An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

Someone sarcastically asked a man with a big belly if he’s pregnant.

He replies, “Actually yes I am. It’s a baby elephant, and I think it started coming out already”

The woman mocked fat man on the beach..

The woman mocked fat man on the beach, clapping her big belly and saying, "Well, that's where the sixpack is. Was it heineken or something else?"

The man answered the woman:
"There's a tap under it, you can taste it yourself"







Sorry if my english is any bad,...

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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

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Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button?

Because her boyfriend was also blonde.

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Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

Our Doberman had her paw on my fiancée’s pregnant belly

She’s our new Dobie-GYN

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

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Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Blond guys arent that smart either.

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

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What the police say to his belly button

Your under a vest.

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What did the Barbie factory do when it ran out of belly buttons?

They called the the navel reserve, naturally.

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Why do some blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Blonde guys are kinda stupid too...

What has a beer belly, but doesn’t drink any beer?

A bear.

(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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My 3rd and 5th child have innie belly buttons. My first born has an outie.

I guess he’s the odd one out.

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

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I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

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Where do they store surplus belly buttons?

The naval reserve.

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly?

A womb with a view.

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

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Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.

“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled.

“But... what were you doing?” Timmy asks.

“Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous.

“Well, there’s no use in that.”

“Well, why not?”...

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What kind of belly buttons do cars have?

Audis

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

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Little Johnny's parents were out of town..

They were gone for just one day, so they asked Ms. Teacher to stay at their house with Johnny.. At midnight Johnny came to Ms. Teacher saying he was afraid.

>Johnny : Can I sleep here with you? I'm afraid.

>Ms. : Yes of course Johnny.

Ms. Teacher was half asleep when she f...

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What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.

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You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blond as well.

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

Just A Little Gas

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun notic...

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My girlfriend and I just finished having sex...

I came on her stomach and in her belly button. She looked up and said “it’s a kiddie pool”

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Why do blondes have big belly buttons?

Their boyfriends are also blonde.

[A joke I heard in grade 6.]

What do you do for a frog with a belly ache?

Rubbit.

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

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The true story of cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dres out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella pleaded....

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

A car mechanic had noticed something peculiar about the vehicles he was servicing.

It seemed to him that the German cars his customers brought in had more pronounced undersides than non-German ones. Audis were the worst offenders, and he was getting annoyed at how often he would have to work on cars that had less space for him to work between them and the ground.

One day, h...

Joke from my 8 year old grandson

What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?

Poke, mon.

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

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A boy went camping for a school trip....

He could not fall asleep, as he wasn’t a good camper. His female teacher was sleeping in the tent next to him, so he walks over, and this is the conversation that breaks out.

Teacher: “Ummmmm.... what are you doing?”

Kid: “I can’t sleep. My mommy let’s me sleep with her if I can’t slee...

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

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Get yer mind outta the gutter...

If you took every woman on earth and lined them up next to each other completely naked how could you tell which one was Eve?

She was the one without a belly button!

A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

I was fat

and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again.



i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour...

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

Two pregnant women on a bench were talking to each other.

They saw a fat guy with a big belly. On seeing the fat guy, one said, " I will give birth to a handsome boy." On this the other said, " I will give birth to you a beautiful girl."

With intention to make fun of the guy , they asked the fat guy, "What are you gonna give birth to?"

He sa...

One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.

Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting big...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

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