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Greatest Jokes

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Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm ...

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

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Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for ÂŁ20.

But I partied like it was ÂŁ19.99

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What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

The greatest Schrodinger punchline...

or maybe not.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

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I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was ÂŁ19.99

Putin’s Greatest Fear is the Magic Outhouse

When you are heading toward it, you’re Russian, but when you are inside European, and when you’re done, you’re Finnish!

The greatest magic trick

A world famous Hispanic magician walked on stage to thunderous applause from a large crowd. He announced to the audience that he would disappear before their very eyes before the count of three. He begins the count “Uno, Dos..” POOF! He disappeared without a Tres.

What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

Who was the greatest financer in the bible?

Noah, cause he floated his stocks while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

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The greatest wishes

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Gnie: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt aand endd with "b".

Bnib: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bwob bdlb btrb bofb bvrb borb "o".

Boob: Boob.

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

I told my teachers I’ll be the greatest comic ever.

They all laughed at me.

Greatest Strength

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?

Applicant: Yes.

Interviewer: What?

Applicant: Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening.

The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

Went into a shop to purchase Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits

And I was given a magazine in a plain brown paper bag.

The greatest swordsman in the world is giving a demonstration of his skill to a crowd.

As he draws his sword, his assistant releases a single housefly. The swordsman watches the fly buzz around, waits for his moment, and strikes! ...And then the fly buzzes away again. As the crowd groans, the swordsman holds up his hand. "Look again, my friends. The fly lives, yes, but he will never b...

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.

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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

this is not the greatest river in the world ...

No... this is just a tributary

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Greatest truck driver in the world

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world. He could take that truck to places that shouldn't be possible.


One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossi...

An interviewer asks an applicant for his greatest weakness and the applicant replied,

"I have an awkward sense of humor which causes me to laugh out of nowhere sometimes and some people take it to mean that I'm laughing at them or thinking something terrible"

The interviewer asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," the applicant laughed as he said, "I've played this conversat...

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover,

but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

What was Elvis's last greatest hit?

His head on the corner of the sink.

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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

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Greatest Halloween Joke Ever

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need f...

Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.

In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

“what would you say is your greatest strength”

“i have strong hindsight”

“that wont help us much”

“i see that now”

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

Jesus’ greatest miracle...

...was having 12 friends after the age of 30.

Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

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What is Austria’s greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone Hitler was German

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

That was your greatest trick.

There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his ...

Who was the greatest financier from the Bible?

Noah, of course!
He was floating all his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation!

Interviewer: what’s your greatest skill?

Me: Machine learning

Interviewer: Thats great, what’s 6+9?

Me: Easy, it’s 0

Interviewer: No.... it’s 15

Me: Ok, try again.

Interviewer: Alright, what’s 4+20?

Me: 15

Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"

I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".

Had a couple people in tears saying that so I tho...

Who's the Death Star's greatest country singer?

Darth Brooks.

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

With all the turmoil in the world, the US benefits from its two greatest allies...

The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

The world’s greatest supervillain has captured the three best spies, Secret Agents Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie.

As a form of evil execution she releases them into an arena with a pack of vicious wolves.

First, they chase after Secret Agent Alpha, and although he tries to run from them, he is caught and torn apart.

Then the wolves turn to Secret Agent Bravo, and she stands her ground to fight the...

Chris Brown’s Greatest hits

Rhianna

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I've got the worlds greatest wife

For our anniversary, she got me a life insurance policy and a trip to China.

The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...

A man at a job interview was asked what he thought his greatest qualities were.

'My motivational skills' he replied ' At my last job everyone said they had to work twice as hard when I was around'

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

What is a mans greatest shame?

When he runs naked into a wall with a hard on and hits his nose.

Greatest Joke Ever

2 frogs are sitting next to each other. "Are you sick" asks the first frog. "No, wtf, why?" Answers the 2nd one. "Because you look green". XD (okay, I know, this is officially the worst joke ever)

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

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The Greatest Sex Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, ...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

You know who's the greatest person ever?

*the first word of this joke*

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The vagina is the greatest engine ever developed.

It accepts any size piston, it is self-lubricating, and it does it's own fluid change once a month. It's just a shame that the management system can be so temperamental.

President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.

He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.

The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"As...

Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

What is an amputee kickboxer's greatest weakness

His inability to walk away from a fight

Greatest thing about dating a homeless woman.

When the dates over you can drop her off anywhere.

What are the ten greatest years of a woman's life?

The ones between 39 and 40.

You know the greatest thing about Persona’s music?

I could listen to any track and think it’s Akechi song

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