UPJOKE
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Partial Jokes

Why did the partially blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

If partially sighted people want the right to drive combine harvesters...

I'm not going to stand in their way.

Did you hear about the buffalo fossil excavation where they found partially digested mail bags in their stomachs?

It turns out they were stamp eating across the Midwest.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

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A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

a Partial artist

Bad wifi is like a partial decapitation

Connected, but not able to perform many vital actions.

What do you call an intestine that's been partially removed?

A semicolon!

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

What did the innocent prisoner say to the partially deaf warden?

I beg your pardon(?)

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A partially deaf kid and his mum

So, it’s a Saturday morning and this partially deaf kids mum asks him to go to the shops to pick up a some bread and a new clock and then he can stop by the stadium to pick up a football ticket for tomorrow’s game.

So off the kid heads to the bakery and being partially deaf he asks the baker ...

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Edit: It's been pointed out that the grammatical construction of this joke could have been better. How about: "What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts.

Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

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What does a partially deaf nymphomaniac says after sex?

Come again?

(Partial NSFW) I work at an abattoir and shot 3 pigs today.

I would have shot more but I had to go to work.

My hotel room has a partial water view!

I would have preferred oxygen but hydrogen is nice, too.

I have a friend who's partially made of metal

Guess you can call him my alloy

The Wright Brothers are partially responsible for 9/11

I guess you could say two wrights made a wrong.

What does the floor of my house and a girl with a partial nudity fetish have in common?

They both feel a lot wetter when Ive got socks on.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

My best friend partially fell into a wood chipper and there was nothing left when we pulled him out

He was all right

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

My wife wouldn't like ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest...

A Russian man is called up to fight in Ukraine...

"Ivan, you've been mobilized, report to the front line"

"But I haven't got any legs?!"

"That's fine, it's a partial mobilization'

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

I think the doctor who amputated my legs is the best doctor in the world,

but I admit I'm partial.

What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

People ask why I never finish my paintings

I remind them I am a black belt in partial arts!

what do you call a paraplegic child that just learned tae kwon do

partial arts

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A Stormtrooper and a Twi’lek prostitute are chatting after sex

She says to him, “You know, I’ve fucked guys from the Empire and from the Resistance and I’m more partial to you Imperials.”

“Why is that?” Asks the stormtrooper.

“Well you guys always seem to last longer.”

“Is that so? Whats wrong with the Rebels?”

“Well,” she says with...

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

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Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: “I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.

St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"...

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

There are three types of people

1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

3. Those who can interpolate from partial data

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

Why did the chicken cross the road first thing in the morning?

To go to Starbawwwks.

- Partial credit to my 5 year old.

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

Maths is fun

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic. "What's wrong?" asks e^x. "There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hur...

Short term memory loss

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”

The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

Joe Biden will never be my president

partially because I'm not American, but he will be the president of the united states.

Eclipse is an acronym

* Eyes
* Cannot
* Look
* Into
* Partial
* Solar
* Eclipse

my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class

Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses

Why can't siamese twins be trusted to render fair judgments?

Because they're always partial.

I'm so sorry.

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

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Genie on the beach

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie,...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

A man with dentures goes to the dentist.

He explains to the dentist that his dentures don't feel right anymore. The Dentists sits him down, does a brief examination and exclaims, "what in the world? Your whole partial plate is corroded and like it was eaten away by some chemical. " The Dentist asks, "are you on a weird diet or somethin...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)

A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small penises.

The other 50% are women.

I saw a "Missing Dog" poster

It read:

**Missing Dog!**

Description :

* Male Labrador
* 3 years old
* Missing an ear
* Missing a leg
* Partially sighted
* Has lost large portion of his tail
* Castrated
* Has onset of mange



* Answers to the name of "Lucky"

I was chatting online to my friend from Zimbabwe the other day.

He's got this heart condition, poor guy. I really feel for him. He asked if I could help with some money which I'm seriously considering.

I asked my neighbour and he told me to ignore him because he was just phishing, but I don't see the problem with that, I'm partial to catching a few salmo...

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.

Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.


Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.

Today's forecast is going to be....

Partially sunny......

Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I th...

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