Cant Jokes

Cant make jokes about vacation to americans

Cause they dont get it

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

Why cant gandalf mark tests?

Because he always tells the students ‘YOU…SHALL NOT PASS!’

What do you call a chameleon who cant grow his tail back?

ereptile dysfunction

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

Words cant describe how beautiful you are....

but numbers can, 1/10.

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

what do you call a can opener that cant open cans

a can't opener

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said “my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore!” And storms out of the room.

The wife replied “divorce is strong with this one.”

What do you call a furry that cant hear?

Def Leopard

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

I own Shakespeare's old chewed pencil.

He chewed on it so much i cant tell if its 2b or not 2b

so a guy walks into te doctors office,

and he says "hey man, I have really bad back pain" the doctor asks why, and the guy says "Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th...

Why cant the US kill COVID

It doesn’t attend school

Yo mama is so poor

That she cant even pay attention

Why cant you open a piano ?

because the keys are inside

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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Why cant people from alabama have any viable offspring?

They're all relatively screwed.

I asked a Chinese friend what life is like in the country

They said 'I cant complain'.

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

I cant recollect names of any African countries..

Kenya?

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Why cant you tell a Kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they take things, Literally

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

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I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

Why cant you trust atoms?

They make up everything

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

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A guy entered the "Can He Do It" show on Belgiums national TV.

He claims he can tell women's zipcodes by feeling their breasts. The host leads him to some women in bikini and tells him to do his magic.

He feels the first woman's breasts and within 20 seconds he states "8670".

Second girl he feels her up and states "9010".

He goes down the l...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

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Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

So a doctor starts up a practice

### So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.


"Do...

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Why cant you make sex jokes on Reddit?

Because nobody here gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of button cant unbutton?

A belly button

A young guy bursts into a small corner shop late one evening…

“I landed a hot date tonight and she will be over any minute. I need a bottle of wine, a pack of condoms and a bag of oranges!”

The clerk cant help his curiosity. “What are the oranges for?”

“Halftime”.

What to do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, and you cant Curium, then you may as well Barium.

You know why you cant fart in an Apple store ?

Because they dont have windows.

You know why you cant marry a melon?

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They cantaloupe ;)

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

What's the one thing snipers cant tell their wives ?

I missed you this morning.

Who came first? The chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because eggs cant cum.

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

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You cant spell ADVERTISEMENTS without...

SEMEN between the TITS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

Why cant the motorcycle stand up by itself?

Because it's two tired

Why Cant Americans take a 9/11 joke?

cause it flies right by their heads...

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

what can the coronavirus do that the US government cant?

stop school shootings



this was a bit dark..

Why blind people cant eat fish?

Because its SEA FOOD

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How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

I cant spell armegedon.

Oh well it's not the end of the world.

Dogs cant operate MRI machines

But catscan

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why cant dinosaurs clap?

Because they're fucking dead.

Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

because they are all dead

What do you call a cow that cant produce milk?

Milk dud

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

Why cant cows do weed?

The steaks would be too high

Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

A sink cant open a door

Let that sink in

What is yellow and cant swim?

A bus full of children

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

What do you called a crow that cant find his way?

A lost caws

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

Sure, white people cant say they "N" word

but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"

What do you call boxers that cant last in the ring?

Briefs.

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?

Boo-meringue

You know when you're so drunk you cant get your key in the ignition?

Yeah the cop didn't get it either.

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

Why cant i differentiate between White Collar workers and Blue Collar workers?

Its because i am Collarblind

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly cant bird

Why cant orphans play base ball?

Because they dont know here home is

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a group for people who cant ejaculate

But nobody came

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

4 Things i cant stand

1. STUPID PEOPLE
2. THOSE WHO CANT COUNT
3. LISTS

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?

You cant C in the dark.

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

i have been trying to find out what LGBTQ is

but i cant get a straight answer

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

I cant stand when people make 9/11 jokes

really, though, they are just plane wrong.

I cant believe people think the moon landing is real...

It's still in the sky. How could it have landed?

Where cant someone tell a joke ?

Funerals and weddings

Funerals because laughing at dead people is wrong.

Weddings because losing a friend is a tradegy.

Why cant you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

They will steal it and it will be on the front page of Reddit tomorrow.

Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

What do you call a Chameleon that cant change colors?

A reptile dysfunction... [Bluechew review](https://www.thefate.org/bluechew-review/)

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?

No trespassing

Car insurance renewal

I renewed my car insurance on the phone yesterday.

I was just about to hang up when the lady on the phone asked- "Do you have any pets?"

I replied " Yes I have a dog"

She said "Would you like to insure him to?"

I replied "Not really, he cant drive "

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