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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

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Why did the blonde womand have bruises around her belly button?

Because there are blonde guys as well.

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How are belly button rings and centerpieces alike?

Both give you something to look at while eating.

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Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

Nobody wants to be alone. my old neighbor; newly divorced, beer-belly, balding, and closing on 50...

Hate to say it but -

I don’t like her chances

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy’s stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you’re old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so ...

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Little Johnny again.....

So little Johnny sitting on a street corner playing with a mason jar full of a clear liquid. As he sits on the curb slowly tilting the jar back and forth watching the bubbles run he's noticed by the local preacher who walks over to check up on him. Good morning Johnny, what are you up to on this fin...

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What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You are under a vest

What’s the difference between an abortion and a belly flop off the high dive?

The price

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What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

A little boy walks into his living room….

sees his pregnant mom sitting on the couch and decides to sit down next to her. He rests his head on her belly and in a way only a child can asks says” do you want a boy or a girl”?
She reply’s” I wanted a back rub”!

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A sex worker goes to the plastic surgeon...

...and says "Doctor, can you implant some pubic hair around my belly button?" The doctor asks "Yes, but why?" The sex worker replies "The work's been good, tryna start a franchise!"

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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman does not?

A belly button

You know what I like doing with poutine

Poutine it in my belly

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

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Lost my belly button in a freak accident.

The doctor told me not to worry. He said I could get a new one from the navel reserve.

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

This is not a joke, I think. But it's funny (I think)

Forget about "meeting singles in my area"

I just got an Ad from Google selling me a "short girth belly guard". The device is made in black leather with chrome studs. Looks like a BDSM thing. I clicked on the ad out of curiosity and it turns out it's for horses, from an Italian company special...

There was a belly-dancer at a fancy Turkish restaurant last night!!!! We were all speechless & stunned.

I just wish he didn’t insist on doing an encore at our table.

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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What’s beside the belly button of a old lady?

Boobs

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Where do you store extra belly buttons?

In a naval reserve!

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

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I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

An...

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What did the police officer say to his belly-button?

You’re under a vest.

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

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I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

Why did Helen Keller have bruises on her belly?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

One of those jokes that give you a proper belly laugh

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...



so i pushed her over...

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My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

A pregnant woman gets into a car crash..

She survives but ends up in a coma for about a week. When she wakes up, she notices that her belly was flat and starts to panic. Her doctor comes in and tells her that everything is okay and that she actually gave birth to two healthy twins in her coma: a girl and a boy.

He explains to her t...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

-I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.


-That's not going to work.


-Why not?


-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.

Our Doberman had her paw on my fiancée’s pregnant belly

She’s our new Dobie-GYN

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

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What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons?

They called the the navel reserve, naturally.

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

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I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

Some numbers are insulting each other

*i* to π : your decisions are so *irrational*

1 to *i:* your expectations are too *imaginary*

π to 1: you have an absolute *unit* of a beer belly

3 to -1: you are always so *negative*

*i* to 3: don't you think you're a little *odd*?

1 to 1/2: you are only but a *...

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

Two guys are relaxing in a pool, one is belly up, and the other is bellow down.

They have been like this for fifteen minutes.

What has a beer belly, but doesn’t drink any beer?

A bear.

(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

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My 3rd and 5th child have innie belly buttons. My first born has an outie.

I guess he’s the odd one out.

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

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One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

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What type of belly buttons do cars have?

Audi's.

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

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You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blond as well.

What award do they give to the thinnest person in the world?

The No-Belly Prize

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Sara and Billy were walking through a forest

when they found a Jinn. They rubbed his belly and suddenly out popped a lamp.

Jinn- Brilliant, this shist's been buggering me for bloody ages. To show my gratitude I'll grant you each one wish.

Sara- I want to be rich.

Jinn- No problems.

Rich- Thanks.

Billy- I want...

Two kids go to a sauna

When they are inside they see a fat man and one of the kids asks: "why is your belly so big?"
the man smiles and then replies: "because there is a bomb inside." Then the other kid takes a good look at the man and says to his friend in a scared voice: "we need to go right now."
The first kid re...

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

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Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

An fat old man lying in bed calls in the nurse...

A polite woman rushes in to the aid of the obese man who has been placed on a strict diet.

"I'm pregnant!" he declares. "With an elephant!"

The old man start rubbing his bloated belly in large circles.

"How interesting... Elephants are pregnant for 2 years you know" says the nur...

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