I'm replacing my heart with another liver.

So I can drink more, and care less

A man went to the doctor's, concerned about his liver...

The doctor asked: "When do you typically drink?"




The man replied: "i drink when flying. Calms the nerves."




The doctor sat back. "I see. Would you describe yourself as an alcoholic? Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue after all."




The man thought fo...

Donate a liver, you get called a hero.

Donate seven of them, you get arrested

Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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A 2nd grade teacher tells the class to say a sentence using the words "Liver" and "Cheese" in the same sentence....

...So the teacher picks a white kid to go first, he says: "My mom made me a Liver and Cheese sandwich, it was really good!".

Then the teacher picks a black kid to go second, he says: "My mom bought the wrong kind of Cheese, so my dad punched her in the Liver!".

Finally, the teacher pic...

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

What is postman's favourite organ?

The liver.

Frank was in dire need of a liver...

So his friend Fred delivered.

An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian...

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Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar

Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enou...

Liver

Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged

Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?

The last repost made me so furious, I took OP's liver out.

OP delivered.

A Serious Issue

Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.

What type of fish can perform a liver transplant?

A sturgeon.

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A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver.

When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said "it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized"

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver.

Lets just say

(•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐□-□ / (⌐□_□)

OP De-livered


 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand

Give me your liver.

i told my organ donor

i can’t liver without you

he said
my heart goes out to you

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

Liver & Cheese Joke

Three dogs are walking down the street when they spot an enticing female poodle. The German Shepherd, English Bulldog and the Mexican Chihuahua approach the poodle to win her over.

The poodle decides to make a game of it, and tells them "I will go with whichever one of you can best use the w...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Sucky got hit by a car

Sucky was the family cat. He enjoyed hunting mice, birds, and even snakes on occasion as well as cuddling up to his human family. Ten years ago, a son is woken up by his mother to get ready for school, but this morning was different than the others. The mother was in tears, "Sucky got hit by a car."...

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

Doctor: were going to deliver the baby

Dad: Actualy weed like him to keep his liver

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.


So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.


Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father...

I'm a smoker and alcoholic.

Visited my new doctor today.



Doctor: "Your liver is enlarged and your lungs sound funny. Do you smoke?"

Me: "Only when I drink"

Doctor: "How much do you drink?!"

Me: "About two packs a day..."

A middle-aged man and woman are getting ready to go out for the evening...

The man is naked, standing in front of his bedroom mirror.

“Honey, I can’t believe I’m turning 50 in just a few months. Look at how old I’ve gotten! My belly is sticking out, I have wrinkles and liver spots all over, and I’m losing my hair. I feel so bad about myself”

Then he turns to ...

Getting your farts back in...

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly. Every morning, when he awoke, the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning sh...

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"

Me: "Oh great!"

Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

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Four men are stuck on a desert island...

Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.

The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.

The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, ...

England may not have a kidney bank...

But they do have a liver pool.

OBgyn: I will be delivering your baby boy.

Mom to be: Actually, I prefer that he keeps his liver.

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4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The t...

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

A Bulldog, Doberman, and a Chihuahua Walk Into a Bar...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and Chihuahua walk into a bar looking for a cool drink. A beautiful female Collie struts by and stops at their table, saying: "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese!" The Collie replies: "That's not go...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

I created my own delivery company!

But now I'm not sure what to do with all the disembodied livers

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

What is Hannibal’s favourite part about working for UPS?

Getting to de-liver

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Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the li...

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Three cats live at the football stadium

It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.

The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver

"Great idea" says the second cat "I s...

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The organs in the body get into an argument...

(Heard this from my mom who works in a hospital...)

The brain says "I'm the most important. I control everything". The heart says "yeah, but without me, you'd have no blood and couldn't function". The lungs say "but without me, you'd have no oxygen in the blood". They liver says "yeah but ...

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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

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Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
...

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

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I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ...

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"Vagina in the sink"

A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin, but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will b...

You can say a lot about organ thieves, but

At least they de-liver.

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An English, Irish and Scottish man are all locked up for a year.

During this time they are allowed a years supply of one thing. So they go up to the irish man and ask what he wants "ehh a years supply of Guinness will do me great" he says and they lock him away. Then the scottish man "ayy ill av a years supply o whiskey" then they lock him away. Then they get to ...

Which body organ loves life the most?

The Liver

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

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An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for 10 years for manslaughter....

But are all told they can each take something into their cell with them.
The Englishman thinks and says "I'll take a sexy Blonde girl in with me"
The Irishman thinks and says "I'll take a lifetime supply of beer"
The Scotsman thinks and he says "I'll take a million cigarettes"
The High c...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

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3 Men and a Chicken

So, there were 3 men on an island and they found a chicken.

So they thought how would they share the chicken between the 3 us.

The first man said "I support for Heartlepool so I should have the heart"

The second man said "I support for Liverpool so I should have the liver"
<...

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

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Did you know Germany's Beer Purity Law is 500 years old this year?

**500 year?! Has it been that long? Amazing! 500 years of an entire people say “Nein!” no more sewage for me thank you!... Take note you Belgian swine.** *Belgian Guy:“But we have the most varieties of beer in the world!!”* **Yeah, you do and you are barely batting .100 when it comes to quality brew...

Want to avoid hangovers?

Keep drinking forever. your liver and wallet will adjust.

What do you call an ex-comedy-central comedian's favorite organ? (x-post from /r/dadjokes)

The John O**liver**

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de*liver*y flavor.

If r/jokes was a person, what organ would he be having problems with?

De-liver

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[NSFW] A young woman is about to consummate her marriage

A young woman is panicking the day before her wedding. She tells her mother:
"Mom, my.... opening....down there, it´s very.....wide. Tomorrow night I will be wed and my husband will see it and run away and divorce me. What will I do? I´m so scared!"
Her mother replies: "Don´t worry hunny. It...

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Some great one-liners from Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating...

...when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have l...

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3 Football fans go on holiday...

Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry.

...

My Grandma E-Mailed me this one

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for y...

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One day, the human body tries to figure out who the leader is ...

The heart says, "it's me! I circulate the blood!"


The brain says, "no! It's me! I control everything."


The liver says, "no, it's me, because I feed."


The anus says, "no, it's me!"


All the other organs laugh. Then the anus refused to open for seven ...

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

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