you call boxers that cant last in the ring?

Briefs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was using the local glory hole recently...

...and it felt different than normal. A few minutes later I see a guy walk out of the other stall holding cat fish. Suddenly the realization washed over me.

I cant believe I sucked a fish’s dick.

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?

Boo-meringue

What is yellow and cant swim?

A bus full of children

You know when you're so drunk you cant get your key in the ignition?

Yeah the cop didn't get it either.

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

Why cant orphans play base ball?

Because they dont know here home is

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a group for people who cant ejaculate

But nobody came

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

Life is like a game of chess

I cant play chess

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

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Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

what do you call a chameleon who cant change his colours anymore?

Areptile dysfunction

I cant believe people think the moon landing is real...

It's still in the sky. How could it have landed?

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

I cant stand when people make 9/11 jokes

really, though, they are just plane wrong.

Where cant someone tell a joke ?

Funerals and weddings

Funerals because laughing at dead people is wrong.

Weddings because losing a friend is a tradegy.

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I'm sorry mr. Mouse, you cant get a divorce because you say your wife is crazy.

I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I cant peanut butter my dick in your ass

Bob: can we fix it!

His wife: no we cant bob, sign the divorce papers

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hanging out

Friend 1: My wifes so stupid she spent $12,000 on a kitchen and she cant even cook

Friend 2:My wife's so stupid she spent $40,000 on a car and she cant even drive

Friend 3: My wife's so stupid she took 100 condoms on a business trip but she doesn't even have a dick

Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?

No trespassing

Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why cant you hear pterodactyl's pee?

Cause they fucking dead, stupid.

What do you call a Chameleon that cant change colors?

A reptile dysfunction... [Bluechew review](https://www.thefate.org/bluechew-review/)

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

There are three types of people in this world .

Those who can count and those who cant

Why cant skunks keep secrets?

Someone's always catching wind of them...

My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

Why cant you call anybody while at the beach?

Because the shell service was so bad.

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