Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

Today my motherly instincts kicked in and I tried to breastfeed a distressed child off the street.

Looking around I couldn't see anyone who would look like the child's parent, but shortly after, another distressed child appeared. I was about to lift my shirt further up to make room for two, but the second child kept her distance and yelled, "Let my husband go, you sick old man!"

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

A caterer was sprinting down the hallway with a pan of scrambled eggs. My first instinct repsonse:

"I hope they like their eggs runny"

I was walking down the road when I saw 4 guys beating one other guy, so by natural instinct I decided to help

Haha, he couldn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

Indian Instincts

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do...

Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

Beacuse you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

I got arrested...

I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

So I was sitting at a table in this bar.

When this lovely young lady seated at the table across from mine sneezed, her glass eye popped out and with a bounce of the table soared into my lap. I caught it out of instinct and handed it back to her. She thanked me and headed to the restroom to put it back to it's proper place. Upon returning t...

Just got back from the police station.

Got arrested last night for punching someone.

It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man Vs Gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.
!'<...

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ladder To Success

A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder.

H...

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a “friendly” Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, “Chigau! Chigau!”

The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As t...

A Tale Of Two Skunks

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.

Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in.

The mother skunk asked Out to go out and brin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was hiking through the African savanna...

A man was hiking through the African savanna when all of a sudden he smelled smoke. He turns his head to see a large black cloud coming from a nearby village. Acting on instinct, the man runs to the village as fast as he can. He starts running into all the half burnt houses, rescuing all of the chil...

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In...

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW][Long] The girl from facebook.

So, when I was 18 I met this girl online, we chatted for quite a bit before she eventually invited me over, now being an 18 year old male, there was only one outcome, I knew I was going to get some ass. I drove over to her house and had this pit in my stomach, I was nervous for some reason, somethin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man tells his friends a story how he was chased by a bear in the woods.

"So there I was, hunting rabbits, when all of the sudden, a huge fucking grisly bear comes out of nowhere, and starts chasing me. Of course, my first instinct was to run. But that bear was faster than he seemed. As I kept running, he came closer, almost at his arm's range. I thought I was going to d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman gets caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery...

She gets shot, and wakes up in the hospital only to see a doctor standing next to her bed. "Wha-what happened? What's going on?" She says. To which the doctor replies, busy and indifferent, "Well, I have good news and bad news...the good news is your pregnancy is unaffected and you will have your tr...

There are two mice...

One is called In, one is call Out, when In is in, Out is out.

Sometimes they like to play jokes on each other, so Out goes in and In goes out... one day In died, how did out know in died?

*Instinct*

Three skunks are walking down a road...

And they come to a fork in the road. The first skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the left." The second skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the right." The third skunk says, "Well my end stinks too, but it doesn't talk to me."

A fire rages in a high-rise apartment in Germany...

and a woman and her baby are stuck on a high floor, looking out the window. The firetruck's ladder cannot reach them, so the woman contemplates throwing the baby down to the firemen but both the mother and the firemen are scared of maybe not catching the baby.

Then, Manuel Neuer, Germany's...

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

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