Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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Doctor, can you please check my lungs?

Doctor, can you please check my lungs? I have been having little difficulties with breathing lately.

Doctor: Sure I can. Places the stethoscope on his back...

Doctor: you masturbate??

I do. A lot actually. why??

Doctor: Can you please stop. I can’t listen.

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

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There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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After have been to the doctor’s office ....

I went into the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, & there was some remodeling going on - some drilling & a power saw making quite a racket. I had to yell just to be heard & the young lady shouted back, “Your doctor hasn’t called your prescription in yet Mr. McPhinelhiny - do you know...

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

There are two hills, each one with a shepherd with his flock of sheep on the top.

One day, one of the two shepherds loses a sheep and tries to ask to the other one if he saw the animal.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHEEEEP?
The other man seems not answering, so both of them go down their hills to speak better. They're still far from each other, but the first one tries anyway to a...

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out.

Her kids don't help either.

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The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and talked to an old rancher...

He told the rancher ‘I need to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.’

The rancher said, ‘OK, but don’t go into that paddock over there.’

The DEA agent exploded and said, ‘look, here. I have the authority of the federal government with me!!’ He removed his badge and displayed...

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Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

What are the lungs favorite food?

R-alveoli

The doctor told me that one of my lungs was dysfunctional, and that the other one was being discriminatory about it...

...Turns out it was a case of pulmonary ableism.

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza ou...

Blind pilots

So i went flying. I entered the airplane looked for my seat and sat down, just as every usual flight.
Suddenly I see the pilots entering. They both are wearing sunglasses and blind sticks.
I asked the stewardess: "sorry, who are these two? They cant be our pilots, can they?"
"those are one ...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

Once in a village named Conclusion

there lived a farmer called Jump. He was very hardworking and honest farmer.

But there was a problem he faced he his line of work. He was allergic to hay. He would always get cold due to it. But as it was not avoidable, he had no choice but to work with it.

Things changed when he got ...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

Coronavirus joke

Coronavirus attacks the lungs, so I guess you could say it's a breathtaking experience.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

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Doctor: Do you Smoke?

Doctor: Do you Smoke?

Me: Everytime after sex

Doctor: But your lungs are in perfect health

Me: Yes

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act (same but different)

Somewhere out deep on an Alabama lake there's a **R**edneck lighting sticks of dynamite and tossing them into the water. After each tremendous explosion, he grabs his net and pulls the dead fish into his boat. Before too long, the **G**ame **W**arden races out, lights and sirens blaring and screamin...

The doctor was teaching a caveman about human anatomy

Doctor: Do you know where the lungs are?

Caveman: I know this by heart

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

A doctor meets up with a coroner

"Well have you figured out the cause of death?"

"No sir"

"Was it something to do with the brain?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the lungs?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the heart"

"Well we can't tell sir....

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

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A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

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