The 58+ Best Lungs Jokes

Did you know there are many different words for lungs?

I just can't remember them because I have bad lung term memory

What are the lungs favorite food?

R-alveoli

Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised

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Superpu$$y!!!

There's a crazy old lady in a nursing home. She goes up to the receptionist and tears open her robe, revealing her naked body. She yells, "SUPERPUSSY!" at the top of her lungs and walks away.

Next the old lady goes into the rec room where other residents are basket-weaving, watching TV ...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them....

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is

The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."

The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulse...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”

The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out.

Her kids don't help either.

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Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

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A rabbit is running hastily through the forest

And suddenly sees a deer relaxing under a tree smoking some hash. "What're you doing here, are you crazy?" says the rabbit, "We're in nature in the clean air, and you're smoking hash? Get up so we can run together and clean out our lungs!" "Youre right!" says the deer, and he gets up and starts runn...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

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Judgement Day

So, there's this guy, not exactly a saint, and on judgment day, he finds himself in the fiery realms. Satan, with a wicked grin, goes, "Welcome to eternal suffering! Time to choose your poison. Pick a door, any door."

Sweating bullets, our guy opens the first door and, BAM, it's a grues...

On the first day of COVID my illness gave to me…

An anxious uncertainty

On the second day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the third day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Three tons of mucous
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the fourth da...

So it's a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-
old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-o...

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..

"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

Driver

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

as the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over! at the top of his...

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"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me.

"I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!"

She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

A lawyer is driving his Ferrari...

...when suddenly he loses control and drives straight into a tree. A few moments later, another man pulls up beside him and asks him if he is alright.

"My Ferrari!" Cries the lawyer, "Its gone!"

The man says to him, "You're so focused on your supercar that you haven't noticed that your...

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

Dentist

A man came to dentist to check his teeth. After the examination the dentist said that everything was alright, but asked the man for a favor.

\- No problem. What favor?

\- Could you please now start screaming at the top of your lungs?

\- But why? I feel no pain, and you say all i...

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t...

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

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A woman took her husband to the doctor.

"He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"

The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?"

The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to f...

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A lesson about the parts of the body

One day the parts of the body were arguing about who should be in charge.

The legs said, “Well I carry you all everywhere so I should be in charge!”

The arms said, “Well I get all the stuff for the body so I should be in charge!”

The lungs said, “Well I get all the oxygen for th...

An old lady is riding the bus...

... when a haggard young mother with a screaming baby gets on. The mother sits across from the old lady, who watches her try everything to calm the child: burps her, rocks her, tries to feed her. Nothing works. The baby continues to scream its head off. Other passengers shoot the mother annoyed look...

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

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I'm sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites: The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, t...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

Just got back from Morrison’s ....I have NEVER been so rudely treated in my life....

All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk.....The woman behind the counter turned and yelled at the top of her lungs OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!

I politely said there's no need to make a scene and shuffled back to the bathroom with my jeans around my ankles

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.

On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialisti...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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