Liver Jokes - 81 Hilarious Liver Jokes

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I'm replacing my heart with another liver.

So I can drink more, and care less

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

The liver is the only organ that can regrow if damaged....

I'll drink to that.

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

why did Jeffrey Dahmer never eat liver and onions?

He didn't like onions.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

My doctor told me I needed to stop drinking because I had mitosis of the liver.

I looked at him aghast and asked if he meant cirrhosis of the liver? He said no, that I drink so much my liver is trying to split on me.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

Three dogs are having a drink at a bar.

One dog is a rottweiler, the second dog is a German shepherd and the third dog is none other than the Taco Bell Chihuahua. They were just sitting at the bar when suddenly who should come walking in but Lassie herself. She saunters up to the three dogs and says, "If one of you can creatively use 'liv...

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital.

I guess you could say he always de-livered.

[OC] Why do they call it the liver?

Because without it you'd die!

Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon

If someone asks you to make them lunch and you put kidneys and liver in a pita...

Did you just make them an organ donair?

Liver

Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged

Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?

A man went to the doctor's, concerned about his liver...

The doctor asked: "When do you typically drink?"

The man replied: "i drink when flying. Calms the nerves."

The doctor sat back. "I see. Would you describe yourself as an alcoholic? Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue after all."

The man thought fo...

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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A teacher tells her students to make a sentence using the words "cheese" and "liver"...

The White kid responds, "Last night my mother made a Cheese and Liver sandwich. It was delicious."

The Black kid responds, "Last night my Dad told my Mom to go get groceries. When she came back without the Government cheese, he punched her in the liver."

The Mexican kid responds, "Last...

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

Liver & Cheese Joke

Three dogs are walking down the street when they spot an enticing female poodle. The German Shepherd, English Bulldog and the Mexican Chihuahua approach the poodle to win her over.

The poodle decides to make a game of it, and tells them "I will go with whichever one of you can best use the w...

What type of fish can perform a liver transplant?

A sturgeon.

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

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A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver.

When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said "it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized"

What did the organ donor say to the transplant recipient after surgery?

Signed, sealed, de-livered I'm yours

I think my doctor is hitting on me.

She said I had a cute liver failure.

Getting drunk is a game

You just have to beat your liver.

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

What can you find in an English cannibal's home?

A liver pool.

Babies shouldn't be delivered.

Livers are important.

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

Med student was unable to identify an organ

So a viva exam was going on which the students had identify the organ shown and tell their functions.
There was this one student who was really struggling with identifying the organ that was shown to him. He was saying random organs like 'heart, kidney, liver etc'. The examiner eventually felt pi...

What's the name of Liverpool in a parallel dimension?

Spleenbasin

A Serious Issue

Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.

I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver.

Lets just say

(•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐□-□ / (⌐□_□)

OP De-livered

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story

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A 2nd grade teacher tells the class to say a sentence using the words "Liver" and "Cheese" in the same sentence....

...So the teacher picks a white kid to go first, he says: "My mom made me a Liver and Cheese sandwich, it was really good!".

Then the teacher picks a black kid to go second, he says: "My mom bought the wrong kind of Cheese, so my dad punched her in the Liver!".

Finally, the teacher pic...

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de*liver*y flavor.

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

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The wife went to the doctor to ask for help

“My husband’s penis is so big, it nudges at my liver whenever we have sex,” the wife said.

“Wow. In that case, let’s prep your husband for surgery. We’ll trim his penis a little bit so it doesn’t reach your l—“

“Uhm,” the wife interrupted. “How about we move my liver instead?”

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

A mother was having a baby and the father was out of the room eating food. A nurse ran up to the father and told him “the doctor is ready to deliver your baby”…

The father looked at the nurse with a scared face and said “I’d rather my baby be born with a liver.”

A Bulldog, Doberman, and a Chihuahua Walk Into a Bar...

A Bulldog, Doberman, and Chihuahua walk into a bar looking for a cool drink. A beautiful female Collie struts by and stops at their table, saying: "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese!" The Collie replies: "That's not go...

I'm sorry, sir, we had to remove one of your lungs. The good news though...

Now there's enough room for your liver.

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

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[Old Joke] Three explorers are lost in the desert and have run out of food....

Just when they're on the verge of giving up, though, they come across a freshly-dead camel.

"Thank goodness for that!" the first one exclaims. "We can eat this camel!"

"How should we divide it up?" asks the second.

"Well," the first one says, "I'm a Liverpool supporter, so I'll ...

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A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

What do you call an emortal organ donor

A liver

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

Why would Prometheus make a good postman?

... It involves a lot of *de-livering!*

Two bald guys talking. One says, ”I’m fed up of being bald.” The other says, “Why don’t you have a transplant?"

The first guy says, "I’d look even worse with a liver on my head."

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

When does a joke become a dadjoke?

After the *delivery*.

Two friends are driving through a town...

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;

Rum + water = liver problems;

Whiskey + water = heart issues;

Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"

Me: "Oh great!"

Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

As an Irish-American, I don't appreciate being called a "river dancer" by my own family doctor

Doctor: I said you have liver cancer

They don't have blood banks in England ...

... but they do have a liver pool.

Alcohol

I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver.

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

My grandpa has an addiction to Mexican beer

Now he doesn’t have a liver

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