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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

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What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons?

They called the the navel reserve, naturally.

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all t...

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

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Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Blond guys arent that smart either.

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

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Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button?

Because her boyfriend was also blonde.

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Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

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My 3rd and 5th child have innie belly buttons. My first born has an outie.

I guess he’s the odd one out.

What has a beer belly, but doesn’t drink any beer?

A bear.

(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

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What the police say to his belly button

Your under a vest.

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

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I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard, but, I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly, that he had a home and was well taken care of...

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.

He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked ...

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Where do they store surplus belly buttons?

The naval reserve.

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

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What kind of belly buttons do cars have?

Audis

Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."

Boy: "But that won't work."

Mom: "Why not?"

Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

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Little Johnny's parents were out of town..

They were gone for just one day, so they asked Ms. Teacher to stay at their house with Johnny.. At midnight Johnny came to Ms. Teacher saying he was afraid.

>Johnny : Can I sleep here with you? I'm afraid.

>Ms. : Yes of course Johnny.

Ms. Teacher was half asleep when she f...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

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Get yer mind outta the gutter...

If you took every woman on earth and lined them up next to each other completely naked how could you tell which one was Eve?

She was the one without a belly button!

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What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.

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You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blond as well.

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Why do blondes have big belly buttons?

Their boyfriends are also blonde.

[A joke I heard in grade 6.]

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

I was fat

and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again.

​

i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

What do you do for a frog with a belly ache?

Rubbit.

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour...

Two pregnant women on a bench were talking to each other.

They saw a fat guy with a big belly. On seeing the fat guy, one said, " I will give birth to a handsome boy." On this the other said, " I will give birth to you a beautiful girl."

With intention to make fun of the guy , they asked the fat guy, "What are you gonna give birth to?"

He sa...

One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.

Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting big...

A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

A Woman, pregnant with twins, falls down the stairs and is in a coma.

In the hospital she wakes from her coma in a panic to find that she is no longer pregnant. They babies are out of her belly and gone!

A doctor soon enters the room with the frantic woman.

"Take it easy miss. Everything is fine. You were in a coma. But we were able to safely birth your ...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

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Triplets

So one day a thief broke into this pregnant woman's house and shot her 3 times in her belly, she was pregnant of triplets and she went to the hospital, they all survived.

So 14 years later she's watching TV and one of the triplets comes to her screaming "mom, you never gonna believe what happ...

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.

​

After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they c...

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

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Little Johnny goes to the rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

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One day little Johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex

One day little johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex. The parents got flustered and got dressed in haste.

"Why are you jumping on daddy?" asked Johnny.

"Daddy has a big belly, so mommy is trying to help flatten it for him".

4 months go past a...

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A man comes home from work

A man comes home from work to the sound of sobbing coming from the bedroom so he goes upstairs to see what's going on. Upon entering the marital bedroom he finds his wife standing naked & crying in front of the full length mirror.
"Darling, what's wrong?" He asks.

His wife replies " I'...

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A bad Dad joke to go with your equally bad Christmas cracker jokes

One day a carpenter started to get out of bed to go to work, before being hit by abdominal pain so bad he had to lay down again. His wife was concerned but he waved her away, called off work, took a laxative, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.

The next day the carpenter went to get up...

Bobby farted at his wedding...

He then felt very embarrassed and prayed to god so he could sleep for one hundred years so everyone would forget this embarrassment..

Bob woke up 100 years later and went to the market to buy food.

When he paid with a coin, the shopkeeper was very surprised. He said:

"Oh my god....

If I eat a Marijuana edible

Will I get a pot belly?