He's Got Jokes - 37 Hilarious He's Got Jokes

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

He's got a point

Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom : Ha ha ha... (Walks off laughing)

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

What does a cowboy do when he's got a date?

He takes a ho down

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, " lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fridge, you silly ."

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

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A young recently immigranted Italian couple Maria and Luigi fall in love and get married.

They're sort of poor and spend the honeymoon night at her mama and papa's house.
Maria's a nervous virgin and Mama's busy cooking spaghetti and has to try to calm Maria down and talk her into going upstairs to her husband. She finally does, and Luigi is sitting on the bed and gives her a long pas...

My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

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Sure, he's got his faults, like -- he's a necromancer, and a hoarder...

... but doesn't everybody have a few skeletons in their closet?

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

My dog is called cigarette as he's got no legs

Every evening I take him for a drag

My Grandpa has acquired a trick for meeting new people

He's got Alzheimer's

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So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store.

Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist.

Finally he gets the corsage a...

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

Pope in limousine

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully acc...

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back ...

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

A cannibal walks into a bar...

A cannibal walks into a bar. He's got a bone through his nose, wild hair, wearing animal skins and a knuckle-bone necklace. He has a pronounced brow ridge, sloping forehead, and looks just like a Cro-Magnum cave man.

The bartender says, "We don't serve time-travelers here."

The canniba...

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators

Unfortunately now he's got a problem with squatters

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

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A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.

"Spot!!" yells the mother

Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"

After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got t...

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

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Did you hear about the guy who had too much ?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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