A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

The liver is the only organ that can regrow if damaged....

I'll drink to that.

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

I'm replacing my heart with another liver.

So I can drink more, and care less

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

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A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

My brother once promised to donate me his liver.

Turned out he was only kidneying me.

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

What do you call it when a yellow jacket has inflammation of the liver?

Hepatitis Bee

LPT: Don't get your animals delivered.

It turns out they need their liver.

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A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital.

I guess you could say he always de-livered.

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

[OC] Why do they call it the liver?

Because without it you'd die!

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

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A 2nd grade teacher tells the class to say a sentence using the words "Liver" and "Cheese" in the same sentence....

...So the teacher picks a white kid to go first, he says: "My mom made me a Liver and Cheese sandwich, it was really good!".

Then the teacher picks a black kid to go second, he says: "My mom bought the wrong kind of Cheese, so my dad punched her in the Liver!".

Finally, the teacher pic...

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

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A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver.

When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said "it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized"

The last repost made me so furious, I took OP's liver out.

OP delivered.

Frank was in dire need of a liver...

So his friend Fred delivered.

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

What type of fish can perform a liver transplant?

A sturgeon.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver.

Lets just say

(•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐□-□ / (⌐□_□)

OP De-livered


 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

Liver

Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged

Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?

Two friends are driving through a town...

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;

Rum + water = liver problems;

Whiskey + water = heart issues;

Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

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thanksgiving miracle

AN old couple was married for many years,they had a routine in life like we all do ,One of his routines was to wake up and let huge farts in the mornings ,His wife would tell him ,one of these days your gonna shit your guts out your asshole , he would just laugh it off , come thanksgiving morning ...

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Two bald guys talking. One says, ”I’m fed up of being bald.” The other says, “Why don’t you have a transplant?"

The first guy says, "I’d look even worse with a liver on my head."

Liver & Cheese Joke

Three dogs are walking down the street when they spot an enticing female poodle. The German Shepherd, English Bulldog and the Mexican Chihuahua approach the poodle to win her over.

The poodle decides to make a game of it, and tells them "I will go with whichever one of you can best use the w...

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A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not ...

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The wife went to the doctor to ask for help

“My husband’s penis is so big, it nudges at my liver whenever we have sex,” the wife said.

“Wow. In that case, let’s prep your husband for surgery. We’ll trim his penis a little bit so it doesn’t reach your l—“

“Uhm,” the wife interrupted. “How about we move my liver instead?”

What do you call an emortal organ donor

A liver

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

Why would Prometheus make a good postman?

... It involves a lot of *de-livering!*

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Three men walking through a desert

Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.

Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.

The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"

The three men all nodded.

"I tell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

As an Irish-American, I don't appreciate being called a "river dancer" by my own family doctor

Doctor: I said you have liver cancer

Alcohol

I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver.

A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"

The butcher replies:

"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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I'm so patriotic I piss red, white, and blue!

The doctor told me things like, "that's liver failure," and, "you're going to die if you don't go to a hospital," but I told him to shut his Commie mouth.

Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby

Dad: Actually, we would like the baby to keep its liver

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"

Me: "Oh great!"

Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

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A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years

Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.

When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 4...

My grandpa has an addiction to Mexican beer

Now he doesn’t have a liver

If you drink vodka with ice

It will wreck your appendix

If you drink whisky with ice it will kill your liver

If you drink Tequila with ice it will ruin your intestines...

Apparently, ice is bad for you!

Me after my 6th tequila shot

My brain: What u doing?
My stomach: What u doing?
My liver: What u doing?
Me to my ex: What u doing?

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

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I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

A Bulldog, Doberman, and a Chihuahua Walk Into a Bar...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and Chihuahua walk into a bar looking for a cool drink. A beautiful female Collie struts by and stops at their table, saying: "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese!" The Collie replies: "That's not go...

They don't have blood banks in England ...

... but they do have a liver pool.

I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.

I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!

Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I ...

If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

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