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Escort Jokes

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A man meets an escort in a bar..

.. and after talking to her for a little bit he says, “alright, enough talk. How much is it going to cost me for a handjob?”

The escort says, “that’ll cost you $50.”

“$50 for a handjob?! You gotta be kiddin me!” Says the man.

“Well come look out here”, she says, “see that car ou...

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular...

A hairdresser got arrested for dealing drugs and running an escort service.

Unbelievable. Been a customer for years and I never knew he was a hairdresser!

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an escort service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

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The escort

So Ross calls for an escort. He says, "Make sure she has big tits and a tight pussy!"
A half hour later when there is a knock on the door, Ross says, "Are you from the escort service?"
And the woman answers, "Yes, I am. I'm looking for a guy named Ross with a big mouth and a little dick!"

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

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What’s the difference between an escort and a student loan provider?

An escort will stop fucking you when you run out of money

What’s the difference between a golfer and an escort?

The golfer doesn’t worry about his glove ripping when he scores.

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

I accidentally put diesel in the escort.

She’s dead now.

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

I plan to start a male escort service.

I'm going to call it Peter Sellers.

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A Man finishes having his fun with a Prostitute, he then escorts her to the door and says to her

"It was a business doing pleasure with you"

Escorts

Every escort I met had a different weired fetish, something I found deeply annoying.

Mainly because I trained as plumber and always hated getting the kinks out of the hose.

I started a reverse escort service.

All of our customers suck.

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

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What do a female escort & birdcage have in common?

They've both had a 'cock-or-too' in them...

Heard about the male escort with leprosy?

He did pretty good til his business dropped off

I asked my father for a 30-year-old escort for my birthday...

He brought home a 30-year-old Ford Escort instead.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

The first time I saw a dwarf escorted off the set of a late night show while the band played goodbye music, it was hilarious!

But now it's a little played out.

My first escort...

was a Ford

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ....

She put me through to their head office

I went to see an escort last night...

She advertised "a real girlfriend experience."

When I got there, she opened the door and said, "You're late. I bet you've been drinking at bar again."

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

Dad bought me an escort for my 18th birthday!

I was a little disappointed when she turned out to be old, smelled terrible and was filfthy. She definitely had a ton of experience but she was very rusty.

I asked Dad to get his money back, I don't like Fords.

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I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

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I just got escorted out of the crafts shop for dipping my balls in the glitter...

Pretty nuts!

My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an escort for his birthday!

I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

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My friend just fucked his 14 year old escort.

So, does anyone here know how to fix a 2002 Ford? It's pretty messed up from the event.

When Jesus was resurrected, an angel escorted him to Heaven in a flying car

As the car ascended to the skies, it suddenly stalled and fell.

One of the disciples looked up and said, "Guess he shouldn't have driven emmanuel."

What's the difference between a hooker and an escort?

About $500 and a slight element of doubt to the outcome of the evening.

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

What kind of escorts does a snowman hire?

Frostitutes

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

What do you get when you cross two siblings from Alabama and an escort business?

A family discount

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I got an escort for my grandpa's 100th birthday.

She said that she would give him super sex. He said "I'll take the soup."

What did a man say after being escorted out of the sperm bank?

"Well I won't be coming here again!"

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I met a local girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me

for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said : 6661364...

What do you call it when an escort farts?

A prosti-toot

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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A businessman arrives in Japan and decides to get an escort for the night.

He turns off the light and proceeds to caress her. When he finally penetrates her she says 'machigatta ana'. He thinks nothing of it and starts banging her harder. She then starts screaming 'machigatta ana, machigatta ana'. He thinks to himself 'boy, she must really like it'. When he finishes she is...

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

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The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold...

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I'm a 25 year old virgin and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an escort...

It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a crappy old Ford is gonna help.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

Father: "Son, you shall follow in my footsteps of escorting climbers up Mt Everest."

Son: "Sher pa."

So I paid good money for an Eskimo escort, but I think I got ripped off...

I could tell she wasn't Inuit.

An RAF veteran is giving a talk about the war to a class of school children

and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one wa...

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

When you call your teacher mom, it’s an embarrassing mistake.

When you call one daddy, the man is escorted from the building, and you are now the victim of a crime.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

It never rains but it pours

A reporter once visited a monastery to see how the monks lived. As he was escorted on his tour, he saw strapping young monks and strapping old monks, all engaged in field work of all sorts.


They next went to see the dorms, and in one of them they saw a young monk, thin, pale and shivering...

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A factory manager escorts his boss from head office around his site when they open a room to two employees having sex

Immediately the factory manager slams the door shut and apologises profusely to his boss.

"Fire him!" screams the boss.

"Well, actually he is six months into designing some software that we've paid six hundred thousand pounds for, and he'll be finished in another month." retorts the fa...

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