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What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together?

A buttwhole.

I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

You are stuck in a locked room with nothing but a mirror and a chair. How do you escape?

You look at the chair, turn around, look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw, cut the chair in half, two halves make a whole and you climb through the hole.

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Scientists are experimenting on the human brain.

They remove the right side of a subject’s brain. When he wakes up they ask him to count to ten.

“2, 4, 6, 8, 10” He answers.

The scientists put his right side back in and remove the left half. After surgery they have him count to ten again.

“1, 3, 5, 7, 9” He says.

The sc...

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Jews and Chinese doing business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese buys 25 pairs.

He r...

An engineer and a mathematician are brought to a room.

On the other side is a table with a suitcase holding a million dollars. They are told they can only walk half the distance to the table, and then each following move must be half the distance of the previous. The first to get the suitcase will keep it.

The mathematician doesn't move. He says...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

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Jewish and black kid

A Jewish and black kid asked his teacher one day "am I more black or more Jewish?" The teacher didn't know how to answer, so he told the boy to ask his rabbi. So, the boy asks his rabbi "am I more Jewish or more black?" The rabbi told him to ask his mother. So the boy ran home and asked his mom "am ...

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How did the man escape from prison?

Well, he rubbed his hands to make them sore,
He used the saw to cut the table in half,
Two halves make a whole,
He jumped into the hole and got out,
Finally he shouted til his voice was hoarse then climbed on the horse and rode back home.

An old one my grandfather told before he d...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

Two cannibals are eating a guy...

They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.

"Good, can't complain." he replies

The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going.<...

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three blokes deciding what to get their mrs' for christmas...

Bill, Bob & Ben sitting at some random bar, deciding on gifts for their better halves...

Bill says he's going to get his mrs a new blouse and this jacket she likes too - "if she doesn't like the blouse, she can wear the jacket to hide it" he jests.

Bob pipes in, "That's funny, i'm ...

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