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Belly Jokes

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy’s stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you’re old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so ...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

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What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest!

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

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Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

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My dad fought in the war and killed people by shooting them in the belly button.

He was an expert in navel warfare.

What kind of belly does a stoner have?

A pot belly!

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

What has a beer belly, but doesn’t drink any beer?

A bear.

(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

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Marco and Luigi are sitting on a park bench

Marco says, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women with de big saggy titties?
Luigi replies, "No, I donna likea de big saggy titties."
Marco thinks and asks, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women wid de big fat belly?
Luigi says, "No Marco, I no likea de big fat belly."
Marco thinks for a second and asks...

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How are belly button rings and centerpieces alike?

Both give you something to look at while eating.

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My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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My Girlfriend and I Started Smashing Our Belly Buttons Together...

...we call it navel warfare.

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

How do you treat a shoplifter with a belly ache?

Kleptobismal.

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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Where do you store extra belly buttons?

In a naval reserve!

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What did the belly button tell the penis?

Gee, you come here a lot.

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.



I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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What do you call someone’s belly button when you shoot a load into it?

A kiddie pool

A tough guy walks into a bar, looking for trouble. Orders a boiler maker.

He downs the shot, turns to the guy on his right and punches him in the face.
“That's a right hook from American boxing.”

He drinks down the beer, turns to the guy on his left and kicks him in the belly. "That's a crane kick from Chinese Kung-fu."

He turns to see if anyone in the ba...

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

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What did the police officer say to his belly-button?

You’re under a vest.

Nobody wants to be alone. my old neighbor; newly divorced, beer-belly, balding, and closing on 50...

Hate to say it but -

I don’t like her chances

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Why did Helen Keller’s belly button hurt?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

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Some of you really don’t have an innie belly button

And it shows.

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[Translated joke ] A man takes his wife to gynaecologist after her belly starts growing in the anticipation of being pregnant

After taking the scan,the gynaecologist said " I'm sorry sir but there is nothing but gas "

Irritated husband shouts." Do you think I'm a cycle pump or what ? "

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the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

Our Doberman had her paw on my fiancée’s pregnant belly

She’s our new Dobie-GYN

There was a belly-dancer at a fancy Turkish restaurant last night!!!! We were all speechless & stunned.

I just wish he didn’t insist on doing an encore at our table.

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

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I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

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What type of belly buttons do cars have?

Audi's.

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

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I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

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What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons?

They called the the navel reserve, naturally.

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If you would date a guy who is funny, has a house and a good job...and don't mind that he is overweight (beer belly) and balding...I've got news for you:

you're probably Homersexual.

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My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

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I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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My 3rd and 5th child have innie belly buttons. My first born has an outie.

I guess he’s the odd one out.

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

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What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

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What did the Gigolo find between his 80 year old clients’ breasts?

Lint in her belly button!

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

Two guys are relaxing in a pool, one is belly up, and the other is bellow down.

They have been like this for fifteen minutes.

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